A Pensioners Cry For Help

Good morning one and all. This is a distressed missive from a healthy octogenarian so please help if you will. I have lost my favourite underpants. I am not usually one to lose freshly laundered undergarments and so it is once again likely to be local thieves, or prisoners out on a chain gang or perhaps bored school-children targeting the old and vulnerable, such as ones self. I last saw my treasured dark brown paisley-trimmed y-fronts yesterday morning… I’m sure they were waiting to be starched and ironed by my visiting home-help, whilst I went commando and frequented some our fine local hostileries with my close friends Clare Balding and Jeremy Clarkson.  But having returned late last night the pants could not be found. I even looked in the fridge and oven as my clothes often end up there instead of the washing machine. I normally wouldn’t mind continuing to go sans-undercrackers but I fancied wearing my M&S pants on Sunday when I have a young “neice” coming to visit me. The thieves also seem to have stolen a cup of tea I was half way through drinking before I ventured out to the pub. Do these people have no respect for the elderly? If you have you seen my pants or a half drunk cup of tea carelessly tossed into a hedge or tree please let me know or phone the police? Actually, now I look more carefully I may also have lost some biscuits…

Any help would be appreciated. Colonel T. Ludlow (Ret’d)

Star Spot: The Pope (Once Again)

Hello all. This is third time this week I’ve seen the ex-Pope (John Paul George Ringo II) on my way between pubs. Today I was walking up Madonna Lane when I saw him getting a tool kit and pipes from his old pope-mobile (that he’s cunningly disguised as a plumber’s van). As he had his hands full I offered to get a packet of cigarettes out from his overall pockets, so we could both have a smoke and catch up on events in the Vatican City. You would have thought i’d told him God doesn’t exist by the way he told me to “go away” using very colourfull language, and he’s still insisting his name’s Rod. I’ll tell you, it’s no wonder he’s the ex-leader of The Catholic Church and not still in the job, he’s got the vocabulary of Kerry Katona and the manners of a football player. All the best, Colonel T. Ludlow (Ret’d)

Beckworth_DynoRod2

(Above) The ex-Pope getting his plumbing tools from his Pope-mobile earlier today

Star Spot: The Pope (Again)

Hello all. For the second time this week I’ve seen the ex-Pope (John Paul George Ringo II). I was falling out of the pub early this morning after a lock-in to celebrate baby King George’s birthday when i spotted the Pontiff buying his poodle some tins of food in the corner shop. Interestingly he is now saying he’s not the ex-Pope but a semi-retired plumber called Rod. But blotto or not I know an ex-Bishop of Rome when I see one. Anyway, as a gesture of friendship I tried to ponce more cigarettes off him, but he claimed he had just given up smoking. If he wasn’t the ex-leader of The Catholic Church I’d have said the blighter was lying. All the best, Colonel T. Ludlow (Ret’d)

PS many thanks to Leslie Warwick for the tea cosy. It is a perfect replacement for my lost balaclava

Beckworth_Pope's_Poodle

(Above) The ex-Pope’s Poodle waits patiently outside the corner shop

Star Spot: The Pope

Hello all. I’ve just seen the ex-Bishop Of Rome (Pope John Paul George Ringo II) in the betting shop losing a tenner on the gee-gees. Being of the Agnostic persuasion I felt no guilt at kicking the poor bugger whilst he was down (not literally but… ), and ponced his last two cigarettes off him. I will smoke them and say a few hail Marys whilst I await the results of the 2.15 at Chepstow. God Bless the ex-leader of The Catholic Church, Colonel T. Ludlow (Ret’d)

PS I still can’t find my blasted balaclava, so if anyone has a spare hat i’d like it!

