Conservatives Sweep Back Into Power

Political news just in… Congratulations are in order as our local Conservative candidate was swept into power and returned to Government with a powerful majority of 23 votes (it may be 24 but who’s counting?). A chuffed Stephen Tooting-Broadway MP told me over a brunch i paid for that his campaign had rubbished the opposition and he’d won on popular policies penalising the poor for having no money and for being lazy fat unwashed scroungers. Well done to Stephen for standing up for those of us who own our homes and dislike foreigners… Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Generlal Election Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

Last Call For Voters

A political plea just in… Don’t forget to vote (Conservative) today before it’s too late and the country goes to the dogs under a Labour / BNP / Liberal Democrat coalition… Our future is in your hands so don’t let the young and the poor ruin it. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief General Election Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

New US President Has Beckworth Roots…

USA Presidential news just in… I probably don’t need to remind you to stop what you’re doing at 5pm today to watch the wonderful spectacle of the inauguration of Donald Trump, but we locals have a “close to home” reason to celebrate. For not only is the new president a close friend to the UK, and have Scottish a roots, but it has just come to light in local family records that on his father’s side he is descended from a local Beckworth family. And not just any family. Mr Donald comes from a long line of scaffolders, the Turays, who are still in business today (despite going bankrupt twice in recent years). It is this family who brought scaffold-making to England in the 12th century and it is claimed that one of Donald’s ancestors, Ali Turay, built the scaffolds that hanged so many Royal wives. I spoke to the president’s distant cousin Muhhamad Turay-Trump and his Mexican wife Beryl earlier today and they said they hope to meet Mr Trump soon and offer him a great deal on scaffolding if he goes ahead with any wall building. I’ll keep you posted in case Donald does come to visit his ancestral scaffolding yard. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief US of A Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

New Years Honours List

New Years honours list news just in… There were many gasps of horror at the local conservative club earlier today when it became apparent that many local Tory donors hadn’t made it onto the list. Some members were very vocal about the size of their donations and stories of CBEs and OBEs that had been promised, and I am told a full investigation is to be carried out as to why local names were omitted. I will keep you up to date on this story as it unfolds… Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Cash For Honours Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

Winter Solstace Celebrated A Day Late

Solstace news just in… Many local fans of dogging and public shows of nudity were disappointed yesterday when there was a no-show of pagan worshipers at the ancient Hammerite standing stones. Crowds of lusting onlookers had arrived early with torches to see the sun rise over the stones and catch glimpses of naughty bits as groups of bearded old men and women were due to dance, sing and fornicate naked amongst the stones to celebrate the winter solstace (The worlds’ shortest day). From before dawn the disgruntled beying audience assembled but sadly no druids, witches, wizards or nutters appeared… In a statement issued later in the day the druids apologised claiming that they’d simply overslept. On a positive note a few did manage to gather earlier this morning to invoke the sun rise, all be it 24 hours late, but due to a frost (and a lack of watching public) kept their clothes on. Commiserations to all who missed this sight, let’s hope for better time keeping next year. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Pagan Worship Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

Druids Celebrate Winter Solstice At Stonehenge

(Above) Fully dressed druids doing traditional dances to get the sun to rise earlier today

Local Restaurant Loses It’s Michelin Star After Just One Year

Shocking foody news just in… Local restaurant (and takeaway) The Bamboo Caravan has today, after a lengthy investigation lasting at least half an hour, been stripped of it’s one Michelin star. Nigel Po, proprieter and chef, has closed the eaterie early today and told me all over a home-brewed shaojiu “I ask you, how can the French b****rds strip me of my hard won star…” before adding “And they’ve sacked my Porsche driving cousin, the very popular local Michelin restaurant inspector. The editor’s of the guide have trumped up some charge that he was on the fiddle, just because he’s handed out over 334 Michelin stars to local take-aways in the last year” Commiserations to Mr Po and all his talented staff. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Crispy Duck & Spring Roll Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

Beckworth_BambooCaravan

(Above) The popular Beckworth restaurant that’s just accidentally lost it’s one Michelin star

Britain – Open For Business, All Welcome

Breaking potential new business news just in… Following yesterday’s announcement that our close friends the Chinese and French are to build and run a new Nuclear power plant at somewhere called Hinkley Point in the UK, leaked documents show this appears to be the merest of hints of Government ambitions. The top-secret document, left in a public toilet cubicle, show that new PM Teresa May‘s quest is to sell everything off to the lowest bidder thus reducing the burden on the state which in turn could possibly reduce the country’s debt in the short term and give a lot of directorships to her friends and colleagues. North Korea are said to in the running to own and operate all the UK’s utility companies, Russia to supply and operate the UK’s nuclear deterrents, Zimbabwe to operate our border controls and Iran to train and control our police forces. “It’s an ambitious and quickly thought out plan which is to be applauded” a Tory flunky told me earlier this morning over a sherry “Even if in the long term it costs tax payers over the odds it will be worth it to save the Government having any responsibilities so we can get in on with the important stuff like reintroducing Grammar Schools and making sure unhealthy food is advertised to children” I’ll keep you posted if I get any more news from the top secret dossier… Christine Batley, Deputy Chief Post Brexit Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

Beckworth-Toilet Cubicles

(Above) An artists’s impression of a public toilet cubicle where secrets could be left

I’m A Celebrity Rumours On The Net…

Breaking downmarket TV news just in… The worldwide web is awash with rumours of who will be starring in the next series of I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here and not one, but three, Beckworth residents are said to be taking part. I’m reliably told that the speculation of celebrity’s taking part has come from top secret documents that Dec, one of the little Geordie twins who presents the jungle-based show, left on the school bus this morning. Local celebs who are said to have booked their flights to Australia (where the show is filmed) include QC (and B&B landlady), Cherie Blair, retired Pope Benedict “Benny” XVI and owner of the town’s stinky bolognaise sauce factory Lloyd Grossman. I’ll keep you posted if I get confirmation that this bunch will be appearing on the programme… Christine Batley, Deputy Chief TV Gossip Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly GazetteBeckworth_Ant & Dec

(Above) I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here’s little Geordie presenters Ant or Dec, or perhaps it’s Dec and Ant

Russian “Roping Scandal” Helps Local Olympian Reach Final In Rio

Breaking late afternoon news from early this morning in Rio (apologies I slept through the live coverage after a boozy night out and am only just catching up now)… Local not a gold-medalist skipper Bethany Folkestone had a stroke of luck in the semi-finals when the Russian competitor was disqualified due to a “roping scandal.” It was found she was using non-standard length skipping ropes and had extra-bouncy odour-eater soles in her trainers. So plucky 8-year old Bethany scraped through to the finals where, despite a valiant effort, she came last with just two points out of a possible 120. Gold contentiously went to North Korea, Silver to South Sudan and Bronze to Tuvalu (which i’d never heard of and sounds like the name of a ballroom). But as a famous loser once said it’s not the winning, it’s the taking part. But like we believe that! Commiserations to Bethany, let’s hope she does a lot better in 2020. Christine Batley, Deputy Chief Not Bothering To Stay Up Late Watching The Olympics Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

Beckworth-skipping-rope

(Above) The Russian team’s non-standard length skipping rope