Breaking horse-chestnut news… Local Police and schools have today announced they are banning the collection and carrying of conkers by minors (By that they mean young children. Not filthy men who dig for coal and eat Cornish pasties). This is due to a huge spate of injuries caused by under 12s pelting passers by with the large brown seeds. Local Police have taken 126 children into custody and thus far three infant-school children have been charged with GBH and will be sentenced at the high court later this year. Or next. Christine Batley. Chief Feral And Violent Pre-Teens Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) Local conkers lay abandoned now all the town’s children are in Police cells