Support Your Local Shops, Re-Opening Today

Hello all. Today many of Beckworth’s local shops are re-opening their doors due to a relaxation of the recent draconian emergency laws. I’m encouraging you to all to visit them all, and our pubs, gyms, cafes, massage parlours, etc in the hope they can bounce back. Some have sadly shut for the last time so it’s important we support what’s left, so why not flock to the high street and show your support? Stay safe, don’t stay home anymore except when you need to workt. Yours sincerely, Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce

Shops, Restaurants & Pubs Stay Open Late Before Another Pointless Lockdown Bites

Hello all. I’m pleased to announce that many local shops, restaurants, cafes and pubs will be staying open late tonight so you can buy Christmas presents early, eat and make merry before the draconian second lockdown comes into effect. Its important we all support our local businesses and if possible bulk buy. I myself will be getting my hair done, buying a lot of new shoes and then grabbing an Indian on my way to the Blind Badger… Happy shopping, eating & drinking, stay safe. Yours sincerely, Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce

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Beckworth’s Annual Strong Smelling Market Goes Online (Probably)

Hello all. I’m pleased to announce that this Sunday’s annual french Le Marche De Fromage Et Onion (Cheese And Onion Market) will be going “virtual” whilst our town is in lockdown. We had hoped to still stage this once in a year opportunity to buy expensive french cheeses, breads, veg and onions directly from real people but these garlic eating Frenchies are also in lockdown and sadly forbidden to travel. So we have been forced to turn to technology.

Your trade guild and the council’s IT department have created, for one day only, a sort of cheese and onion version of ebay. We just hope it will work. The idea is you can view items on the site, purchase and have them posted to you asap.

To recreate the atmosphere of the real thing the famous Emmental Fromagiers (“Cheese Soldiers”) will be pretending to have the traditional cheese parade to declare the market open by taking lots of selfies and posting them somewhere online.

Local celebrity Noel Edmunds is hoping to recreate a daredevil kite display in his living room which Mrs Edmunds hopes to capture on video and post online…. I must admit it’s all a bit beyond my imagination but if it works all markets could be held this week in future.

Sadly we haven’t yet worked out how to do a virtual crowning of Beckworth’s Miss Garlic 2020, unless you can suggest any

Stay home, stay safe. Yours sincerely, Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce

Beckworth Cheese-Soldiers

(Above) Le Marche De Fromage Et Onion in happier times before going “virtual” like ebay

Support Local Businesses This Black Friday

Hello all. I just wanted to share the offers some of Beckworth’s forward-thinking local traders are offering today in celebration of Black Friday… I’m told that Abdul’s The Chemist are offering a saving of 10% on all flavoured condoms and novelty mouthwash purchased alongside any NHS prescription… Knossos Kebabs have a 50p reduction on all kebabs if customers use the code KRAP19… Anglican Windows are offering a free door with any 30 plastic windows paid in full today… There’s half-price entry to the Banana Museum… The Lesbian And Gay And Bi-Sexual Society will be having cocktails and fannytails in the scout hut tonight (not sure if this to do with Black Friday or not?)…. Beckworth Police have a sale on their very popular “pre-loved” truncheons and handcuffs… The scouts are offering half-price “bob-a-job” when they get back home from school… The Blind Badger pub will be opening until 1am with discounts on out-of-date bar snacks… Master Gregs The Grocers are giving “a cuddle from Greg Wallace” away with every 2kg of carrots… and Fawkes Funerals have 10% off all 2nd hand coffins if ordered before 4pm today… So you’ve lots of reasons to shop locally today and support Beckworth High Street… Yours sincerely, Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce

International Wheelbarrow (And Garden Sprinkler) Show Back In Town This Week

Hello all. I just wanted to spread the fantastic news that this Wednesday the annual International Wheelbarrow (And Garden Sprinkler) Show returns to Beckworth. Last year it was held at the NEC but was a bit of a disaster i’m told. The show (the 16th held in Beckworth) will be opened at 9am by wheelbarrow enthusiast Jeremy Vine and his manager says he will be personally demonstrating many of the exhibits and probably unveiling some gardening firsts. Mr Vine has promised to spend tomorrow painting the village hall and cleaning the loos in preparation for the show. So see you there. Yours sincerely, Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce

Lovely Ladles Going Cheap

Hello. Good new for those of us who love large spoons… The UK’s favourite (and only) ladle superstore is celebrating two years of trading in Beckworth this week with a massive stock clearance sale. That’s right, Len’s Ladle Superstore is clearing the shelves of some of it’s underperforming ladle lines. Recently retired dance teacher and store owner/manager Len Goodman has instructed his young assistant Bruno Tonioli to sell off the many badly bent and rusting items, so grab yourselves a large-spoon like bargain (whilst stocks last)… As Len often regales regulars down the pub “A house isn’t a home without a ladle. Or two.” Yours sincerely Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce.


(Above) Just one of the lovely ladles available (at full price) in store today

International Wheelbarrow (And Garden Sprinkler) Show

Hello all. Many of you have recently emailed and sent postcards asking if Beckworth will once again be hosting the International Wheelbarrow (And Garden Sprinkler) Show. This would have been the 15th year Beckworth had hosted the prestigious show, but unfortunately due to unseemly behaviour by some of the exhibitors last year the show will now take place at Birmingham’s NEC. We are working very hard and “oiling the wheels” to try to win the show back next year. So keep your fingers crossed. Yours sincerely, Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce