Strong Smelling Market In Town Tomorrow

Hello all. Don’t forget that tomorrow, Sunday, the annual french Le Marche De Fromage Et Onion (Cheese And Onion Market) will be in town. It’s your once in a year opportunity to buy expensive french cheeses, breads, veg and onions directly from people who smell of garlic, swear profusely, eat amphibian’s legs for breakfast and are drunk and befuddled by mid-morning.

Once again wine won’t be offered after the many drunken altercations in recent years. Nor will we tolerate urinating in the street, not even down opened-manhole covers.

Due to a recent run of bad luck (incarceration, illness, strikes, deaths etc) the famous Emmental Fromagiers (“Cheese Soldiers”) will not, as is tradition, be parading and declaring the market open. Instead local girl Julie Walters will parade along with some girl guides and do the honours at 10am.

Weather permitting there will be events all day for the whole family, including morris dancing by The Beckworth Bothamers, donkey rides, a coconut shy, a daredevil kite display by local celebrity Noel Edmunds and of course in the afternoon the crowning of Beckworth’s Miss Garlic 2016.

Not to be missed this year the Beckworth & Crewbury Historical Re-enactors will be staging a recreation of the making of the Bayeux Tapestry. Using donated fuzzy felt.

So Bonjour to one and all, Mayor Gary Grimsby Beckworth Cheese-Soldiers

(Above) The famous battle-hardened French cheese soldiers who sadly will be absent from this year’s market

International Happiness Day

Happy Happiness Day To You All and apologies for missing it yesterday (and today). To be honest I’ve had a crap weekend so it past me by, but to make up for it I’ve hired Cornflakes The Clown to parade up and down the high street tomorrow for an hour at lunch time to put a smile on everyone’s faces. It’s lucky Cornflakes was available at short notice and allowed out of prison on day release (he’s also the only local clown I could afford to book due to council budget cuts). His parole officer says he’s not really supposed to be allowed near members of the general public unsupervised but i’ve said i’ll try to pop along to make sure he’s not up to his old tricks. Here’s hoping! Mayor G. Grimsby

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(Above) Cornflakes The Clown practicing his “happiness” face earlier today

Happy New From The Council

Happy New Year To You All. Well it’s back to work with a bump for me as we’ve had almost all of our computers stolen. In fact the only one left in the town hall is the one i’m currently using, which is an old pc we keep for emergencies. We eventually found it stashed behind the cisterns in the ladie’s loo, hence my delay in posting this message. But at least we were insured so should have brand new computers, macs hopefully, very soon. On a lighter note I trust everyone enjoyed new years eves’ council funded entertainment at the edge of the flooded sports field. The traditional burning of Old Man Beckworth to say goodbye to the old year went off without too much drama, it took a lot of petrol to ignite, but no one ended up in A&E which is a relief. This years’ effigy was made from old cereal packets and egg boxes by local handyman Duncan Bannatyne and is said to be based on a cross-dresser he met in a jungle!!! His close friend Tony Hadley made a very realistic Lego Baby Beckworth effigy that was paraded through the streets in the early hours to welcome in 2016. So thanks to both of them. My personal highlight was tucking into a kebab as the New Year fireworks went off whilst the local Scout’s brass-band covered the hits of The Arctic Monkeys and Status Quo. All the best for a healthy and prosperous 2016. Mayor G. Grimsby

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(Above) The very realistic “Baby Beckworth” effigy made by the talented Tony Hadley

Remember, Remember The 6th Of November

Hello all. Just a reminder that this year’s bonfire celebrations will be happening on Friday 6th not Thursday 5th, so we can all stay out extra late. Attractions will include a video of a bonfire and fireworks on a quite large screen (due to health and safety concerns over real fires), a torch-lit choir, vegan food stalls and an effigy of Guy Fawkes lovingly made out of recycled rubbish from the local power station. Prof Brian Cox will tell the story of the gunpowder plot from a small marquee (weather permitting) and for the under-5s the local Peppa Pig tribute band will be playing on a small open-air stage. See you all on Friday! G. Grimsby. Mayor

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(Above) The Peppa Pig Tribute Band practicing their bonfire songs earlier today

It Was An (Almost Entirely) Happy Halloween

Thank you to all residents for an almost incident free Halloween. The carefully controlled trick or treating went smoothly. There were only forty-seven arrests and as usual, due to Police zero-tolerance policy, it was the under 10s causing the problems. The police chief has stated the rioting that ensued is most likely due to sweet induced sugar rushes. On a lighter note, congratulations go to the Beckham family who won both the under-18s and adult Halloween Costume competitions. G. Grimsby. Mayor

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(Above) Thrilled Halloween costume winners, Victoria Beckham and very tall son Romeo, photographed whilst out trick or treating last night

Chip Shop’s Epic Fail

Hello. Once again i’m duty bound to send a message of condolence to the losers of last night’s Chip Shop World Championships. Just like last year, our local chippy Chip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah crashed out of the competition televised on the Playboy channel. This time they were thrown out on a technicality, as they accidentally food-poisoned the judges (due to serving still-frozen fish). Head chef Rick Stein had tried to pull out all the stops even unveiling a world first, deep fried battered tomato soup (in a deep fried bowl), but all his chippy attempts failed to impress the vomitting judges. Marks were also lost for trying to bribe the very ill judges. Better luck next time to our local chippers. G. Grimsby. Mayor

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(Above) Rick Stein’s daughter Frankie models some cold chips earlier today

First Ever Beckworth Carnival On Tomorrow

In recognition of Beckworth’s vibrant West Indian community moving into 47 Al Green Close 50 years ago, tomorrow we will hosting the town’s very first carnival since medieval times. Think of it as a very small untrendy version of Notting Hill, without the sound systems, crowds and floats but still with plenty of fun the whole family… See you there
G. Grimsby. Mayor

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(Above) An artists impression of the inaugral Beckworth Carnival

New Sculpture Unveiled

Hello all. What a momentous morning Beckworth has had today, with the unveiling of the town’s latest piece of public art. Due to heightened security (thanks to unfortunate death-threats from riled local council-tax payers) it was a very low key event hence the publicity blackout. The 14′ high piece “A Beautiful World Basks In It’s Own Refection” was commissioned by myself to celebrate my 5 years as mayor and was sculpted in concrete by famed artist, and antique news reader, Fiona Bruce. We were very fortunate to have Bruce herself unveil it and she told the assembled crowd of three that the sculture took her almost 18 months to make. I’m sure you’ll agree it was well worth the £5.3 million we payed for it and will be wonderful addition to Beckworth sited outside the council dump. Thanks. G. Grimsby. Mayor

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(Above) The scupture “A Beautiful World Basks In It’s Own Refection”

New Football Season Kicks Off On Saturday…

Hello. Just a reminder that both our local footballl teams (the men’s Beckworth And Slocombe Academicals and the women’s Beckworth And Slocombe Laxadasicals) will be in “action” this weekend. Both teams are playing at home in their first new season matches in the Co-Operative FuneralCare League and in preparation the pitch has been drained and the molehills flattened. And after much fund-raising the supporters bench has at long-last been repainted. In orange. Good luck to both teams, let’s hope this season see’s a performance improvement for the men’s team, for the last 13 seasons they’ve had a 100% match defeat record. Thankfully we have a stronger women’s team to pin our cup hopes on and plans are afoot to put together a LGBT team this year, once we’ve thought of a snappy team name and got a non-offensive sponsor for the colourful strip i’ve designed. Good luck to all players. G. Grimsby. Mayor (and linesman)

Strike Warning

Hello. Just thought i’d let forewarn you all that the council’s IT department is due to have it’s annual strike around the 24th July. This year’s strike has been agreed with management as staff are unreasonably demanding the right to work from home on all weekday afternoons. We are a very fair employer but this demand is not really feasible as neither of the IT-ers have internet at home, although they do have Sky, paid for by the council (negotiated during last year’s strike). Also the IT duo already “work” Friday afternoons from home so they can enjoy both lunch time and happy hour in The Bear & Pumpkin pub. So, we’re hoping to go to arbitration in early August to resolve this year’s IT strike amicably and quickly. Sorry in advance for any inconvenience caused, G. Grimsby. Mayor