Hello. PC Rozzer and I have just come back from a well-earned half-term holiday break at Centerparks to find we’ve been left another clue in the nefarious Stag Do Massacre case. We’d hardly had time to unpack when an observant street sweeper knocked on our door to say they’d found something of interest. PC Rozzer of course thought it was a juicy bone so was disappointed to find it was a discarded Fifty Year Old Baloon left on the pavement outside WHSmiths. The shop is currently cordoned off whilst the anti-terrorist bomb-squad remotely destroy the balloon, as they believe it to be booby trapped. This “half term” clue, was obviously left by the Groom’s Uncle Ted who celebrated his half century before the stag night out went wrong and turned to murder. We’re guessing he wants to “come in from the cold” and join a witness protection programme after giving damning evidence against the rest of the 30 strong gang. And this is where you can help. Perhaps you know someone on the witness protection programme? Maybe you’ve stumbled on their true identity and want to blackmail them? Or perhaps, you like me, you just want to take a shower to remove all the suntan lotion from holiday? If so CID would like to hear from you. Please ring 999 and ask for PC R Cowgrove at Beckworth Police station. PC Rozzer and I will be handling this mass murder case as we slowly get back into the swing of work. I’ll keep you posted on developments. Yours, PC Cowgrove. Beckworth Police.

(Above) The discarded and deflated “50 Year Old” Balloon