Local Athlete Misses Out On Medal

Sad news just in… Whilst all eyes were on Usain Bolt receiving a bronze medal at last night’s World Athletic Championships in London town local interest was firmly on the performance of Beckworth resident Bethany Folkestone. After a two week ban for taking paracetemol before a race Ms Folkestone was back in action and was in top form… After a nail-biting photo-finish in the speed skipping it was announced that nine year old Bethany came last. She is said to be very upset as she suspects that a competitor had deliberately knotted her skipping rope, but like a fairy Godfather Lord Seb Coe stepped in after the race and sold her a packet of travel tissues. Let’s hope Bethany fares better in the egg and spoon race later today… Christine Batley. Chief Rope Sports Reporter. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

Corkys Out

Breaking news just in… Local tennis ace Corky Deptford has just lost to Gilles Muller (heir to the potted rice dynasty) in a nail biting singles match lasting almost 5 hours… The playing by both champs was amazing, but it was especially good for an allegedly blind player. Andy Murray who was watching and taking notes from his mentor said “The guvnor, Mr Deptford, was really on fire today” before adding “In fact at one point, whilst lighting a fag his bandana caught alight, but it was quickly extinguished by an umpire wielding a bottle of sparkling mineral water… And Corky was hardly even put off his serve. What a pro” I caught Mr deptford post-match on his way speedily to the loo and he told me “he almost had the foreign lad on the ropes but had really bad wind which affected his game…” he went onto explain that “yesterday he spent the day boozing, smoking and ended up having a midnight curry” bad luck Corky, But you did us proud. Christine Batley. Chief Ball Sports Reporter. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

Wimbledon Today Tomorrow

Hello all. Don’t forget to watch Today At Wimbledon tomorrow on BBC2 as local tennis pro Lionel “Corky” Deptford’s fourth-round match against some foreign johnny is highly likely to be shown. Corky is a veteran of Wimbledon who he has always claimed he played one of the first matches when it first opened 140 years ago, which is very impressive, he has also said he inspired Andy Murray and Bjorn Borg to take up the sport. 93 year old Mr Deptford, who is allegedly completely blind and plays by sense of smell alone, will be playing on Court No 67 (close to the Wimbledon Tennis Club players-only toilets) and it promises to be a nail-biting match. Lionel is almost the World’s oldest ranked tennis player (9,004th) second only to Ms Toyota Corolla of Japan (103 years young and currently ranked 5th in the World). Last year Mr Deptford was hospitalised when he was wrestled to the ground by a 12 year old ballgirl but dismissed the accident “just one of those bl***dy crazy things that happens in World class tennis.” He thankfully discharged himself just in time to loose in the mixed doubles, alongside his long-time tennis partner Wayne Federer (Roger’s Dad). Fingers crossed for Corky this year, who knows he may even make the final for the first time in 30 or 40 years. Christine Batley. Chief Ball Sports Reporter. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

Conservatives Sweep Back Into Power

Political news just in… Congratulations are in order as our local Conservative candidate was swept into power and returned to Government with a powerful majority of 23 votes (it may be 24 but who’s counting?). A chuffed Stephen Tooting-Broadway MP told me over a brunch i paid for that his campaign had rubbished the opposition and he’d won on popular policies penalising the poor for having no money and for being lazy fat unwashed scroungers. Well done to Stephen for standing up for those of us who own our homes and dislike foreigners… Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Generlal Election Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

Last Call For Voters

A political plea just in… Don’t forget to vote (Conservative) today before it’s too late and the country goes to the dogs under a Labour / BNP / Liberal Democrat coalition… Our future is in your hands so don’t let the young and the poor ruin it. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief General Election Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

New US President Has Beckworth Roots…

USA Presidential news just in… I probably don’t need to remind you to stop what you’re doing at 5pm today to watch the wonderful spectacle of the inauguration of Donald Trump, but we locals have a “close to home” reason to celebrate. For not only is the new president a close friend to the UK, and have Scottish a roots, but it has just come to light in local family records that on his father’s side he is descended from a local Beckworth family. And not just any family. Mr Donald comes from a long line of scaffolders, the Turays, who are still in business today (despite going bankrupt twice in recent years). It is this family who brought scaffold-making to England in the 12th century and it is claimed that one of Donald’s ancestors, Ali Turay, built the scaffolds that hanged so many Royal wives. I spoke to the president’s distant cousin Muhhamad Turay-Trump and his Mexican wife Beryl earlier today and they said they hope to meet Mr Trump soon and offer him a great deal on scaffolding if he goes ahead with any wall building. I’ll keep you posted in case Donald does come to visit his ancestral scaffolding yard. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief US of A Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

New Years Honours List

New Years honours list news just in… There were many gasps of horror at the local conservative club earlier today when it became apparent that many local Tory donors hadn’t made it onto the list. Some members were very vocal about the size of their donations and stories of CBEs and OBEs that had been promised, and I am told a full investigation is to be carried out as to why local names were omitted. I will keep you up to date on this story as it unfolds… Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Cash For Honours Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

Winter Solstace Celebrated A Day Late

Solstace news just in… Many local fans of dogging and public shows of nudity were disappointed yesterday when there was a no-show of pagan worshipers at the ancient Hammerite standing stones. Crowds of lusting onlookers had arrived early with torches to see the sun rise over the stones and catch glimpses of naughty bits as groups of bearded old men and women were due to dance, sing and fornicate naked amongst the stones to celebrate the winter solstace (The worlds’ shortest day). From before dawn the disgruntled beying audience assembled but sadly no druids, witches, wizards or nutters appeared… In a statement issued later in the day the druids apologised claiming that they’d simply overslept. On a positive note a few did manage to gather earlier this morning to invoke the sun rise, all be it 24 hours late, but due to a frost (and a lack of watching public) kept their clothes on. Commiserations to all who missed this sight, let’s hope for better time keeping next year. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Pagan Worship Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

Druids Celebrate Winter Solstice At Stonehenge

(Above) Fully dressed druids doing traditional dances to get the sun to rise earlier today

Local Restaurant Loses It’s Michelin Star After Just One Year

Shocking foody news just in… Local restaurant (and takeaway) The Bamboo Caravan has today, after a lengthy investigation lasting at least half an hour, been stripped of it’s one Michelin star. Nigel Po, proprieter and chef, has closed the eaterie early today and told me all over a home-brewed shaojiu “I ask you, how can the French b****rds strip me of my hard won star…” before adding “And they’ve sacked my Porsche driving cousin, the very popular local Michelin restaurant inspector. The editor’s of the guide have trumped up some charge that he was on the fiddle, just because he’s handed out over 334 Michelin stars to local take-aways in the last year” Commiserations to Mr Po and all his talented staff. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Crispy Duck & Spring Roll Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

Beckworth_BambooCaravan

(Above) The popular Beckworth restaurant that’s just accidentally lost it’s one Michelin star