Local MP Hoping For Cabinet Role Alongside Old Etonian Boris.

Exclusive breaking Prime Minister Johnson news just in… In a fortuitous stroke of luck I just popped out to have a well earned cigarette break and who should I bump into coming out of the betting shop on the high street? Yes, our very own, highly respected, Beckworth MP, Stephen Tooting-Broadway MP who honoured me there and then with an exclusive interview as we shared a Marlborough Light. Mr Tooting-Broadway was very excited to have just won a “monkey on the gee-gees” (I’ve no idea what a monkey means but it must be good given his infectious happiness) and also to have found out that he is very likely to have landed a role in his friend Boris’ cabinet after years gathering dust on the back benches… Stephen told me he had been “friends” with the new Prime Minister since Prep School and that his younger brother, Rory Tooting-Broadway (the famous porn and sausage-meat baron), was Mr Johnsons fag at Eton (I looked it up and it means man servant not gay boy as I’d thought), so they know Boris Johnson‘s most intimate secrets which he’s offered to tell me at a price. Good luck to Tooting-Broadway and of course to Mr Johnson, I think the two of them can at last get us out of the stinking corrupt mire that is Europe. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Boris Johnson PM Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

Local Tennis Legend Loses In Semi-Final At Wimbledon

Breaking Wimbledon new just in (actually it happened yesterday but I was watching Federera and Nedal)… Beckworth’s very own “Mr Tennis” Lionel “Corky” Deptford (along with his “mixed” doubles partner (Andy Murray’s second cousin) Sandy) were sadly beaten in straight sets in yesterday’s semi-final…  Someone told me in passing that it was a great match, although they hadn’t actually seen it but then neither has “Corky”as he’s registered blind (he plays by sound alone)!!! Small consolation is that blind 95 year old “Corky” served the fastest ace this year at Wimbledon, having hit a ball at 189mph. Mr Deptford is said to be gutted not to make it to the finals as the winnings were to be spent on a new door for his front porch. Fingers crossed he’ll reach the finals next year and get that door “prize”. Beckworths’ other hope for glory, Corky’s Great-Grandson, 15 year old Louis “Cocky” Lewisham was disqualified minutes into his quarter final match for throwing a full bottle of Robinsons Barley Water (flavour unknown) at the Umpire after Cocky used the f word repeatedly whilst playing. The umpire was unhurt but visibly shaken and left the court in floods of tears… We wish young Master Lewisham much better luck next year… Christine Batley. Chief Ball Sports Reporter. Beckworth Guardian

Tennis’s Second Oldest Player Playing On Court Today… Or Tomorrow

Breaking Wimbledon new just in (In truth I knew last week but I’m only just reporting it)…. Local boy made good (and Wimbledon’s oldest competitor) Lionel Corky” Deptford will be playing “mixed” doubles with Andy Murray’s second cousin Sandy later today, or tomorrow if they can’t get a court to play on… It will hopefully be shown live on BBC2 or on something called red button (which I think is another word for the internet). 95 year old “Corky”, a wildcard choice to play the Grand Slam, was sadly knocked out in the first-round singles matches last week, by his own Great-Grandson, 15 year old Louis “Cocky” Lewisham. I didn’t see the match myself as it clashed with Nedal (I think), or I may have been out shopping. I’m told it was a thrilling match with Corky and his opponent Cocky having the quickest match in Wimbledon history. The completely blind Mr Deptford told me over the phone that “the little b*****d didn’t let up or give me a chance” and that his gout had been playing up… After a coughing fit he went onto add that he’d desperately needed the loo so was glad when the grudge match was over… Lionel is still almost the World’s oldest ranked tennis player though his ranking has slipped to 16,174th place, in age he is second only to Ms Toyota Corolla of Japan (105 years young and currently ranked 56th), who sadly couldn’t get a flight to compete at Wimbledon. Mr Deptford went onto say his new gender-fluid doubles partner Sandy is so much better than last years (Wayne Federer, Roger’s Dad) and he hoped they’d make it to the finals. Fingers crossed. Christine Batley. Chief Ball Sports Reporter. Beckworth Guardian

Summer Solstice Starts In Earnest

Bums and boobs on show news just in… Fans of sexual-deviancy and shedding their cheap clothes have once again bought shame to Beckworth… These idle soap-dodgers started congregating and fornicating from the wee small hours at the ancient Hammerite standing stones, claiming to be celebrating the summer solstice (I’m surprised they even knew what that meant… it actually means today is longest day ever in the town’s history). I’m told the scum were joined by crowds of doggers and photographers, some with torches, to see the sun rise and intercourse break out amongst bearded old men and women up against the rough stones. Personally I think it should be banned, or they do it in the privacy of their own homes. Or sheds. I will celebrate the solstace in a more civilised manner with a few bottles of wine, 20 Marlboro Lights and a copy of Hello magazine. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Pagan Worship Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

