Hello. Great news for all those who have been following the horrific Stag Do Massacre case this year, probably the most important clue has just been found. And in the nick of time too… My bosses were on the verge of closing the case (as no body has yet been found) when I got a tip-off from some kids that they’d found a severed hand. As there was no time to lose PC Rozzer (my doggy assistant) and I took a gentle stroll in the rain to where the detached limb was last spotted. Lucky for us the clue was found in the waxworks museum, and so after paying the entrance fee we were able to spend a couple of hours larking about with effigies of the famous before getting down to detective work. We sealed off the crime scene, dusted for prints and took some very funny selfies shaking hands with the hand which we will put on instagram. It has a very strong grip and is very distinctive as it has a very thin wire bracelet wrapped around the wrist. After the anti-terrorist bomb squad have finished “making it safe” by blowing it up, we’ll be able to see if it’s a left hand, or right, or comes from a bloke or lady. It’s obviously connected to the Stag Do murder, but we’re not sure how. And that’s where you, Joe and Joanna Public, can help… Maybe you know someone with a criminal past or bad temper who has mislaid a hand and could be a murderer? Possibly you saw the owner of said palm and digits drop them in the museum whilst they looked around during a stag do? Or maybe you look like a waxwork of someone famous? If so CID would like to hear from you. Please ring 999 and ask for PC R Cowgrove at Beckworth Police station. PC Rozzer and I are currently working reduced hours as we’re getting the station ready for Christmas but feel free to leave a message on the answer phone. I’ll keep you posted on further murder developments in between making paper chains and drinking mulled wine. Yours, PC Cowgrove. Beckworth Police.

(Above) The most graphic clue yet has been found in the wax museum earlier today