Beckworth’s Annual Strong Smelling Market Goes Online (Probably)

Hello all. I’m pleased to announce that this Sunday’s annual french Le Marche De Fromage Et Onion (Cheese And Onion Market) will be going “virtual” whilst our town is in lockdown. We had hoped to still stage this once in a year opportunity to buy expensive french cheeses, breads, veg and onions directly from real people but these garlic eating Frenchies are also in lockdown and sadly forbidden to travel. So we have been forced to turn to technology.

Your trade guild and the council’s IT department have created, for one day only, a sort of cheese and onion version of ebay. We just hope it will work. The idea is you can view items on the site, purchase and have them posted to you asap.

To recreate the atmosphere of the real thing the famous Emmental Fromagiers (“Cheese Soldiers”) will be pretending to have the traditional cheese parade to declare the market open by taking lots of selfies and posting them somewhere online.

Local celebrity Noel Edmunds is hoping to recreate a daredevil kite display in his living room which Mrs Edmunds hopes to capture on video and post online…. I must admit it’s all a bit beyond my imagination but if it works all markets could be held this week in future.

Sadly we haven’t yet worked out how to do a virtual crowning of Beckworth’s Miss Garlic 2020, unless you can suggest any

Stay home, stay safe. Yours sincerely, Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce

Beckworth Cheese-Soldiers

(Above) Le Marche De Fromage Et Onion in happier times before going “virtual” like ebay

Support Local Businesses This Black Friday

Hello all. I just wanted to share the offers some of Beckworth’s forward-thinking local traders are offering today in celebration of Black Friday… I’m told that Abdul’s The Chemist are offering a saving of 10% on all flavoured condoms and novelty mouthwash purchased alongside any NHS prescription… Knossos Kebabs have a 50p reduction on all kebabs if customers use the code KRAP19… Anglican Windows are offering a free door with any 30 plastic windows paid in full today… There’s half-price entry to the Banana Museum… The Lesbian And Gay And Bi-Sexual Society will be having cocktails and fannytails in the scout hut tonight (not sure if this to do with Black Friday or not?)…. Beckworth Police have a sale on their very popular “pre-loved” truncheons and handcuffs… The scouts are offering half-price “bob-a-job” when they get back home from school… The Blind Badger pub will be opening until 1am with discounts on out-of-date bar snacks… Master Gregs The Grocers are giving “a cuddle from Greg Wallace” away with every 2kg of carrots… and Fawkes Funerals have 10% off all 2nd hand coffins if ordered before 4pm today… So you’ve lots of reasons to shop locally today and support Beckworth High Street… Yours sincerely, Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce

International Wheelbarrow (And Garden Sprinkler) Show Back In Town This Week

Hello all. I just wanted to spread the fantastic news that this Wednesday the annual International Wheelbarrow (And Garden Sprinkler) Show returns to Beckworth. Last year it was held at the NEC but was a bit of a disaster i’m told. The show (the 16th held in Beckworth) will be opened at 9am by wheelbarrow enthusiast Jeremy Vine and his manager says he will be personally demonstrating many of the exhibits and probably unveiling some gardening firsts. Mr Vine has promised to spend tomorrow painting the village hall and cleaning the loos in preparation for the show. So see you there. Yours sincerely, Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce

Lovely Ladles Going Cheap

Hello. Good new for those of us who love large spoons… The UK’s favourite (and only) ladle superstore is celebrating two years of trading in Beckworth this week with a massive stock clearance sale. That’s right, Len’s Ladle Superstore is clearing the shelves of some of it’s underperforming ladle lines. Recently retired dance teacher and store owner/manager Len Goodman has instructed his young assistant Bruno Tonioli to sell off the many badly bent and rusting items, so grab yourselves a large-spoon like bargain (whilst stocks last)… As Len often regales regulars down the pub “A house isn’t a home without a ladle. Or two.” Yours sincerely Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce.


(Above) Just one of the lovely ladles available (at full price) in store today

International Wheelbarrow (And Garden Sprinkler) Show

Hello all. Many of you have recently emailed and sent postcards asking if Beckworth will once again be hosting the International Wheelbarrow (And Garden Sprinkler) Show. This would have been the 15th year Beckworth had hosted the prestigious show, but unfortunately due to unseemly behaviour by some of the exhibitors last year the show will now take place at Birmingham’s NEC. We are working very hard and “oiling the wheels” to try to win the show back next year. So keep your fingers crossed. Yours sincerely, Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce

