Breaking Sporran & Kilt News Just In… Local singing duo The Proclaimers have been apprehended by Police on the hard-shoulder of the M1 for attempting to walk 500 miles (and probably 500 more) to visit their family in Leith in Scotland, stopping off at “closed” ale houses on route. The identical twins, Reg and Rory McReid tried to claim it was a sponsored walk and therefore essential, but the boys (and girls) in blue were having none of it and fined the singers £65 each. Luckily they had enough cash in their sporrans to pay up. The twins are now hitching a lift home… Remember: PLEASE STAY HOME. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Tartan Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette
(Above) Identical twin pop stars, Reg and Rory McReid
Breaking covidiot news just in… Beckworth council has just released a press release saying it’s closing all parks after taking Police advice. Yesterday over three thousand covidiots descended on Beckworth Park as if it was just a regular sunny Spring day and due to the amount of people social distancing could not be observed. Remember: PLEASE STAY HOME. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Covidiot Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette
(Above) Some of the covidiots in Beckworth Park yesterday. Or perhaps last year.
Breaking clay-based news just in… Beckworth FE College has announced that they are aiming to take all adult education evening classes online, or similar, next month. This will include over 90s yoga, veterinary as a hobby classes and life drawing art classes via live video link (i’ll sign up for the latter if its a well hung naked young man modelling). Car mechanics for beginners will continue via occasional phone calls, Arc Welding For Young Mum’s via hastily written postcards and flower arranging probably by post. Most ambitiously the pottery class will continue with each potter in their own home using improvised potters wheels, tuition by Skype and the clay posted weekly through a letter box or open window. Well done to the plucky college, it’s innovation like this that won us the war, and will help us beat this invisible menace we currently face. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief China Tea Pot Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette
Breaking funeral news just in… At last I can report on some happy news in amongst all the reports of coughing and deaths. Local lad, 61 year old Terry Tottenham Jnr, (pictured above), has once again been nominated as the UK’s cheeriest undertaker in the prestigious Grin Reaper Award 2020. Mr Junior last won in 2015 and despite a series of scandals was nominated in 2018 and last year. Although he failed to win on both occasions he believs this year could be his year, he says he’s “match fit” having learnt some new inappropriate innuendos and jokes and the number of funeral enquiries is on the rise.
The awards were due to be held in the Albert Hall this weekend but due to the Corona virus all undertakers are now on stand-by and very busy, so the event will now take place later in the year. Probably. We all wish Mr Terry of Tottenham and Arsenal Funeral Directors the best. His dad, Terence Sr, won six times back in the heady 1970s so his son has a lot to “live” up to.
Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Laid-To-Rest Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette
Corona Virus news just in… Today (or was it yesterday?) is officially the start of the Spring Solstice, that’s a fancy name for Spring, and our local druids and druggies weren’t going to let the threat of an early death or a fever dampen their spirits. I’m told that this morning at around 5am they put on their usual unabashed display of nudity, folk singing and fornication at sunrise this morning… I would have reported on this in person but i’m “working” from home, and let’s face it, who in their right mind wants get up at the crack of dawn just to be put off breakfast by some old hippies shaking their gnarled old naughty bits around some ancient burial site. For God’s sake it’s the 21st century, not some episode of Game of Thongs or whatever its called… Plus i’ve got panic buying to do at Sainsco today… An eye witness said the number of druids, witches and tramps in attendance was down on last year, which did allow them to observe social distancing as they pranced and sang whilst circling the Hammerite standing stones. I’m told they’ll be doing it all over again in June, if we’re not in total lock down, when it’s summer time. Not that I plan to attend, even if i’m actually allowed out… I value my sanity. Plus God invented clothes for a reason!!!! Christine Batley. Deputy Chief C-Virus Pagan Worship Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette
(Above) An artists impression of Beckworth’s naked, Spring celebrating, soap-dodgers
Breaking Corona Virus news just in… Local supermarket Sainsco has today, like many food retailers, taken the drastic step of introducing rationing, but with a clever twist. I interviewed store manager Patricia Mulligan yesterday (by phone, i’m self isolating away from anyone who works with the “great unwashed”) to find out more and ask her to put some loo roll and wine aside for me. Ms Mulligan explained that rationing was in response to greedy people bulk-buying and clearing shelves as soon as stock arrived “many people have been filling their trolleys with essentials such as Jamie Oliver cookbooks and asparagus… toilet roll and bottom wipes are the first to go… I’ve heard that many customers believe the virus will leave them stuck on the lav for days… pasta and rice are sold out, so are those cook-in sauces especially the italian ones… biscuits and tea, so i’m assuming people will be self isolating by having tea parties or making industrial quantities of bolognaise…” she went on (and on) to say “we’ve not had deliveries of soap, washing up liquid or birthday cards for weeks, though i’m not sure the latter has anything to do with the virus… it may be that Doreen in the cards isle has just repeatedly forgotten to order any cards” It was at this point that I managed to interrupt Patty’s “fascinating” insight into store life and ask her what rationing measures she was putting in place? It was then that she told me of the twist at her branch of Sainsco. She explained “I was watching the new TV series of Supermarket Sweep, presented by the dishy Ryan Clark- Kneels-Down, and I realised that was how we could turn a crisis into lots of fun” She went on to at last furnish me with the details “We are allowing each customer a one minute trolley dash around the store to buy as much as they can… We did a trial run with a visiting minibus of pensioners yesterday evening and it was a great success. They didn’t manage to strip any shelves bear, apart from the incontinence section.” With that I managed to get her off the phone so I could watch Ant & Dec. Anyway, it sounds like Pat’s hit on a great idea that, perhaps, many other stores should follow. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief I’m Stocking Up On Spirits & Crisps Reporter. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette
(Above) Handsome Ryan Clark-Kneels-Down presenter of TV’s Supermarket Sweep
Breaking entertainment news just in…. One of Beckworth’s less well known, or funny, local impersonators (and street cleaner) has announced he is to take immediate retirement due to the untimely sad death of his hero, and subject of his entire act. Nick Parsnips says he could probably never again perform his tribute to Nicholas Parsons without crying, unless fans force him out of retirement… Which I have to say, having seen his act the last time he performed it over 15 years ago, is highly unlikely. I wish him the best in retirement, the high street will be a very slightly less tidy place without Nick smoking a “rolly” whilst leaning on his broom and shouting “i’m live from Norwich” or “you’ve got one minute to get past me without deviation” to the puzzlement of passers-by. I would like to extend my sincere condolences to Mr Parsnips’s wife for putting up with him and especially to the family of TV and radio legend Nicholas Parsons. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Sale Of The Century Reporter. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette
Breaking vacuous reality TV news just in… A good-looking young billionaire toff has been unceremoniously booted off the terrible yet addictive viewing sex programme Love Island for shooting rhinos, squirrels and hippos… I kid you not, in breaks between filming him kissing and canoodling lasses from the Thames Estuary he has been out big game hunting and posting videos on tinder or grinder or wherever it is you post such guff… But good news for us is that local legend, Jack Agoogoo (Fresh from losing I’m A Celebrity) is being flown out to join the cast and no doubt prove a hit with the ladies… His sister, Nelly has just texted me that he is being paid “over fifty quid and a years worth of condoms” to go on it. She added she’d asked if she could also go on it, but sadly there weren’t any other vacancies. Bad luck Nelly, Good luck to Jack. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Reality TV Reporter. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette
Exclusive breaking Royal news just in… Today a nervous Prince William joined his brother Harry, his Dad Charles, and beloved ancient Grandma (The Queen) in “crisis” talks to iron out details of how he and his American wife Meghan Markle could stop being Royalists and become parliamentarians or nationalists or something… The talks took place away from the glare of the tabloid media at the Queens holiday home in Slocombe (“Randy Bulls” static caravan park) and were said to have gone “well” despite Mrs Markle failing to get through on the phone… But i’ve been in contact with a close friend of one of Randy Bull’s security guards who said the outcome may have been cordial but there was lots of screaming, crying, fists thumping during the talks… Then they found out that was just Prince Philip trying to get into the Queens caravan. The security guard, who was listening at a window, says Mr & Mrs Markle demands include wanting to be able to market being “ex” Royals to make lots of cash, as they “want to out Beckham the Beckhams”… The ex-Prince is hoping to launch his own brand of of male grooming products (and wants to take style tips from Mr Beckham, such as getting tattoos and wearing vests), and Mrs Meg wants to get business advice from Victoria so she can launch a jewellery brand, Markle’s Royal Sparkles, to sell fake crowns, orbs and tiaras, etc. I wish Mr & Mrs Markle good luck and every success, especially with the cheap jewellery. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Royal Retirement Reporter. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette
Exclusive breaking Royal news just in… Today everyone woke up to the sad news that Prince William and his wife Meghan Markle are to step down from Royal duties and become just plain Mr & Mrs, but i’ve been in close contact with a close friend of Meghans to dig deeper and find the truth behind the headlines… Mrs Markle’s confidant let me know the real reason they want to retire early and move to the USA when I was promised to keep the truth secret. But being an investigative journalist means I must betray their trust and let my dear readers know the truth. Especially as the real reason is so banal. Megan’s lady-in-waiting said that whilst Mrs Markle wants to spend time with her baby son George not working for the rest of life is primarily so she can spend time with her Mum when her Mum retires in the next few months. Her mum, German President Angela Merkel, has always been very close to her daughter and Mrs Angula is said to consider son-in-law Prince William as her own flesh and blood, especially as he’s of German descent. Therefore he’s happy to get learn a trade and get a “normal job”, perhaps plumbing as he loves pipes, to support his new extended family. It is said that William’s Dad Prince Charles is livid as he’d always hoped his son would become a gardener like himself. I personally wish Mr & Mrs Markle good luck and a happy life together. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Royal Retirement Reporter. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette