Local Celeb Defends Hosting Party During Lockdown

Breaking “celebs in lockdown” news just in… I’m so please to be announcing some happy news during these dismal pandemic times. It’s so tiresome reporting on people being ill or shops going out of business. Stop moaning! Anyway, back to the good news. This weekend just gone, a local celebrity (who wants to remain anonymous) was very resourceful and rented the (currently closed) Bamboo Caravan to host her own 30th birthday. The star invited at least 30 friends along and by all accounts it was the tonic all the celebs needed as they were growing tired of just tweeting fans. To be honest the whole town could hear the party as it was so loud, but when its famous people you don’t complain do you? Whilst clearing up the mess on Sunday morning restaurant manager Alan Ip told me he was grateful for the income and the guests were very drunk and didn’t break much. They needed a new toilet and kitchen anyway… After a little persuasion he told me who the celeb was, so I rang her immediately (I have many celebs on speed dial). She was very sweet, and has offered to pay her own small fine although no one official has asked her to (she’s so generous). She went on to say “It’s not every day you’re 30, and I thought we’ve found a cure for Covid so a party would be a great way to celebrate.” She went on to add “Anyway, It has been scientifically proven that celebs, like all rich people, are cleaner and healthier than the general public and can’t get Covid. So we’re safe to have parties, go out to dinner or fly around the World without the need to quarantine.” She’s so right. Mr Ip did tell me the Police were called by nosey jealous neighbours, but declined to close down the party or issue any fines as they were asked to stay and eat with the guests. Which they did. Well done to the boys (and girls) in blue. A police spokesperson declined to comment, but off the record did say the buffet was amazing, probably came from M&S, or Asda. Anyway, I applaud any rich people doing their bit to help local businesses such as the Bamboo Caravan through these difficult times. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Celebrity Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

We’re Giving Weedy Joe A Break…

Breaking US Presidential Election News Just In…  My editor has explained to me in no uncertain terms that we should show impartiality during the US election and try to say something positive about Great Grandpa Walton, I mean Biden. I’ve never seen him so rattled since Blair got into power. Anyway, saying something constructive about the old communist relic is really in case he does steal the election from the best US President ever, Donald Trump and wants to advertise in the paper… I’ve racked my brains about what to write about Old Man Biden that is neither derogatory or untrue, its been very hard but i’ve settled on he has a neat grey haircut, which suits an ancient Democrat. Job done. Now lets get back to preying that President Trump stays in the Whitehouse making America great again. I’ll keep you posted with any news or gossip but don’t expect any more Biden compliments! Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Political Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

President Trump Is Just “Biden” His Time

Breaking US Presidential Election News Just In… This election is proving to be nail-biting stuff (unfortunate as the nail has shut for lockdown!). A friend of a friend of a friend who allegedly knows someone in President Trump’s marvellous campaign team has just told me via zoom that he believes Mr Trump will romp home to win a second term when all the (legal) non-postal votes are counted. He said Donald is currently letting Grumpy Joe Biden believe he ‘s going to win, and then in a twist worthy of a Hollywood blockbuster (or a chapter in President Trump’s future best selling autobiography) he will sweep in and save America from the disaster the Democrats would be. I do hope he’s right. The world needs four more years of Donald’s straight talking and anti-foreigner rhetoric if we’re to survive Covid and the coming recession. If Sleepy Joe did become President by fraudulent means a silver lining would be that the ensuing court battles would probably kill off the senile old duffer. I’ll keep you posted with any news or gossip. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Political Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

Whatever The Outcome, Trump Will Be The Real Winner

Breaking US Presidential Election Thoughts Just In… This election may currently be anyones to win, though my money is still on the charismatic Donald winning a second (and third?) term, but one thing is becoming clear. Whatever the outcome of this (potentially) fraudulent election President Trump will be remembered for his statesmanship in office and world changing policies the positive ripples we are all benefitting from. This election highlights his true light as a modest humble man who’s selflessness has been a beacon of hope whilst we battle the Chinese pandemic. I’ll keep you posted with any election news or gossip, and lets pray Sneezy Joe fails in his attempt to steal the presidency. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Political Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette