Happy New Year One And (Almost) All

Happy (Belated) New Year to all my Beckworth residents (but not the beggars outside Sainsco who keep hassling me for change). I am hoping this fine message finds you well rested and overjoyed to be back at work. I myself have been away for a five week fact-finding jaunt to the far east (I was inspired to go by my political rival Sadiq Khan). I humbly apologise for missing Beckworth’s New Years eve but of course due to council funding cuts there was no official celebration this year (fireworks are very expensive), so I only really missed holding sparklers outside in the rain saying “happy new year” to complete strangers. I myself saw the new year in sipping cocktails with the high and mighty of Pakistan who I’m hoping will invest in our humble town… The things I do for you! But perhaps next year, if funding permits such extravagance, we can restart the traditional death by burning of Old Man Beckworth (to say goodbye to the old year) and the “birthing” of Baby Beckworth to welcome in the new year. So may I take this opportunity to wish us all a prosperous 2018. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. Mayor

Get Into The Christmas Spirit This Saturday With Some Smoking Germans

Good evening Beckworth and happy Winter Solstice. Just a reminder that this coming Saturday Beckworth will be hosting the annual Christmas Smokers Fair in the Market Square with the a traditional Germanic ”Weihnachten” Christmas Fair lining the high street. It’s sure to be a wonderful day for smokers and smelly sausage lovers of all ages so get your towels onto the supplied sun-loungers very early.

All the events will be held outdoors, with the exception of the marijuana smokers pottery classes, pipe-rack engineering and sauerkraut construction drop-in sessions which will be held discretely in a porta-cabin in the school playground.

The fairs are your once in a year opportunity to buy flavoured tabacco, nicotene patches, lighters and those poncey electric fags alongside seasonal Christmas decorations made from fragments of the Berlin Wall, Angela Merkel fairies to top your tree, Volkswagen car parts, used lederhosen and whatever else it is our German friends sell at Christmas.

Great news for all the family; the pubs will be open from 8am Saturday and stay open until 11.30 that night to cater for the expected influx of heavy drinking teutonic smokers.

See you there, thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. Mayor

Christmas Lights The Big Switch

Good evening Beckworth. Just a reminder that tomorrow evening two members of popstar sensations The Fizz (Formerly known as The Nolans) will be switching on Beckworth’s Christmas lights. Sadly I can’t name the two members of the band who will be with us but i’m told one is an electrician, so if we have any trouble with the lights (s)he’ll sort ‘em out on the cheap. This year’s Christmas display is surely in the top thirty of the town’s best displays of the last three decades and i’m told is about a forty-three feet long give or take a few feet. If enough bulbs haven’t blown it’s bound to brighten up the high street and be a festive tourist attraction, even for those who know Father Christmas doesn’t actually exist. The more observant amongst you may notice that some of this years lights are in the baked goods as they were once used in TV’s Bake Off before it got sold to Channel 4… See you tomorrow, thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. Mayor

Remember, Remember It’s Actually The 5th Of November Tonight. Not Last Night.

Hello. Just a reminder that this year’s bonfire celebrations will be happening tonight, after Countryfile. Attractions will include a bonfire made entirely of old tyres and plastic bottles (we’re keen on recycling at the council), quite a few fireworks, a torch-lit choir, vegan food stalls and an effigy of Guy Fawkes lovingly made by local school children out of recycled sweet wrappers they collected on Halloween night. Prof Brian Cox will tell the story of the gunpowder plot from a small marquee (weather permitting) and for the under-5s once again the local Peppa Pig tribute band will be playing on a small open-air stage (some quickly tied-together crates). Yours Aashif Ackworth. Mayo

Chip Shop Championships

Hello. Just a reminder that the final of 2017′s Chip Shop World Championships will be televised on the Dave TV channel tomorrow night from 7.30. Once again i’m pleased to announce that our local chippy Chip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah have made it to the final. They’ve never won previously but head chef Rick Stein says he’s got something up his sleeve (a battered sausage?) which should clinch the title at last. Yours Aashif Ackworth. Mayor

Strike Over… At Last

Hello and welcome back. May I thank all the readers and contributors of this website for your patience and for the one postcard (of support) I received during our strike-imposed absence during the last few weeks. Thanks to many phone calls with arbitration we have bowed to the outrageous demands of the council’s IT Department and will now allow them to “work” from home all week and not do any overtime. So now we should be able to resume posting your daily posts… Yours Aashif Ackworth. Mayor

Warning: Strike Ahead

Good afternoon residents of Beckworth. I am sorry to be the bringer of not-niceness but, once again, summer brings forth murmers of anarchy and uneducated discontent. The anarchy to which I refer is the actions of the council’s very lazy labour-voting commy IT department, because once again it is due to have it’s annual strike, so the blog you’re reading may shut down for a while. The strike has been (allegedly) agreed with management and will start this Thursday morning. The husband and wife techy team are unreasonably demanding the right to work from home on all week, never work any overtime, or answer calls or emails if Game Of Thrones is on telly. Or catch up. Now we are a reasonable employer but this demand is really taking the michael, as these IT b*****ds have recently filled their home office with Game Of Thrones memorabilia hoping to open it as a museum… Although I do believe they are aiming to strike next year to have an office/shed built in their garden, fully furnished and paid by the council. The IT scum now “work” most mornings from their kitchen table before spending afternoons in The Bear & Pumpkin pub, so really are overpaid and work-shy. We’re hoping to go to arbitration as soon as possible, but personally I just want to sack the miserable lefty tossers. Sorry in advance for any hasslement caused. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. New Mayor

New Season Kicks Off Today

Hello to all our loyal supporters. Just a reminder that both our local footballl teams (the men’s Beckworth And Slocombe Academicals and the women’s Beckworth And Slocombe Laxadasicals) will be in “action” today. Both teams are playing at home in their first new season matches in the Ronseal “Does exactly what it says on the tin” League and in preparation the pitch has been completely leveled and astroturfed. Good luck to both teams, let’s hope this season see’s a performance improvement for the men’s team, for the last 15 or so seasons they’ve had a 100% match defeat record. Once again we have promising under 11′s ,LGBT and women’s teams to pin our cup hopes on as the men’s is so useless. Good luck to all players. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. Mayor (and referee)

Happy Birthday JC

Good afternoon Beckworth, I do hope you are all enjoying the wonderful weather your mayor’s office has layed on this weekend… And what better way to enjoy the sunshine than to celebrate the birthday of Beckworth’s most famous offspring known to fans simply as JC. Yes, I mean Joan Collins. And tomorrow afternoon our annual JC Whitsun Bank Holiday Birthday Parade will be starting at 1:00pm, so there’s plenty of time to come along. For the last 64 years or so Beckworth has combined it’s Whitsun Bank Holiday celebrations with Mrs Collin’s birthday in exchange for the popular actress & part-time trucker laying on most of the cheap entertainment, food and drink and donating some trucks from her haulage company for use as floats. I am hoping we will see crowds of enthusiastic spectators all along the 7 mile route; starting at Beckworth library steps and winding it’s way very slowly to Crewbury Synagogue. Plucky old bird Joan Collins (109 years old last Tuesday) will be dressing as a “large heffer” due to a sizeable sponsorship deal with a local slaughterhouse, so she should look spectacular. Once again we’d hoped to book the Red Arrow’s to perform a flypast but they say we can’t afford them and put the phone down when we inquired. Thank goodness Noel Edmunds has promised to put on a death-defying kite display around early evening and local east end bouncer, and part-time bouncer at the nursery, Ray Winstone has agreed to lead the floats and the WI marching band on a borrowed tricycle. See you all on Monday. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. New Mayor