Local Consortium Bid to Run Major Rail Route

Entrepreneur news just in… Three local business people have been inspired by the Government allowing inexperienced “start-ups” to bid for major contracts such as post-Brexit ferries. Forming a consortium down the pub the plucky (and frankly tipsy) trio have approached transport minister Chris Grayling with an offer to run the loss making East Coast Mainline. Spokesperson Abdul, who runs our local chemist, was quoted as saying “We’re perfect for the job. We’ve absolutely no experience running a rail company or any transport related business, we’ve no trains or staff but we’ve promised to be really cheap.” He went on to say “and as with all Government contracts we’ll actually fail to deliver and cost the taxpayer millions more than we said. And there’ll be no downside as we’ll get millions in subsidies..” Chris Grayling’s spokesperson declined to comment but said she’ll forward the message when her husband gets home.

Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Transport Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

Meghan Markle’s (Alleged) Half-Brother Advised To Stay Away From Windsor Next Week

Breaking celebrity Royal Wedding news just in… It has come to our attention, in a exclusive, that a Buckingham Palace account has just tweeted about Meghan Markle’s (probable) half brother, Mark “Marky Mark” Markle. It is believed that Ms Markle’s, until recently unknown sibling, has been advised by Lord Prince Charle’s aids to stay away from the future King’s ginger son and his wedding next week. Light-fingered Marky Mark is of course a well known felon in Beckworth and is currently restricted to where he can travel due to an asbo for burgling the butchers. Twice. But that apparently hasn’t stopped Mr Markle, 52 and of no fixed address, ringing up Prince Harry almost daily to give wedding advice and offers to arrange the stag do… Mark has also been seen in Beckworth High Street drunkenly telling all that he’ll not only be attending the wedding of his (likely) half-sister but also doing a reading during the televised service. I for one will be glued to my tablet next Saturday to watch the wedding of the century and do hope unemployed Marky Mark will be there, as he’s the only person from Beckworth we know who is (probably) invited to the bash… Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Celebrity Convict Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

Winter Solstice Celebrations Started Early

Freezing news just in… Fans of dogging and public nudity started congregating and fornicating from late last night at the ancient Hammerite standing stones to celebrate today being the shortest day ever in the UK’s history (it’s only seven hours long today instead of the usual 24). I’m told that crowds of lusting onlookers have arrived this afternoon, some with torches for later, to see the sun set over the stones and then as it gets dark catch glimpses of bearded old men and women getting up to mischief behind the stones whilst others dance, sing and rub their nakedness up against the rough stones. Seems a funny way to celebrate the winter solstace but it makes for a newsworthy story. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Pagan Worship Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

Local Celebrity’s Shop To Close

Sad shopping news just in… Local joke and magic shop “You’ll Like This… Not A Lot” (on Floyd Street next to the undertakers) is to close tomorrow due to a lack of customers and the fact it’s owner, and sole member of staff, Debbie McGee is run off her feet appearing on the telly. Ms Mcgee says she hopes to sell the shop as a going concern and if not may change it into a nail bar. Since the sad death of her father, Paul Daniels, in a magic trick gone wrong, Ms McGee has found her career has rocketed. She has recently been showing off her cooking skills (toasted sandwiches are her forte) on Celebrity Masterchef, now she’s strutting her stuff on Strictly and her agent says she’s been booked to appear in the next series of Love Island with Bear Grills. Let’s hope Deborah does well in all her celebrity challenges and finds a buyer for her late father’s shop… Christine Batley. Chief Celebrity Reporter. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

Local Athlete Misses Out On Medal

Sad news just in… Whilst all eyes were on Usain Bolt receiving a bronze medal at last night’s World Athletic Championships in London town local interest was firmly on the performance of Beckworth resident Bethany Folkestone. After a two week ban for taking paracetemol before a race Ms Folkestone was back in action and was in top form… After a nail-biting photo-finish in the speed skipping it was announced that nine year old Bethany came last. She is said to be very upset as she suspects that a competitor had deliberately knotted her skipping rope, but like a fairy Godfather Lord Seb Coe stepped in after the race and sold her a packet of travel tissues. Let’s hope Bethany fares better in the egg and spoon race later today… Christine Batley. Chief Rope Sports Reporter. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

Corkys Out

Breaking news just in… Local tennis ace Corky Deptford has just lost to Gilles Muller (heir to the potted rice dynasty) in a nail biting singles match lasting almost 5 hours… The playing by both champs was amazing, but it was especially good for an allegedly blind player. Andy Murray who was watching and taking notes from his mentor said “The guvnor, Mr Deptford, was really on fire today” before adding “In fact at one point, whilst lighting a fag his bandana caught alight, but it was quickly extinguished by an umpire wielding a bottle of sparkling mineral water… And Corky was hardly even put off his serve. What a pro” I caught Mr deptford post-match on his way speedily to the loo and he told me “he almost had the foreign lad on the ropes but had really bad wind which affected his game…” he went onto explain that “yesterday he spent the day boozing, smoking and ended up having a midnight curry” bad luck Corky, But you did us proud. Christine Batley. Chief Ball Sports Reporter. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

Wimbledon Today Tomorrow

Hello all. Don’t forget to watch Today At Wimbledon tomorrow on BBC2 as local tennis pro Lionel “Corky” Deptford’s fourth-round match against some foreign johnny is highly likely to be shown. Corky is a veteran of Wimbledon who he has always claimed he played one of the first matches when it first opened 140 years ago, which is very impressive, he has also said he inspired Andy Murray and Bjorn Borg to take up the sport. 93 year old Mr Deptford, who is allegedly completely blind and plays by sense of smell alone, will be playing on Court No 67 (close to the Wimbledon Tennis Club players-only toilets) and it promises to be a nail-biting match. Lionel is almost the World’s oldest ranked tennis player (9,004th) second only to Ms Toyota Corolla of Japan (103 years young and currently ranked 5th in the World). Last year Mr Deptford was hospitalised when he was wrestled to the ground by a 12 year old ballgirl but dismissed the accident “just one of those bl***dy crazy things that happens in World class tennis.” He thankfully discharged himself just in time to loose in the mixed doubles, alongside his long-time tennis partner Wayne Federer (Roger’s Dad). Fingers crossed for Corky this year, who knows he may even make the final for the first time in 30 or 40 years. Christine Batley. Chief Ball Sports Reporter. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette