Bums and boobs on show news just in… Fans of sexual-deviancy and shedding their cheap clothes have once again bought shame to Beckworth… These idle soap-dodgers started congregating and fornicating from the wee small hours at the ancient Hammerite standing stones, claiming to be celebrating the summer solstice (I’m surprised they even knew what that meant… it actually means today is longest day ever in the town’s history). I’m told the scum were joined by crowds of doggers and photographers, some with torches, to see the sun rise and intercourse break out amongst bearded old men and women up against the rough stones. Personally I think it should be banned, or they do it in the privacy of their own homes. Or sheds. I will celebrate the solstace in a more civilised manner with a few bottles of wine, 20 Marlboro Lights and a copy of Hello magazine. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Pagan Worship Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette
Exclusive breaking political new Prime Minister news just in…Beckworths’ local MP Stephen Tooting-Broadway MP has just this minute (well yesterday actually but I didn’t see his fax until just now) found out that he was voted off in the first round of the conservative leadership elections… Sadly shining-light of the Tory party Mr Tooting-Broadway only got one vote (MPs could bizarely only vote for themselves once), he says he will now throw his weight behind best school friend Boris Johnson. Good luck to Mr Johnson, he’s the only one who can us out of Europe with a really good deal…. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Not The Next PM Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette
Exclusive political new Prime Minister news just in…Beckworths’ local MP Stephen Tooting-Broadway MP has just this minute told me via fax that he is standing in the conservative leadership elections… He says he is standing against his best friend Boris Johnson to raise his own profile and also increase his chances of getting into the new cabinet (he’d like to be Home Secretary). Good luck to back-bencher Mr Tooting-Broadway, we need someone like him who will sort out Brexit and get the empire back for England. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief PM Election Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette
USA Presidential news just in… Just as Sir Donald Trump lands down in the UK rumours have reached us that the President is due to have a sneaky visit to his ancestral town of Beckworth. It is terribly hush-hush and being denied by secret service but I have it on good authority (thanks to the president’s very distant cousin, local scaffolder Muhhamad Turay-Trump) that Mr Trump, along with the Queen and the PM, will visit the town to grab a portion of his favourite Cod & Large Chips drenched in curry sauce from award winning chip shop Chip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah. Proud owners Lance & Brenda Colville said Mr Donny discovered the treat on his last state visit in 2018 and even took an extra portion of chips with him for the flight home… I’ll keep you posted when I know what time he and his entourage are due tomorrow so we can give him a splendid Beckworth welcome. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief US of A Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette
Euro Election news just in (actually the result came through last night but I’ve only just found out… I was out on the razz with the “gals” and have only just surfaced with the hangover from hell!!!)… Anyway, the news is that the Beckworth’s next MEP is none other than local singing legend and Eurovision disaster Michael “Mickey” Rice-Pudding. As previously reported (please keep up!) Mickey didn’t know he was even standing as a candidate, and is undecided if he’ll take up the post in Brussels… Come on Mickey, what choice is there between getting paid shedloads for doing bugger all as an MEP or (get this) go back to busking.!!!!! The election saw Nigel Farage’s brother Clinton (Brexit party) come second in the election followed, by some considerable distance, the smug (butter wouldn’t melt) Lib Dems. Good luck to Mr Rice-Puddin should he take up the post. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Euro Election Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette
Amazing International, probably not fake news, news just in… A rumour, likely to be true, has reached your favourite local reporter that the latest results in the Indian elections are showing that Beckworth’s very own local singing legend and Eurovision total failure Mickey “Michael” Rice-Pudding is likely to become India’s next president. Or King. Or something. The results look like a landslide victory for local busker Mickey. I texted him to see how he feels about becoming the most powerful person in India and he modestly claimed to know nothing about it, he didn’t even know he was up for election. Or that India was having a vote. He added he’d never been to India but does love a good balti, especially as a take-away on a Saturday night whilst watching X-Factor… Or Strictly when it’s on. His texts got a bit tearful when I said he’d have to move to India when he becomes Royalty and gets crowned and stuff. Through the texted tears he said he wasn’t sure he could commute to India and moving there wasn’t an option as he’d miss his Mum and they’d just got a puppy called Graham (after the leader of Eurovision). I suggested that maybe one of our readers would take the dog (and his Mum?) off his hands so he could move to the other side of the World… This seemed to cheer him up. I’ll keep you posted as whether Mr Rice-Puddin moves to India or abdicates. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Indian Election Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette
Amazing Euro Election rumour just in… News is circulating that the latest Beckworth exit poles are showing that local singing legend and Eurovision last-placer Michael “Mickey” Rice-Pudding is likely to become our next MEP. The most amazing bit is that Mickey didn’t know he was even standing as a candidate. I texted him to ask how he thinks he got onto the ballot paper and he can only think his Mum accidentally sent his Eurovision application form (along with his now-missing driving licence) to whoever runs Euro elections. I could see its an easy mistake to make, and believe Mr Rice-Pudding would be great as an MEP. Especially if he, along with all the other MEPs, doesn’t have to go to Brussels at all and will be paid vast sums of tax payers money to do precisely nothing. Except perhaps go back to busking. I’m told that the Brexit party languishes far behind Mickey in second place and no one is admitting to vote for the tories, Lib Dems or the communists (Labour). Good luck Mr Rice-Puddin, this country needs you. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Eurot Election Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette
Shocking Eurovision news just in… I wonder how many of us watched in horror last night as local singing legend Michael “Mickey” Rice-Pudding was robbed of a deserved win at the international TV show of shows? His song, singing and shuffling around on stage were so much better than the other acts at the glamorous Israel hosted event. As a whole the Eurovision show was at the top of its game last night, but the voting is so unfair (and probably rigged?), I mean the UK couldn’t even vote for Mickey! Where’s the fairness in that? He should have least got a podium position, or been in the top 50! In a series of drunken tweets in the early hours Mr Rice-Pudding was ranting about how Brexit, and in particular Donald Trump, Theresa May, Nigel Corbyn and Jeremy Farrage, had sunk his chances as people voted for all the other acts in protest. Mr Rice-Pudding, who’s day job is collecting all the trolleys in the Sainsco carpark, did say he’d enjoyed his 5 minutes of fame, had got a nice tan in Israel and was off to get truly hammered with lats years winner Conchitta and host Graham Norton. I have to send congratulations to Mickey for not getting stage-invaded like we did last year (lets be thankful for small mercies). Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Eurotrash Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette
Royal Birthday news just in… Congratulations to the Duke & Duchess of Essex on the birth of their fist born son. The 12lb baby son was born whilst the couple were holidaying near to Beckworth at the Slocombe “Randy Bulls” static caravan park, and in a snub to tradition the boy wasn’t born in hospital. The young boy Prince was given birth to very early this morning and is the 7th, or 8th, heir to the throne. Although his name is as yet unknown it is likely to follow Royal tradition and be named after the next Royal male likely to decease, so the hot bet is Philip. But could be Charles.
It makes me think we’re lucky the Royals aren’t Native American, as they name babies after the first thing the parents see after giving birth. The Royal couple are said to have had a view of the Power Station and Sewage Works from their caravan window! Let’s be thankful for small mercies!!!
I’m told both Grandmothers assisted at the birth (hot water, towels, Spotify playlist, etc), with Princess Meghan’s mother, Angela, taking a break from her hectic schedule and flying in from Germany where she is President. Or Prime Minister.
A spokesperson for Randy Bulls said they are thrilled to be hosting the couple, and although the booking was for two they won’t be charging for the baby. Which is very generous. They went on to say it will put the caravan park on the map and they’ve already had holiday enquiries from as far away as Hull. Which is great news as the place needs all the bookings it can get, as its looking very run down and sad.
Congratulations to the happy couple who can now continue to enjoy their caravanning holiday. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Royal Baby Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette
Spring Solstice news just in… Today, or tomorrow if you go by some sources, is officially the start of Spring (so we can at last look forward to long warm evenings drinking Pimms whilst reading great literature such as 50 Shades Of Grey in a hammock)… But before then I’ve local goings on to report… despite there being a frost this morning (so much for the arrival of warm weather!) a few of our local druids, warlocks, witches and drunks put on an admirable display of nudity and fornication at sunrise this morning… As is traditional on the solstice they congregate at the ancient Hammerite standing stones and do their “thing”, whatever that may be. You won’t catch me going there in the dark with a torch to see vulgar hippy folk singing to get the sun to rise… I can guess what they get up to and I’m certainly no fan of dogging (not since I accidentally fell asleep one evening in a local carpark after puppy-training). And I’m told they’ll be doing it all over again in June, so if you really want to torture yourself as “its culturally important” you can watch old bearded blokes and women displaying their (not so) private parts whilst stumbling around the stones mumbling in the summer. I’m only reporting it as its a quiet day in the world of news, apart from bloody Brexit, so i’m glad a bunch of misfits and vagrants celebrated spring and saved me from redundancy. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Pagan Worship Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette