Hello. Apologies for not keeping followers of the horrific Stag Do Massacre case up to speed recently, but there has been little to report since my last update. Due to a lack of a body or any “real” evidence that the crime actually happened my short-sighted bosses closed the case at the start of January and let me get back being a bobby on the beat. But a new clue has come to light this morning, whilst PC Rozzer and I were taking a stroll around our manor, and I feel this could be the evidence needed to reopen the case (like they do on that TV series starring the bloke from Minder). It’s obviously connected to the Stag Do murder, but i’d like to work out how. I’ll probably try and get the case onto Crimewatch (which would mean having fun doing a reconstruction (i’d play the detective in it) and get me into the media spotlight). In the meantime maybe you can help… Perhaps you know an incontinent criminal who takes a loo around with them, and has been embarrassing himself as he’s recently lost it? Maybe this was the murder weapon? Or possibly you’ve lent toilet roll to someone wanting a dump on the pavement near your house? If you have any information CID would like to hear from you. Please ring 999 and ask for PC R Cowgrove at Beckworth Police station. PC Rozzer and I are working part-time as the station is unheated so please leave a message on the answer phone. I’ll keep you posted on further murder developments, especially if i’m going to be on the telly. Yours, PC Cowgrove. Beckworth Police.

(Above) The vital clue in the now closed Stag Do murder case