Good early afternoon to you all. On behalf of the Beckworth trade guild I am delighted to announce that local cleaning company, Nun and Dusted, have beaten off stiff Eastern European competition to win not one but two major contracts this week. And it’s only Tuesday! One is to regularly clean Beckworth’s Chinese owned and built nuclear reactor (with immediate effect following last weekend’s hushed up leak) and the second is to annually spring clean the North Korean owned and run sewage works at Inmanton. The wimple-wearing hygiene operatives are based in the local convent St Mary Of The Broom And Hoover which is run by ex-school caretaker and now top nun, the reverend Mother Glendolina. She has the company staffed exclusively by novice “sisters” who have taken vows of extreme cleanliness and OCD in addition to celibacy, poverty and occasional silence. The reverend Mum Superior told me in a letter “We are delighted that God has awarded us these contracts over the likes of cheap foreign competitors Spit & Polish and Spic and Stan” before adding in red biro “and in the name of the Father, Mother Mary, JC and the Holy Ghost we promise to keep the reactor and sewage treatment plant spotless or may the Lord smite me down with the jawbone of an ox.” Well done to the nuns and good luck with your expanding business. Yours, Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerceand

(Above) An operative from local cleaning company Nun and Dusted in full action