This coming weekend, in celebration of Father’s day, we are offering 20% off all paternity tests. Now is the ideal time to offer your “father” the opportunity to find out if the children he’s raised as his own are actually his cousin Dave’s as he’s reckoned for years… after all they’ve inherited Dave’s ginger hair and flatulence. Just think, it would make his day really special to know the truth! You and your “Dad” can visit our discreet “out of hours” health centre (now sited in an empty cupboard under the counter) where we can also offer crouch-down medical checks, enemas, instant (50% accurate) diagnosis of your sexual health and also passport photos. We can even do these procedures all at once to save you busy people time! Our newly joined resident clinician “Dr” Lesley* claims to be a qualified first aider and has even given mouth-to-mouth to a dying horse, so probably knows lots of doctor stuff, and she’s especially keen to spot to sex diseases and find out who’s been born to the “wrong” dad. So come on down. Dr Les will also offer our famed “alternative” treatments for lack of Testosterone (Jaffa Syndrome), obesity, “mr floppy” problems, and period-related irritability. Sperm donations can also be taken in our health centre (no appointment neccsessary and we have some newly-borrowed “specialist magazines” on site). As they say on Holby City “the doctor* will see you now…”

Abdul Ackworth, chemist. Abduls The Chemist, 17 Floyd Street, Beckworth.

* Lesley has never been, nor claims to be, a real doctor. It’s more a term of affection but she did train and fail to qualify as a vetenary nurse so knows a thing or two about faking prescriptions