Local Outrage Over Heathrow Expansion Plans

Good midday to you all. I’m sure I speak for us all when I say the whole of Beckworth is apoplectic with rage over the announcement that this Government has turned-tail and given Heathrow Airport the go ahead for expansion. After saying it never would… Why was it not our airport? I hear you ask in unison. You may remember that earlier this year, or was it last, we were shocked to read an independently biased report (paid for by Heathrow Airport) into the future of London’s airports, which not-surprisingly gave Heathrow the nod. But once the dust had settled and many “sweeteners” had been paid to the “right” people we were given assurances that the town was now the number one choice to become the UK’s biggest airport. And we’d even promised to build a cafe, fake-tudor pub and duty-free shop inside a new terminal… On top of that we offered to lay on twice daily buses to the nearest train station, where passengers could catch delayed, full trains that go quite close to London. But it seems to no avail. We will of course appeal, or at least ask for our “bribes” back. The Beckworth guild have campaigned tirelessly to have an international airport sighted in the brown fields on the edge of the town and we, the “little people,” will not be passed over quietly. So please sign the petition “Beckworth Still Wants A Big Airport. Or At Least A Runway,” which will be on view in many of the town’s shops from today. Or allow yourself to be harassed by a chugger on the high street. Let’s fight together. Yours sincerely, Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce

Beckworth Airport

(Above) A local artist’s plans for the proposed Beckworth International Airport as submitted, along with bungs of money, to the Government’s commission


US Presidential Candidate Hopeful Of Opening His First Shop In UK

Good mid afternoon to you all. I’m sure I speak for us all when I say we as a town are overjoyed that the next President of The USA, Sir Donald Trump is to planning to open his first UK shop here in Beckworth. Sir Donny, as he likes his staff to call him, has asked for planning-permission to build a branch of his successful equestrian and hair-piece superstore, Stirrups & Syrups, in the grounds of Beckworth Castle. We are hoping the council see fit to allow the plans to go ahead as it will bring about 6 jobs to the town… Yours sincerely, Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce


(Above) X marks the spot where Sir Trump hopes to build his huge store

Local Cleaning Firm Win Two Major Contracts

Good early afternoon to you all. On behalf of the Beckworth trade guild I am delighted to announce that local cleaning company, Nun and Dusted, have beaten off stiff Eastern European competition to win not one but two major contracts this week. And it’s only Tuesday! One is to regularly clean Beckworth’s Chinese owned and built nuclear reactor (with immediate effect following last weekend’s hushed up leak) and the second is to annually spring clean the North Korean owned and run sewage works at Inmanton. The wimple-wearing hygiene operatives are based in the local convent St Mary Of The Broom And Hoover which is run by ex-school caretaker and now top nun, the reverend Mother Glendolina. She has the company staffed exclusively by novice “sisters” who have taken vows of extreme cleanliness and OCD in addition to celibacy, poverty and occasional silence. The reverend Mum Superior told me in a letter “We are delighted that God has awarded us these contracts over the likes of cheap foreign competitors Spit & Polish and Spic and Stan” before adding in red biro “and in the name of the Father, Mother Mary, JC and the Holy Ghost we promise to keep the reactor and sewage treatment plant spotless or may the Lord smite me down with the jawbone of an ox.” Well done to the nuns and good luck with your expanding business. Yours, Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerceand


(Above) An operative from local cleaning company Nun and Dusted in full action

Ancient Common Land Gets Redevelopment Go-Ahead

Good evening to you all. The Beckworth trade guild are delighted to announce that local entrepreneur, and ex-barrow boy made good, Sir Philip “Phil” Green got some well deserved good news in the post today. The local council have at last approved his local housing development of 85 luxury town houses, which will give jobs to a dozen or so local builders. Sir Phil has been pushing to build these “Chelsea Harbour-like” nine story concrete and steel dwellings for the last 2 years, and at last the petty-minded left-wing green-loving commy planning department has seen sense and caved in to his demands. The beautiful gated-community will be built on the picturesque and ancient one-acre of common-land (adjacent to the village pond), known locally as Sir Philip Green’s Green. Plucky Sir Phil, inventor of the green shield stamps, bought the plot from the council for £1 back in 2012 with the proviso he’d mow the grass and never build on it. But clever Lord Green opened up some loop holes so the town can get benefit from an influx of foreign investors who are unlikely to ever live in the buildings, or pay tax. Mr Phil phoned me from his luxury yacht to tell me “After all the trumped-up nonsense about BHS it’s great to get some positive news as i sail around the Med getting an all over tan… As they say every cloud has a silver lining. Or in my case untraceable offshore 24 carat gold.” Well done to Mr Phil, a hero for capitalism. Yours, Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce


(Above) The clearly unloved Sir Philip Green’s Green is to be redeveloped at long last

Home Exhibition Opens This Weekend

Good evening to you all. The Beckworth trade guild are once again delighted to announce that this coming weekends’ Home Of Ideals exhibition will be opened by Channel 4 treasure, and trendy builder, Kevin McCloud. This is the second time that Beckworth has been honoured with hosting the annual home improvement show and this year it will take place in a marquee borrowed from the WI. Mr Mac will declare the show open at 9am on Saturday morning and ticket price is £35. In a short and badly misspelled text he said is just as excited as he was last year that the show is back “home” in Beckworth. Kev went on to say the town has a special place in his lonely heart as he did his brick-laying and hod-carrying apprenticeship in the town. Yours, Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce


(Above) Channel 4′s in-house builder Kevin McCloud will be opening the Home Of Ideals exhibition this weekend