Bringing you the (almost) everyday comings and goings of the residents of Beckworth, a typical English market town. Informing you about their lives through the mediums of words, images, an interactive map and stereophonic sound recordings
Hello. I promised to keep you posted about the darmatic lama drama, and so am relaying this breaking news. Brothers Ross Kemp and Phil Mitchell have used their army tank to take out one of their quarry, the infamous gang leader Jermaine Jackson. As feared the two runaway lama’s were holed up in Beckworth Hall’s boat shed, and so hardmen Ross and Phil, without thought for their own personal safety and as war raged all around them, fired a volley of high-velocity blank shells at the shed, as a warning. The heroic duo then bravely drove their tank to the shed door and peered in. They were buoyed by the site of one lama lying down, apparently having fainted. Sensibly they waited outside until Doris Palmer (Fern’s in-house lama inspector) arrived to make a formal identification of Jermaine. They had to wait a while because poor old Doris, following on a tractor, had tearfully broken down. Her fuel pipe had got clogged-up and she gets hayfever. But Mrs Palmer soon forgot her troubles when she found the lama was in fact dead, on top of which says she’s 50% sure it’s Jermaine (pictured resting in peace).
Which as gorgeous Mr Kemp texted me, means that his nemesis Michael Jackson the lama is still MIA (Missing In Action). Ross has vowed to fight another day, but has promised to return the tank this afternoon as he has a hot date with local celeb, and actress, Sharon off Eastenders. So for now Public Enemy Number One, Fern Britton’s Jackson One, is free to spread his filthy propaganda and diseases. Please keep your eyes peeled for the dangerous young lama and don’t forget, under no circumstances bother a very worried Mrs Britton, as she has a TV career to rebuild. Christine. Chief Crime Reporter at The Beckworth Guardian and neighbourhood watch coordinator
Hello. It’s about day 20 or so in this gripping lama drama that has gripped the residents of Beckworth, and the world beyond. To recap for those who have been away on holiday, or in hospital, a few weeks ago 3 dangerous lamas escaped from Fern Britton‘s lama farm, one was captured by plucky hero Ross Kemp and now the other two are on the run. Ross and his handsome TV brother Phil Mitchell have borrowed an army tank but shunned wearing protective body armour (as it makes them too large to fit in the tank). They are now in hot pursuit of the lamas, who have regrouped and haven’t been seen for a while. Tirelessly the brothers Kemp have been driving through the countryside leaving no stone, or in some cases whole buildings, unturned. Mr Kemp has been keeping me in the loop by texting lurid messages and pics of their exploits, which included accidentally running over some grazing cattle, and thinks at last they have spotted the two runaway camelids sheltering in Beckworth Hall’s boat shed. I am awaiting a texted update as he is about to fire at the shed to scare the beasts. I’ll let you know what happens, but he has asked me to observe radio silence until this disquieting time is over (so i’ve just switched off Ken Bruce on Radio 2). Doris Palmer (Fern’s in-house tractor driver) is following the tank on a tractor ready to help with this hopeful lama capture. Most importantly, a very upset Mrs Britton has asked that no-one bothers her today as she is entertaining a group of wealthy foreign businessmen. Christine. Chief Crime Reporter at The Beckworth Guardian and neighbourhood watch coordinator
Hello. I’ve just had some very exciting breaking news regarding Fern Britton‘s escaped band of brothers, The Jackson Two (the lamas are named after music’s Jackson brothers). As no-one has seen the on-the-run lamas for a few days ex-army commando Ross Kemp and his SAS trained TV brotherPhil Mitchellhave taken matters into their own hands and borrowed a tank to go lama hunting in the countryside. “If anyone is going to findour convict lamas it is the brave Kemp Brothers,” saysDoris Palmer (Fern’s in-house lama namer), “and isn’t it ironic that in the end it will be two brothers against two brothers.” So who will win the battle of 2 men and a tank versus 2 very dangerous lamas? Watch this space. I’ll be keeping tabs on the situation via text messages from Ross (and please don’t accost Mrs Britton about the unfolding situation, as she will be in the pub today nursing a migraine). Christine. Chief Crime Reporter at The Beckworth Guardian and neighbourhood watch coordinator
Hello. I just thought I’d keep everyone informed of the latest harrowing events with regard to the sighting of Fern Britton‘s ne’re-do-well lamas up on Archer’s Hill. I’ve just come off the phone from talking to Doris Palmer (Fern’s in-house lama seeker) who, along with hunky hero Ross Kemp and his bald brother Phil Mitchell, went to the hills with a troupe of vigilantes to catch the estranged lamas. She told me, in graphic detail, that in a combined act of daring-do our three plucky heroes managed to humanely kill the unarmed animals. And she assures me it was only when identifying the two lamas that they realised there were in fact four of them, and that they were goats. As Doris said, in the heat of the moment tragedies such as friendly-fire can occur, and that her thoughts go out to the goats owners who have yet to be informed. Also, she explained that when shooting assault weapons from a safe distance, and from behind thick bushes, young lamas and goats are quite easily mistaken. Anyway, on a brighter note, Mrs Palmer has asked if anyone has a recipe for curried goat? I’ll let you know when I know more about the lamas (and please don’t worry Mrs Britton about the dead goats, or live lamas, as she is hosting a champagne and croquet garden party this afternoon). Christine. Chief Crime Reporter at The Beckworth Guardian and neighbourhood watch coordinator
Hello. We’ve just had our first unconfirmed sighting in days of Fern Britton‘s prison-break lamas. They have been spotted dug-in and taking stock up on Archer’s Hill. As I write a crack team of Lama hunters, including Doris Palmer (Fern’s in-house lama ranger), heroic have-a-go hero Ross Kemp, along with his have-a-go hero brother off TV, Phil Mitchell, are cycling to the hills to “engage with the enemy,” a heroic Ross told me over the phone. He also texted this photograph just before they went lama spotting, which was very kind.
