Hello. It’s been a quiet few days with regards to the Stag Do Massacre case, so PC Rozzer (my doggy accomplice) and I have kicked back and taken up gardening. But as the saying goes Crime Goes Before A Fall and this case is no different. Just as Rozzer was planting some potatoes in the back garden the phone rang to say an observant Jehovah’s Witness had found a tie whilst on her witnessing rounds. Once Rozzer and I had finished watering our seedlings and had a well earned cuppa we rushed down to the crime scene. This tie, the eighth(?) was found very well hidden, casually discarded onto the wing-mirror of a bright yellow van parked on Lennon Street. We are currently trying to trace the owner of the banana coloured van, cryptically emblazened with the declaration DynoLog “Tree Surgeons.” Whilst we’re going door to door to find the elusive Dr Dynolog the anti-terrorist bomb-squad will be blowing up the van as they believe the grey nylon tie to be booby trapped and a threat to mankind. After some initial detection work on Rozzer’s part we believe the distinctive neck-wear was put on the van by the murdered groom’s workmate and that the van was probably going to be used by the 30 strong Stag Do Massacre as a getaway vehicle. But the fact it was locked (with no tools kept inside), and lacked enough seats, probably put pay to that idea. This so-called “workmate,” and would be getaway driver, may be called Les Gateshead as that was written in biro on the reverse of the tie. So here’s where you can help… Perhaps you know a Mr Gateshead and have seen him, or her, casually going about their business in blood-covered work overalls? Maybe you noticed the DynoLog van in recent weeks and reported it to the Police (who did nothing due to a heavy work load in the garden) as it had an out-of-date tax disc? Or perhaps you saw the murder but are being blackmailed to keep quiet as you’re having an affair with someone of similar interests but who is a lot older? If so CID would like to hear from you. Please ring 999 and ask for PC R Cowgrove at Beckworth Police station. PC Rozzer and I will be handling this mass murder case in between listening to Gardener’s Question Time. I’ll keep you posted on developments. Yours, PC Cowgrove. Beckworth Police

 (Above) Les Gateshead’s tie as found earlier today hung casually on a DynoLog van