Patrick Stewart opens new weather centre John Clare Cottage Helpston and has a tour of the village

(Above) A visibly upset ex-Pope photographed leaving a turf accountants earlier today

Pants Found By Helicoptor

Many thanks to all of you who have searched high and low for my missing lucky pants. I was going to look myself over the weekend but I got distracted watching a D-Day rehearsal by the scouts and brownies and ended up completely blotto in the inns of Beckworth, such is life. But I am happy to say that whilst i was toasting the boys and girls of World war II the Coast Guard found a very similar pair to mine on a pavement 50 miles from my home. It’s amazing what they can spot from a helicoptor. The pants aren’t actually mine but as they almost fit (they are very snug around my undercarriage) I’ll wear them anyway. So many thanks to Flight Commander Collins and his crew, and i’m looking forward to spending an evening in their officer’s mess. Colonel T. Ludlow (Ret’d)

PS I’m still missing a balaclava if anyone finds one… Or a woollen hat will do

Beckworth_Pants

(Above) The pants found by the Coast Guard helicoptor

Pants

If anyone finds a pair of men’s used brown underpants, probably near the high street, please let me know. I think I mislaid them yesterday… Or maybe it was the day before that. I do remember quite clearly I had to remove them quickly behind some wheelie bins but after that my mind is a blank. I was quite blootered at the time, because Arsenal had just won a football match and although I don’t follow the game it seemed rather a good reason to celebrate. Heavily. So please help me find my extra-large “lucky” pants, as they are my favourite pair. Come to think of it they are my only pair.

Any help would be appreciated. Colonel T. Ludlow (Ret’d)

By the way, I may have also lost a grey knitted balaclava as I was wearing it when I left the house on Friday night… and I’m not now.

Beckworth_Pants

(Above) The Colonel’s Recently Lost Lucky Pants 

Lost: Contents Of Fridge

Good afternoon. This is a distress signal from a sprightly septuagenarian so please take note if you will. I have lost the contents of my fridge. I am not usually one to lose chilled foodstuffs and so am sure it is the job of local thieves targeting the old and vulnerable, such as myself. I could swear blind that the fridge contained food when I last looked on Tuesday afternoon just before I went out with Clare Balding, Jeremy Clarkson and other close friends to wet the Royal Baby’s head.  Now, having returned from 5 days of celebrating I find the fridge empty. I wouldn’t mind but I fancied some pork pie to help with my head and found it gone. More worrying is the theives have stolen a jug of milk which was a family heir loom (the jug not the milk). The pretty jug was a costly item recently bought from a charity shop along with a nearly new pair of M&S underpants. Anyway I am most distressed that I have nothing comestible to calm my rumblings and so will have to eat out in one of Beckworth’s many hostelries… If they’ll unbar me.  So has anyone anyone seen my food being eaten in the street by hoodies? Have you seen a half eaten boiled egg carelessly discarded in a hedge or three week old baked beans thrown on the roadside? If so please let me know or phone the police? Actually, now I look more carefully I may also have lost the fridge.

Any help would be appreciated. Colonel T. Ludlow (Ret’d)

Beckworth_MilkJug

Have you seen this jug of milk (Above)?

Lost: Trousers, Cap and Probably My Left Sock

If anyone finds my army officers cap and khaki trousers please let me know. I woke up this morning semi-naked in a barn and for the life of me can’t think where they’ve gone. I was out celebrating Joan Collin’s birthday at yesterdays parade and got completely stewed, so they could be in any, if not all, of the town’s pubs. Did anyone see me in the inns of Beckworth? Was I wearing my trousers and cap at the time? There’s no need to rush to find them as luckily I was, and indeed still am, wearing my lucky pants. But any help would be appreciated. Colonel T. Ludlow (Ret’d)

PS Whilst you’re at it please keep an eye out for my left army sock, which I may have also lost during the very long night

sock

Not Lost Now Brown Shoe

Thank you to the friends, neighbours and strangers who helped me find my lost brown shoe. It was in my shed under a grobag all along. It turns out I went to the public house with slippers on… I’m buggered if I know where they ended up, but they had holes in so don’t bother searching for them. Who knows I may become reacquainted with them on my next sojourn to Beckworth’s hostelries. Col. T. Ludlow (Ret’d)

Lost: Man’s Brown Shoe, Size 11

If anyone finds a brown shoe somewhere near the market square please let me know. I think I lost it at yesterdays johnny foreigner market thing but to be honest the whole of the last week is a blur as i was out getting blootered in memory of St George and Lady Thatcher. Now I think of it, it could be absolutely anywhere, I’m not even sure if I went out wearing shoes as I started getting jolly at home. Did anyone see me in the street? Was I wearing shoes? Actually, come to think of it I may have lost a tweed jacket also.

Any help would be appreciated. Colonel T. Ludlow (Ret’d)