I tried contacting Mrs Britton to keep her informed but just got her answer machine. Still it was only 10.30am and she’ll need her beauty sleep after her very loud Eurovision party kept the whole town awake last night. Anyway, with any luck this desperate situation will be over by the time I settle down to watch Country File tonight. Christine. Chief Crime Reporter at The Beckworth Guardian and neighbourhood watch coordinator
Hello. Just to let you know that we’ve still not seen anything of Fern Britton‘s fleeing lamas, but as they say no news is good news (unless like me you work for a newspaper). Anyway, talking of good news, Doris Palmer (Fern Britton‘s in-house lama tracker) has commissioned model-maker, mathematician and local celeb, Johnny Ball to make a diorama of Beckworth, from matchsticks, to try and work out where the lamas could be hiding. With this in mind, Mr Ball has asked me to ask all Beckworth’s smokers to give him their discarded matches so he can complete the 1/12th scale model of the town and surroundings in double-quick time. His last model, of the Queen Mother (see below) took over 3 years and 220,000 matches to complete and is now on diplay in the vet’s surgery.
If you have spent matches please drop them at Johnny’s house or pass them onto me if he’s busy doing sums in his study. Also, please don’t concern Mrs Britton with matches as she’s hosting an Alcohol Awareness meeting this afternoon. Anyway, i’ll continue to keep you posted on lama news, whether we have any or not. Christine. Chief Crime Reporter at The Beckworth Guardian and neighbourhood watch coordinator
Hello, just a quick update on the all-absorbing lama drama. Yesterday I reported a potentially violent incident in the dry cleaners, which at the time looked to be caused by Fern Britton‘s jailbird lamas. Luckily for the owners of the dry cleaner the rumpus was just someone with a shotgun trying to steal the till, not our Bonnie and Clyde of the camelid underworld. Doris Palmer (Fern Britton‘s in-house lama crime expert) says it’s only a matter of time before she snares the hairy Jacksons (Jermaine & Michael)… and she’s a patient woman. Who’ll crack first I wonder? Also, at this upsetting time, a distressed Mrs Britton has asked not to be bothered by well-wishers as she is being consoled by a close friend. Anyway, i’ll be continue to keep you posted on lama news as it happens. Christine. Chief Crime Reporter at The Beckworth Guardian and neighbourhood watch coordinator
Hello, I’ve just had a text message reporting a kerfuffle in the dry cleaners. The text didn’t go into details, nor mention what species was causing the rumpus, but I’m assuming it would be beyond coincidence not to be the lamas. They could be after clean clothes to put us off their scent? Doris Palmer (Fern Britton‘s in-house authority on lamas) explained that they are masters of disguise and are cut out for life on the run, being a hardy cross breed between camels and goats. Fern was unavailable to comment as she’s at the Beckworth Hall Spa having a facial and one of those treatments where fish eat your feet. Anyway, I’ll keep you posted as the story unfolds (the lama story, not fern’s feet). Christine. Chief Crime Reporter at The Beckworth Guardian and neighbourhood watch coordinator
Hello. I just wanted to keep you up to date about this ongoing dramatic camelid situation. It’s currently a case of hide and seek concerning Fern Britton’s Jackson Three Minus One, and so far the lamas are better at hiding than we are at seeking. No one has seen the hairy twosome since Ross Kemp’s humane capture of one of the lama’s accomplaces, and we reckon the cunning convicts have fled to the hills with their tails between their legs. No doubt they are hatching plans about a return to town, but Fern’s in house lama psychologist, Doris Palmer, reckons she knows what they’ll do next and says she is ready for them. Personally I fear a hostage situation or a siege, so let me know if you see these very dangerous lamas, and i’ll keep everyone posted as things develop. Don’t bother trying to contact Mrs Britton as she is away filming Celebrity Bargain Hunt. Christine
Hello. It’s all eerily quiet on the lama drama front thanks to action hero Ross Kemp‘s heroics (this picture taken just prior to his lama “intervention” yesterday). We’ve had no reported sightings and everyone is whispering in case we hear the hairy escapees coming. I’ll keep you posted if anything happens. Christine. Chief Crime Reporter at The Beckworth Guardian and neighbourhood watch coordinator