Scientists Prove That Covid Only Contagious Between 10pm and 10am

Breaking scientific health news just in… A slightly tipsy but trust-worthy Government source has revealed to me whilst staggering back from the Blind Badger that Covid 19 is only spreading for 12 hours a day. He went on to reveal that a scientist advisor says it’s only contagious between 10 at night and 10 in the morning, hence why pubs have been told to shut at 10pm before the infection wakes up and spreads during the night. He also said that betting offices, off-licences and strip clubs are completely Covid free which is why he’s spending so much time in them, just to keep himself and his family safe. It’s great to hear some common sense amongst all the fake news being spread by the tabloids and thank God we’ve got such a great Government in charge keeping us all safe and well. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Still Covid Free Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

Autumn Solstice… No Celebration Due To Apathy (& Forgetfulness)

Autumnal Solstice news just in… Yesterday, or the day before, was officially the start of Autumn. This would normally strike fear into the hearts of Beckworth residents due to naked druids usually fornicating as the sun comes up at the ancient Hammerite standing stones. Thank God this year it didn’t happen, a spokesperson for the the Druids said most forgot, and some are self isolating due to Covid. So some good has come out of the pandemic!

They have threatened to celebrate Winter Solstice in December if we have a mild winter and aren’t in lock down again. Here’s hoping…Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Pagan Worship Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

Hundreds Flock To Make-Shift Beach

Sandy news just in… This week the council accidentally dumped sand by the A434 main road near the public toilets and abbatoir. It was due to be used for some road works but local residents turned the small mound of sand into a tiny makeshift beach. News soon spread and hundreds have flocked to the area to enjoy the hot weather and sunbathe. As these visiting sun worshippers were young, unwashed and working class (if not unemployed or furloughed) no one was social distancing or wearing face masks, let alone washing their hands whilst singing happy birthday. So watch the numbers of Covid infections go up locally… I’m all for people enjoying themselves but not at the expense of others. Sainsco ran out of suncream and cheap wine so I wasn’t happy. On behalf of all tolerent, sensible Beckworth residents I say go home and take your litter and discarded underwear with you. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Stop Visitors Bringing Covid Here Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

Grayling Brushes Off Failure & Clarifies Face-Mask Confusion

Breaking political news just in… A slightly tipsy Chris “Failing” Grayling has just told reporters stationed all night outside his local pub that he’s not bothered about not getting the job of Head of World Security (promised to him by his life-long BBF Boris Johnson) as he’s instead going to head up the UK’s Covid response unit. He said this role suits him down to the ground, lots of TV appearances and visits to reopen pubs, bars and swanky restaurants and if he ****s up as usual the PM will cover up for him, just as he did for his other BFF Dom Cummings. In his first statement since becoming the “interim” head of Covid he sought to clear up any silly misunderstandings about whether to wear face masks in food shops or just supermarkets, Mr Grayling said “as a rule thumb, face masks, hats and gloves don’t need to be worn in any food emporium that sells caviar or sandwiches with the crusts cut off… Because the Covid disease only effects the poor and they don’t go in such high end establishments.” At last some clear guidance, thank you Sir Chris.

Scottish Pop Stars Fined For Attempting Non-Essential Journey

Breaking Sporran & Kilt News Just In… Local singing duo The Proclaimers have been apprehended by Police on the hard-shoulder of the M1 for attempting to walk 500 miles (and probably 500 more) to visit their family in Leith in Scotland, stopping off at “closed” ale houses on route. The identical twins, Reg and Rory McReid tried to claim it was a sponsored walk and therefore essential, but the boys (and girls) in blue were having none of it and fined the singers £65 each. Luckily they had enough cash in their sporrans to pay up. The twins are now hitching a lift home… Remember: PLEASE STAY HOME. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Tartan Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette


(Above) Identical twin pop stars, Reg and Rory McReid

Beckworth Council Closes All Parks After Thousands Disobey Stay At Home

Breaking covidiot news just in… Beckworth council has just released a press release saying it’s closing all parks after taking Police advice. Yesterday over three thousand covidiots descended on Beckworth Park as if it was just a regular sunny Spring day and due to the amount of people social distancing could not be observed. Remember: PLEASE STAY HOME. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Covidiot Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

Beckworth Park

(Above) Some of the covidiots in Beckworth Park yesterday. Or perhaps last year.

Local College Announces Evening Classes To Continue During Ongoing Lock Down

Breaking clay-based news just in… Beckworth FE College has announced that they are aiming to take all adult education evening classes online, or similar, next month. This will include over 90s yoga, veterinary as a hobby classes and life drawing art classes via live video link (i’ll sign up for the latter if its a well hung naked young man modelling). Car mechanics for beginners will continue via occasional phone calls, Arc Welding For Young Mum’s via hastily written postcards and flower arranging probably by post. Most ambitiously the pottery class will continue with each potter in their own home using improvised potters wheels, tuition by Skype and the clay posted weekly through a letter box or open window. Well done to the plucky college, it’s innovation like this that won us the war, and will help us beat this invisible menace we currently face. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief China Tea Pot Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

UK Undertakers Awards Postponed Until October… Or November.


Breaking funeral news just in… At last I can report on some happy news in amongst all the reports of coughing and deaths. Local lad, 61 year old Terry Tottenham Jnr, (pictured above), has once again been nominated as the UK’s cheeriest undertaker in the prestigious Grin Reaper Award 2020. Mr Junior last won in 2015 and despite a series of scandals was nominated in 2018 and last year. Although he failed to win on both occasions he believs this year could be his year, he says he’s “match fit” having learnt some new inappropriate innuendos and jokes and the number of funeral enquiries is on the rise.
The awards were due to be held in the Albert Hall this weekend but due to the Corona virus all undertakers are now on stand-by and very busy, so the event will now take place later in the year. Probably. We all wish Mr Terry of Tottenham and Arsenal Funeral Directors the best. His dad, Terence Sr, won six times back in the heady 1970s so his son has a lot to “live” up to.

Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Laid-To-Rest Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette