Hello. Firstly let me wish you a happy Easter on behalf of the Stag Do Massacre crime team. I hope you’ve had a fine time like we did. We’ve spent a week chillaxing in Wales and then yesterday the team, PC Rozzer (my dog) and myself, had an Easter hunt in the police station yard, which was both excellent fun and honed our detective skills. This proved fortuitous as last night a vigilant flasher found another Stag Do tie whilst on his way to the scout hut car park to expose himself the doggers. This tie is of a similar type to the others, and we strongly believe this belongs to a member of the stag do that no one had actually invited along (every wedding has a mystery guest that no one knows, who eats more than fair share, tries to grope the bride’s drunk mother and everyone assumes is related to the other family). This tie was found very well hidden, casually thrown on a “Footpath Closed” sign by Thrush Alley. (Please don’t try to visit the alley as it has been sealed off whilst the anti-terrorist bomb-squad perform a controlled explosion on the sign as they believe the grey nylon tie to be booby trapped). After some serious deduction we believe the distinctive neck-wear was discarded by the mystery guest as he tried to make his escape from the rest of the 30 strong Stag Do Massacre. He probably wanted to get away from the crime scene as he reckons he’s innocent. But obviously just by being with the murder gang he is guilty and faces a very long stretch inside. As they say crime doesn’t pay, unless you are involved fraud. But here’s where you can help… Perhaps you saw this mystery gang member making his escape? Do you know if he made it or was he bludgeoned by other gang members? Maybe you know the gang’s whereabouts (we believe some may have made it to Ibiza)? Are you harbouring unknown fugitives in your spare room or at your B&B that also offers dinner at a reasonable price? Or maybe you just saw the community-minded flasher last night and want to know where he bought his rather nice coat with the check-lining? If so CID would like to hear from you. Please ring 999 and ask for PC R Cowgrove at Beckworth Police station. PC Rozzer and I will be handling this major incident when we’re back at work tomorrow. I’ll keep you posted on developments. Yours, PC Cowgrove. Beckworth Police
(Above) The mystery guest’s tie found by an observant flasher last night
