Hello Beckworth. Just to let you know that the town has been blessed with a visitation by a very rare mollusc, the Common Shelless Snail (Latin: Communus Snailius With No Shellius). We’ve had a few wonderful sightings of the shy, 6cm long “naked” snails in the past couple of days, mainly around the A324 roundabout near McDonalds, and we are currently feeding the gastropods and helping them across the busy road junction, with the hope that Lord David Attenborough will come down with his film crew to make an award-winning documentary. The snail has become extinct in many parts of Europe, as they are thought a delicacy and are easier to eat by virtue of being shell-less, and are extremely rare in this country due to the fact they prefer to live by the road side and get squashed by careless motorists. So we are a very lucky town to have them visit. Yours, Clifford Pinner

(Above) The very rare Communus Snailius With No Shellius avoiding traffic earlier today