Find Out Who’s The Daddy This Father’s Day

This coming weekend, in celebration of Father’s day, we are offering 20% off all paternity tests. Now is the ideal time to offer your “father” the opportunity to find out if the children he’s raised as his own are actually his cousin Dave’s as he’s reckoned for years… after all they’ve inherited Dave’s ginger hair and flatulence. Just think, it would make his day really special to know the truth! You and your “Dad” can visit our discreet “out of hours” health centre (now sited in an empty cupboard under the counter) where we can also offer crouch-down medical checks, enemas, instant (50% accurate) diagnosis of your sexual health and also passport photos. We can even do these procedures all at once to save you busy people time! Our newly joined resident clinician “Dr” Lesley* claims to be a qualified first aider and has even given mouth-to-mouth to a dying horse, so probably knows lots of doctor stuff, and she’s especially keen to spot to sex diseases and find out who’s been born to the “wrong” dad. So come on down. Dr Les will also offer our famed “alternative” treatments for lack of Testosterone (Jaffa Syndrome), obesity, “mr floppy” problems, and period-related irritability. Sperm donations can also be taken in our health centre (no appointment neccsessary and we have some newly-borrowed “specialist magazines” on site). As they say on Holby City “the doctor* will see you now…”

Abdul Ackworth, chemist. Abduls The Chemist, 17 Floyd Street, Beckworth.

* Lesley has never been, nor claims to be, a real doctor. It’s more a term of affection but she did train and fail to qualify as a vetenary nurse so knows a thing or two about faking prescriptions

Asylum Seeker Found In Supermarket

Please beware residents of Beckworth. An asylum seeker has been found hiding inside Sainsco supermarket secreting himself in the vegetable aisle. A home-office translator has said the refugee had travelled thousands of miles from a very warm Senegal due to suffering a lifetime of severe sun stroke whilst residing there. Hitching a lift in a sweet corn to seek a new life in the UK he is said to be in rude health, although doctors can’t work out if he’s currently sleeping or actually dead. The caterpillar has 60 days to make his claim for asylum and in the mean time is being paid unemployment benefits and given a roof over his head in a lettuce at a council run B&B. Thank you, Abdul Ackworth, chemist.
Abduls The Chemist, 17 Floyd Street, Beckworth

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(Above) The asylum seeker found hiding earlier today

Beckworth Star Spot: François Hollande

I’ve just spotted French president François Hollande asking for directions to the G8 summit. He’s a bit lost as it’s happening in Northern Ireland but I heard him telling someone he’d got on the wrong ferry after a boozy night out in Calais.

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(Above) Francois Hollande lost in Beckworth this lunch time

Who’s The Daddy?

This weekend, in celebration of Father’s day, we are offering 50% off all paternity tests. Our recently opened health centre (in the back of the chemists) offers discreet walk-in medical checks, passport photos and instant diagnosis of your sexual health. Our resident clinician “Dr” Vince* is a qualified urine therapist and once worked as a hospital porter, so knows all about medicine, especially anything related to sex stuff. Dr Vince offer treatments for lack of Testosterone (Jaffa Syndrome), weight gain, “mr floppy” problems, and irritability. Sperm donations also taken (no appointment neccsessary and we have our own “specialist magazines” on site). As they say on Casualty “the doctor* will see you now…”

Abdul Ackworth, chemist. Abduls The Chemist, 17 Floyd Street, Beckworth.

* Vince has never been, nor claims to be, a real doctor. It’s more a term of affection

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