Breaking political news just in… A slightly tipsy Chris “Failing” Grayling has just told reporters stationed all night outside his local pub that he’s not bothered about not getting the job of Head of World Security (promised to him by his life-long BBF Boris Johnson) as he’s instead going to head up the UK’s Covid response unit. He said this role suits him down to the ground, lots of TV appearances and visits to reopen pubs, bars and swanky restaurants and if he ****s up as usual the PM will cover up for him, just as he did for his other BFF Dom Cummings. In his first statement since becoming the “interim” head of Covid he sought to clear up any silly misunderstandings about whether to wear face masks in food shops or just supermarkets, Mr Grayling said “as a rule thumb, face masks, hats and gloves don’t need to be worn in any food emporium that sells caviar or sandwiches with the crusts cut off… Because the Covid disease only effects the poor and they don’t go in such high end establishments.” At last some clear guidance, thank you Sir Chris.