Breaking healthy fast-food news just in… Local kebab house Knossos Kebabs has shown it has its meaty fingers on the pulse after its savvy owner Khristos Knossos contacted the Royal Family to offer free kebabs to any wayward Prince, Princess, Duke, etc who mentioned his restaurant in a frankly flaky alibi. Khris told me, as he was filling the fridge with fake cola, that he was even happy to falsify old CCTV footage if it meant his kebabs got mentioned in the press… He added “Why should Pizza Express get all the attention when the humble kebab is far more appropriate for the Royal offspring of Prince Phillip.” I heartily agree, so let’s hope we see more members of the House of Windsor staying on the straight & narrow by visiting kebab shops when they fall out of night clubs in the early hours. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Handy Andy Reporter. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

(Below) Leader of the Royal family, Prince Philip, reaches for an imaginary kebab earlier today