Local Business Steps Up To Tackle Obesity Problem

Exclusive topical large people news just in… I am so proud to be reporting that a local Beckworth food emporium is showing the UK a clever way of stopping obesity by tackling the recently reported problem of fat people (or whatever you’re allowed to call them these days?) damaging society “head on”. I’m talking about how a top doctor has reported that we must stop big people eating snacks and drink coke in broad daylight and on public transport (no doubt the caring Doctor also wants them to stop dropping crumbs when they blatantly take up two seats on the bus or block pavements…Don’t get me started about ill fitting clothes especially “the lower half” if you know what I mean!!! It’s enough to put you off your food!!!!). Anyway local Kebab shop, Knossos Kebabs has “stepped up to the plate” with their own way of stopping obesity and so on your behalf I popped in to get a Donar and find out more from shop owner… Unfortunately he was in the betting shop so I asked his daughter Joolz who was serving me what the shop were doing about fatties… As she built me a rather fine kebab and large chips with all the trimmings and sauces she explained how they were dealing with large portion sizes and calories and stuff by introducing smaller kebabs. And the very clever bit is that the new “diet donors” sell for the same price as regular big ones as an incentive for large people to eat less… They have also started flogging healthy bottled tap water alongside the 2 litre bottles of fake fizzy drinks. I asked how successful it had proved and she said the water was proving hard to shift and “to be honest” most of our customers buy more than one kebab (and chips) at a time, so they may need to buy a few less to loose weight, but takings have gone up! It sounds like a win-win situation, large people get to loose pounds of flesh and a local entrepreneur makes a healthy profit. As my heroine Lady Thatcher would have said that’s the market economy benefitting everyone in society… And I have to add the (large) kebab I had was amazing, it tasted even better as i got to put it on my expenses! So the moral of this heartening story is if you want to loose weight (and you know you need to) eat a kebab… And i’ve just realised that apart from the meat it’s a vegetarian, or vegan, dish… so very healthy. I’m hoping other eateries begin diet portions so I can sample those and file a report. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Fatties & Food Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

Votey McVote Farce

Exclusive breaking Brexit news just in… As luck would have it today I managed to get my nails done at the new nail bar on the high street (co-owned by Strictly Bake Off’s very own Sandy Toksvig and her younger brother Randy) and as I was coming out admiring my new talons I literally bumped into a very well-lubricated Stephen Tooting-Broadway, Beckworth’s Conservative MP. He was briskly exiting his second home, the betting shop on the high street, puffing distractedly on a cheroot whilst swearing loudly to himself… I can’t repeat what he said but it was very graphic and gynaecological… Anyhoo, in an exclusive interview, there and then, Mr Tooting-Broadway told me how this country was going to the dogs and how his close friend, Boris Johnson our beloved and honest PM, was the only person in Parliament standing up for the intelligent rich (and the fact they voted in droves to leave the despised despots in Europe and MPs are blocking this) … Nothing exclusive about that you may say, but he went on to say that MPs of all persuasions, leavers, remainers and can’t be arsed, are making their own post-Brexit plans… many are stock-piling drink, cigarettes, take-away menus and loo roll whilst others have bought fake passports or joined the Lib Dems. They believe that if we don’t Brexit at the end of October the great british Daily Mail & Sun reading public will riot, lock the selfish MPs in the Houses Of Parliament and probably do a Guy Fawkes… He was deadly serious and red faced as he slurred his words to me, and told me he was refusing to set foot back in Parliament until the whole ruddy farce was over. After belching very loudly he added he didn’t become a member of parliament to become burnt toast, not when he could safely perform his duty (and get paid handsomely for it) from the safe distance of a Beckworth pub…  Whilst I partook of a second Marlborough Light and he swigged on an Aldi multipack “alcopop” Stephen let slip most enlightening information that he may not have meant to; divulging that his good friend Donald Trump has offered troops to quell any disquiet in exchange for the UK becoming the 51st, or 52nd, state in the Union. At this point Mr Tooting-Broadway broke away from me and relieved himself up against a postbox. I would have dearly loved to find out more but he’d splashed my Manolos. So I briskly returned to the office to sponge off the odorous p*** and of course, because of my dedication, type up this exclusive Brexit expose for you dear reader…. I say good luck to the Prime Minister in getting us out of the corrupt sess pool that is Europe. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Unbiased Brexit Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

Local MP Hoping For Cabinet Role Alongside Old Etonian Boris.

Exclusive breaking Prime Minister Johnson news just in… In a fortuitous stroke of luck I just popped out to have a well earned cigarette break and who should I bump into coming out of the betting shop on the high street? Yes, our very own, highly respected, Beckworth MP, Stephen Tooting-Broadway MP who honoured me there and then with an exclusive interview as we shared a Marlborough Light. Mr Tooting-Broadway was very excited to have just won a “monkey on the gee-gees” (I’ve no idea what a monkey means but it must be good given his infectious happiness) and also to have found out that he is very likely to have landed a role in his friend Boris’ cabinet after years gathering dust on the back benches… Stephen told me he had been “friends” with the new Prime Minister since Prep School and that his younger brother, Rory Tooting-Broadway (the famous porn and sausage-meat baron), was Mr Johnsons fag at Eton (I looked it up and it means man servant not gay boy as I’d thought), so they know Boris Johnson‘s most intimate secrets which he’s offered to tell me at a price. Good luck to Tooting-Broadway and of course to Mr Johnson, I think the two of them can at last get us out of the stinking corrupt mire that is Europe. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Boris Johnson PM Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

Local Tennis Legend Loses In Semi-Final At Wimbledon

Breaking Wimbledon new just in (actually it happened yesterday but I was watching Federera and Nedal)… Beckworth’s very own “Mr Tennis” Lionel “Corky” Deptford (along with his “mixed” doubles partner (Andy Murray’s second cousin) Sandy) were sadly beaten in straight sets in yesterday’s semi-final…  Someone told me in passing that it was a great match, although they hadn’t actually seen it but then neither has “Corky”as he’s registered blind (he plays by sound alone)!!! Small consolation is that blind 95 year old “Corky” served the fastest ace this year at Wimbledon, having hit a ball at 189mph. Mr Deptford is said to be gutted not to make it to the finals as the winnings were to be spent on a new door for his front porch. Fingers crossed he’ll reach the finals next year and get that door “prize”. Beckworths’ other hope for glory, Corky’s Great-Grandson, 15 year old Louis “Cocky” Lewisham was disqualified minutes into his quarter final match for throwing a full bottle of Robinsons Barley Water (flavour unknown) at the Umpire after Cocky used the f word repeatedly whilst playing. The umpire was unhurt but visibly shaken and left the court in floods of tears… We wish young Master Lewisham much better luck next year… Christine Batley. Chief Ball Sports Reporter. Beckworth Guardian

Tennis’s Second Oldest Player Playing On Court Today… Or Tomorrow

Breaking Wimbledon new just in (In truth I knew last week but I’m only just reporting it)…. Local boy made good (and Wimbledon’s oldest competitor) Lionel Corky” Deptford will be playing “mixed” doubles with Andy Murray’s second cousin Sandy later today, or tomorrow if they can’t get a court to play on… It will hopefully be shown live on BBC2 or on something called red button (which I think is another word for the internet). 95 year old “Corky”, a wildcard choice to play the Grand Slam, was sadly knocked out in the first-round singles matches last week, by his own Great-Grandson, 15 year old Louis “Cocky” Lewisham. I didn’t see the match myself as it clashed with Nedal (I think), or I may have been out shopping. I’m told it was a thrilling match with Corky and his opponent Cocky having the quickest match in Wimbledon history. The completely blind Mr Deptford told me over the phone that “the little b*****d didn’t let up or give me a chance” and that his gout had been playing up… After a coughing fit he went onto add that he’d desperately needed the loo so was glad when the grudge match was over… Lionel is still almost the World’s oldest ranked tennis player though his ranking has slipped to 16,174th place, in age he is second only to Ms Toyota Corolla of Japan (105 years young and currently ranked 56th), who sadly couldn’t get a flight to compete at Wimbledon. Mr Deptford went onto say his new gender-fluid doubles partner Sandy is so much better than last years (Wayne Federer, Roger’s Dad) and he hoped they’d make it to the finals. Fingers crossed. Christine Batley. Chief Ball Sports Reporter. Beckworth Guardian

Summer Solstice Starts In Earnest

Bums and boobs on show news just in… Fans of sexual-deviancy and shedding their cheap clothes have once again bought shame to Beckworth… These idle soap-dodgers started congregating and fornicating from the wee small hours at the ancient Hammerite standing stones, claiming to be celebrating the summer solstice (I’m surprised they even knew what that meant… it actually means today is longest day ever in the town’s history). I’m told the scum were joined by crowds of doggers and photographers, some with torches, to see the sun rise and intercourse break out amongst bearded old men and women up against the rough stones. Personally I think it should be banned, or they do it in the privacy of their own homes. Or sheds. I will celebrate the solstace in a more civilised manner with a few bottles of wine, 20 Marlboro Lights and a copy of Hello magazine. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Pagan Worship Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

Local MP Fails To Make It As New PM

Exclusive breaking political new Prime Minister news just in…Beckworths’ local MP Stephen Tooting-Broadway MP has just this minute (well yesterday actually but I didn’t see his fax until just now) found out that he was voted off in the first round of the conservative leadership elections… Sadly shining-light of the Tory party Mr Tooting-Broadway only got one vote (MPs could bizarely only vote for themselves once), he says he will now throw his weight behind best school friend Boris Johnson. Good luck to Mr Johnson, he’s the only one who can us out of Europe with a really good deal…. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Not The Next PM Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

Local MP In Race To Become Next PM

Exclusive political new Prime Minister news just in…Beckworths’ local MP Stephen Tooting-Broadway MP has just this minute told me via fax that he is standing in the conservative leadership elections… He says he is standing against his best friend Boris Johnson to raise his own profile and also increase his chances of getting into the new cabinet (he’d like to be Home Secretary). Good luck to back-bencher Mr Tooting-Broadway, we need someone like him who will sort out Brexit and get the empire back for England. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief PM Election Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

Trump To Have Very Secret “Fishy” Visit To Beckworth

USA Presidential news just in… Just as Sir Donald Trump lands down in the UK rumours have reached us that the President is due to have a sneaky visit to his ancestral town of Beckworth. It is terribly hush-hush and being denied by secret service but I have it on good authority (thanks to the president’s very distant cousin, local scaffolder Muhhamad Turay-Trump) that Mr Trump, along with the Queen and the PM, will visit the town to grab a portion of his favourite Cod & Large Chips drenched in curry sauce from award winning chip shop Chip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah. Proud owners Lance & Brenda Colville said Mr Donny discovered the treat on his last state visit in 2018 and even took an extra portion of chips with him for the flight home… I’ll keep you posted when I know what time he and his entourage are due tomorrow so we can give him a splendid Beckworth welcome. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief US of A Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

From Eurovision Failure to European Parliament Winner

Euro Election news just in (actually the result came through last night but I’ve only just found out… I was out on the razz with the “gals” and have only just surfaced with the hangover from hell!!!)… Anyway, the news is that the Beckworth’s next MEP is none other than local singing legend and Eurovision disaster Michael “Mickey” Rice-Pudding. As previously reported (please keep up!) Mickey didn’t know he was even standing as a candidate, and is undecided if he’ll take up the post in Brussels… Come on Mickey, what choice is there between getting paid shedloads for doing bugger all as an MEP or (get this) go back to busking.!!!!! The election saw Nigel Farage’s brother Clinton (Brexit party) come second in the election followed, by some considerable distance, the smug (butter wouldn’t melt) Lib Dems. Good luck to Mr Rice-Puddin should he take up the post. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Euro Election Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette