Today is the saddest, most depressing day of the year, so to celebrate we are offering 30% off all anti-depressants and tissues. Also our redecorated health centre (in the back of the chemists) offers passport photos if you want a professional selfie taken to cheer you up. Our resident clinician “Dr” Vince is a “qualified” photographer *, so he knows all about lighting and cameras and stuff. When he’s not taking dodgy photos Vince also offers treatments for most ailments, but if they’re serious go to a GP as they’ll know what they’re talking about, probably. As they say on Casualty “the doctor” will see you now…

Abdul Ackworth, chemist. Abduls The Chemist, 17 Floyd Street, Beckworth.

* Vince has never been, nor claims to be, a real photographer. It’s more an inferred term to get him insured.