Hello. It’s been pretty quiet in Beckworth with regards to the Stag Do Massacre case this week. I was hoping to go to Ibiza to track down the suspects but due to the price of flights I will have to leave the detective abroad to the Ibizian Police. But it’s actually lucky I didn’t go anywhere, as today all hell broke lose. Whilst out on patrol with PC Rozzer (my dog) we came across a vital piece of evidence, another tie. I can’t actually remember if this the fourth or fifth, but that’s not really important. What is though is that this tie, grey like the others, holds vital clues in the form of a stain down the front. Also, it was found where you’d least expect neck wear to be hanging. On a speed limit sign. I deduced that this is a subliminal message cunningly left by the Groom’s clever young cousin. He’s obviously wanting to use it as a plea bargain when he’s convicted and reduce his life sentence down to 18 months. So the 30 is probably very significent. I’m working on the theory that it points to the cousin implying thirty people are involved in the murder, which by any stretch of the imagination is a lot. Most murders are carried out by so called “lone wolves” or by a couple of scoundrels. So maybe when this case is solved it will get in the Guinness Book of Records under “most murderers taking one life, accidentally” next to a photo of me and Rozzer. Anyway the tie will be kept as evidence and dusted for DNA, or at least it will once the anti-terrorist bomb-squad have blown it up as they believe it’s booby trapped. But we still need your help. Do you know one of the Stag Do Thirty? Maybe you’re one of them and want to “come in from the cold” by dobbing the rest in? Maybe you lent the groom’s cousin the tie and the stain could implicate you? Is it just tomato ketchup and not the groom’s dried blood? If so CID would like to hear from you. Please ring 999 and ask for PC R Cowgrove at Beckworth Police station. PC Rozzer and I will be handling this major incident, though we’ll be off duty over Easter having a well earned break at Wibblin’s Holiday camp in Wales. Who knows when we get back this case may have solved itself?. I’ll keep you posted on developments. Yours, PC Cowgrove. Beckworth Police

(Above) The latest clue in the Stag Do Thirty murder case