Hello. I’ve just had some very exciting breaking news regarding Fern Britton‘s escaped band of brothers, The Jackson Two (the lamas are named after music’s Jackson brothers). As no-one has seen the on-the-run lamas for a few days ex-army commando Ross Kemp and his SAS trained TV brother Phil Mitchell have taken matters into their own hands and borrowed a tank to go lama hunting in the countryside. “If anyone is going to find our convict lamas it is the brave Kemp Brothers,” says Doris Palmer (Fern’s in-house lama namer), “and isn’t it ironic that in the end it will be two brothers against two brothers.” So who will win the battle of 2 men and a tank versus 2 very dangerous lamas? Watch this space. I’ll be keeping tabs on the situation via text messages from Ross (and please don’t accost Mrs Britton about the unfolding situation, as she will be in the pub today nursing a migraine). Christine. Chief Crime Reporter at The Beckworth Guardian and neighbourhood watch coordinator