Local Chemist Develops The Best Covid Vaccine Yet… Probably
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Category Archives: Abdul The Chemist
Beat The Blue Monday Blues…
Today is the saddest, most depressing day of the year, so to celebrate we are offering 30% off all anti-depressants and tissues. Also our redecorated health centre (in the back of the chemists) offers passport photos if you want a professional selfie taken to cheer you up. Our resident clinician “Dr” Vince is a “qualified” photographer *, so he knows all about lighting and cameras and stuff. When he’s not taking dodgy photos Vince also offers treatments for most ailments, but if they’re serious go to a GP as they’ll know what they’re talking about, probably. As they say on Casualty “the doctor” will see you now…
Abdul Ackworth, chemist. Abduls The Chemist, 17 Floyd Street, Beckworth.
* Vince has never been, nor claims to be, a real photographer. It’s more an inferred term to get him insured.
Support Local Businesses This Black Friday
Hello all. I just wanted to share the offers some of Beckworth’s forward-thinking local traders are offering today in celebration of Black Friday… I’m told that Abdul’s The Chemist are offering a saving of 10% on all flavoured condoms and novelty mouthwash purchased alongside any NHS prescription… Knossos Kebabs have a 50p reduction on all kebabs if customers use the code KRAP19… Anglican Windows are offering a free door with any 30 plastic windows paid in full today… There’s half-price entry to the Banana Museum… The Lesbian And Gay And Bi-Sexual Society will be having cocktails and fannytails in the scout hut tonight (not sure if this to do with Black Friday or not?)…. Beckworth Police have a sale on their very popular “pre-loved” truncheons and handcuffs… The scouts are offering half-price “bob-a-job” when they get back home from school… The Blind Badger pub will be opening until 1am with discounts on out-of-date bar snacks… Master Gregs The Grocers are giving “a cuddle from Greg Wallace” away with every 2kg of carrots… and Fawkes Funerals have 10% off all 2nd hand coffins if ordered before 4pm today… So you’ve lots of reasons to shop locally today and support Beckworth High Street… Yours sincerely, Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce
Find Out Who’s The Daddy This Father’s Day
This coming weekend, in celebration of Father’s day, we are offering 20% off all paternity tests. Now is the ideal time to offer your “father” the opportunity to find out if the children he’s raised as his own are actually his cousin Dave’s as he’s reckoned for years… after all they’ve inherited Dave’s ginger hair and flatulence. Just think, it would make his day really special to know the truth! You and your “Dad” can visit our discreet “out of hours” health centre (now sited in an empty cupboard under the counter) where we can also offer crouch-down medical checks, enemas, instant (50% accurate) diagnosis of your sexual health and also passport photos. We can even do these procedures all at once to save you busy people time! Our newly joined resident clinician “Dr” Lesley* claims to be a qualified first aider and has even given mouth-to-mouth to a dying horse, so probably knows lots of doctor stuff, and she’s especially keen to spot to sex diseases and find out who’s been born to the “wrong” dad. So come on down. Dr Les will also offer our famed “alternative” treatments for lack of Testosterone (Jaffa Syndrome), obesity, “mr floppy” problems, and period-related irritability. Sperm donations can also be taken in our health centre (no appointment neccsessary and we have some newly-borrowed “specialist magazines” on site). As they say on Holby City “the doctor* will see you now…”
Abdul Ackworth, chemist. Abduls The Chemist, 17 Floyd Street, Beckworth.
* Lesley has never been, nor claims to be, a real doctor. It’s more a term of affection but she did train and fail to qualify as a vetenary nurse so knows a thing or two about faking prescriptions
Eightie’s TV Star Spotted
I’ve just spotted 1980s TV star (and pop legend) Roland Rat looking worse for wear and scavenging around the kebab shop bins with his “body-guard”. Sad to see him let himself go, he was such an inspiration to my generation. And to rodents everywhere. Abdul
(Above) Living legend Roland Rat with his minder, and puppeteer, earlier today
Asylum Seeker Found In Supermarket
Please beware residents of Beckworth. An asylum seeker has been found hiding inside Sainsco supermarket secreting himself in the vegetable aisle. A home-office translator has said the refugee had travelled thousands of miles from a very warm Senegal due to suffering a lifetime of severe sun stroke whilst residing there. Hitching a lift in a sweet corn to seek a new life in the UK he is said to be in rude health, although doctors can’t work out if he’s currently sleeping or actually dead. The caterpillar has 60 days to make his claim for asylum and in the mean time is being paid unemployment benefits and given a roof over his head in a lettuce at a council run B&B. Thank you, Abdul Ackworth, chemist.
Abduls The Chemist, 17 Floyd Street, Beckworth
(Above) The asylum seeker found hiding earlier today
Beckworth Star Spot: François Hollande
I’ve just spotted French president François Hollande asking for directions to the G8 summit. He’s a bit lost as it’s happening in Northern Ireland but I heard him telling someone he’d got on the wrong ferry after a boozy night out in Calais.
(Above) Francois Hollande lost in Beckworth this lunch time
Who’s The Daddy?
This weekend, in celebration of Father’s day, we are offering 50% off all paternity tests. Our recently opened health centre (in the back of the chemists) offers discreet walk-in medical checks, passport photos and instant diagnosis of your sexual health. Our resident clinician “Dr” Vince* is a qualified urine therapist and once worked as a hospital porter, so knows all about medicine, especially anything related to sex stuff. Dr Vince offer treatments for lack of Testosterone (Jaffa Syndrome), weight gain, “mr floppy” problems, and irritability. Sperm donations also taken (no appointment neccsessary and we have our own “specialist magazines” on site). As they say on Casualty “the doctor* will see you now…”
Abdul Ackworth, chemist. Abduls The Chemist, 17 Floyd Street, Beckworth.
* Vince has never been, nor claims to be, a real doctor. It’s more a term of affection