Local MP Fails To Make It As New PM

Exclusive breaking political new Prime Minister news just in…Beckworths’ local MP Stephen Tooting-Broadway MP has just this minute (well yesterday actually but I didn’t see his fax until just now) found out that he was voted off in the first round of the conservative leadership elections… Sadly shining-light of the Tory party Mr Tooting-Broadway only got one vote (MPs could bizarely only vote for themselves once), he says he will now throw his weight behind best school friend Boris Johnson. Good luck to Mr Johnson, he’s the only one who can us out of Europe with a really good deal…. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Not The Next PM Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

Local MP In Race To Become Next PM

Exclusive political new Prime Minister news just in…Beckworths’ local MP Stephen Tooting-Broadway MP has just this minute told me via fax that he is standing in the conservative leadership elections… He says he is standing against his best friend Boris Johnson to raise his own profile and also increase his chances of getting into the new cabinet (he’d like to be Home Secretary). Good luck to back-bencher Mr Tooting-Broadway, we need someone like him who will sort out Brexit and get the empire back for England. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief PM Election Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

Trump To Have Very Secret “Fishy” Visit To Beckworth

USA Presidential news just in… Just as Sir Donald Trump lands down in the UK rumours have reached us that the President is due to have a sneaky visit to his ancestral town of Beckworth. It is terribly hush-hush and being denied by secret service but I have it on good authority (thanks to the president’s very distant cousin, local scaffolder Muhhamad Turay-Trump) that Mr Trump, along with the Queen and the PM, will visit the town to grab a portion of his favourite Cod & Large Chips drenched in curry sauce from award winning chip shop Chip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah. Proud owners Lance & Brenda Colville said Mr Donny discovered the treat on his last state visit in 2018 and even took an extra portion of chips with him for the flight home… I’ll keep you posted when I know what time he and his entourage are due tomorrow so we can give him a splendid Beckworth welcome. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief US of A Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

From Eurovision Failure to European Parliament Winner

Euro Election news just in (actually the result came through last night but I’ve only just found out… I was out on the razz with the “gals” and have only just surfaced with the hangover from hell!!!)… Anyway, the news is that the Beckworth’s next MEP is none other than local singing legend and Eurovision disaster Michael “Mickey” Rice-Pudding. As previously reported (please keep up!) Mickey didn’t know he was even standing as a candidate, and is undecided if he’ll take up the post in Brussels… Come on Mickey, what choice is there between getting paid shedloads for doing bugger all as an MEP or (get this) go back to busking.!!!!! The election saw Nigel Farage’s brother Clinton (Brexit party) come second in the election followed, by some considerable distance, the smug (butter wouldn’t melt) Lib Dems. Good luck to Mr Rice-Puddin should he take up the post. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Euro Election Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

Surprise Result Likely in Indian Elections

Amazing International, probably not fake news, news just in… A rumour, likely to be true, has reached your favourite local reporter that the latest results in the Indian elections are showing that Beckworth’s very own local singing legend and Eurovision total failure Mickey “Michael” Rice-Pudding is likely to become India’s next president. Or King. Or something. The results look like a landslide victory for local busker Mickey. I texted him to see how he feels about becoming the most powerful person in India and he modestly claimed to know nothing about it, he didn’t even know he was up for election. Or that India was having a vote. He added he’d never been to India but does love a good balti, especially as a take-away on a Saturday night whilst watching X-Factor… Or Strictly when it’s on. His texts got a bit tearful when I said he’d have to move to India when he becomes Royalty and gets crowned and stuff. Through the texted tears he said he wasn’t sure he could commute to India and moving there wasn’t an option as he’d miss his Mum and they’d just got a puppy called Graham (after the leader of Eurovision). I suggested that maybe one of our readers would take the dog (and his Mum?) off his hands so he could move to the other side of the World… This seemed to cheer him up. I’ll keep you posted as whether Mr Rice-Puddin moves to India or abdicates. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Indian Election Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

Silver Lining For Eurovision Loser In Euro Elections

Amazing Euro Election rumour just in… News is circulating that the latest Beckworth exit poles are showing that local singing legend and Eurovision last-placer Michael “Mickey” Rice-Pudding is likely to become our next MEP. The most amazing bit is that Mickey didn’t know he was even standing as a candidate. I texted him to ask how he thinks he got onto the ballot paper and he can only think his Mum accidentally sent his Eurovision application form (along with his now-missing driving licence) to whoever runs Euro elections. I could see its an easy mistake to make, and believe Mr Rice-Pudding would be great as an MEP. Especially if he, along with all the other MEPs, doesn’t have to go to Brussels at all and will be paid vast sums of tax payers money to do precisely nothing. Except perhaps go back to busking. I’m told that the Brexit party languishes far behind Mickey in second place and no one is admitting to vote for the tories, Lib Dems or the communists (Labour). Good luck Mr Rice-Puddin, this country needs you. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Eurot Election Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette