Hello Beckworth. This is your “now i’m getting tough” leader speaking. It is with a heavy heart that, having taken Police advice I have decided to close all our parks and green spaces. Yesterday thousands of young, middle-aged and old people who should know better literally flooded the local parks, no doubt putting themselves and others at risk. Please stay home. Keep well. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. Mayor.
Only joking! April Fool… Admit it I got you with that one. I just thought i’d put a smile on your lockdown weary faces… Keep well. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. Mayor.
Hello Beckworth. This is your “let’s beat the C-Virus together” leader speaking. In times of national emergency, such as the one we’re in, it is important we all help each other… Tonight at midnight or thereabouts the time zone the UK is currently are in will change, you will need to put clocks and watches back by an hour, or perhaps it’s forward… Anyway, whichever way you change it it is vitally important for the health of the nation that it is done. Tonight. And if you know anyone self-isolating who probably can’t do it for themselves why not pop around tonight and do it for them? Remember to wash your hands afterwards… Keep well. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. Mayor.
(Above) An artist’s impression of a clock being turned back. Or perhaps forward.
Hello Beckworth. This is your C-Virus free leader speaking. It is with a heavy heart that I have to announce, that as of midnight tonight all non-essential shops will close in Beckworth and surrounding towns and villages. Food retailers, off licences, chemists, carpet showrooms, banks and post offices will remain open for the time being, but if visiting any of these please consider others and keep two metres apart. The park remains open but only for jogging, no walking please as this will lead to congestion. We need to take this virus very seriously, I myself am in lockdown keeping the council running on your behalf, with only the council staff to bring me anything I require at any time. Keep home, keep well. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. Mayor.
(Above) A very well locked Beckworth shop earlier today
Hello Beckworth. This is your leader speaking. Like many of you I am currently working from home, with my council staff delivering food and meals to me… As you know we took the decision this week to postpone the Annual Mothering Sunday Donkey, Sheep and Poultry Farmer’s Market, which was due to happen today. We looked at taking the event online, using video calling, but when we tried it on Friday it proved impossible to get the animals to “perform to camera.” So now the free event will most likely be postponed until Father’s Day… We’re not sure when that is but Countryfile‘s John Craven (who will host the event) has said he’ll try and find out. I’ll keep you posted, and in the meantime if you have any home-cooked meals or alcoholic drink to deliver to me, please leave all items in my porch, ring the doorbell and run. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. New Mayor.
(Above) An artists accurate depiction of the empty market yesterday, or perhaps today
Breaking hot and steamy island based reality TV news literally just in… If you’ve been watching Love Island like me you will know that local celebrity and Kajagoogo tribute act Jack Agoogoo has been acting like a randy bull and has been warned daily for sexually inappropriate behaviour. Though as the programme is totally about inappropriate sexual behaviour it’s hard to see why he got singled out… at least he could string a sentence together when briefly sober… Anyway, his sister Nelly has just texted me to say he’s being flown home after he broke into a local off licence… The island will be a poorer place without him, and the programme even more vacuous. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Reality TV Reporter. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette
Happy New Year to all Beckworthians. I hope this message finds you well rested and ready to work extra hard this year (and decade). I myself have been away for my annual two week jaunt to the magical and hot far east and so once again missed out on Beckworth’s New Years’ eve (council funded) entertainment on the rain sodden sports field. I have been told by many of my staff that all went smoothly… The traditional death by burning of Old Man Beckworth (to say goodbye to 2019) eventually happened thanks to the last minute purchase of petrol from the 24 hour garage and the “birthing” of Baby Beckworth was a great success to welcome in 2020. Once again due to council cut backs there was no breathtaking pyrotechnic display this year, but the money saved is better spent going towards good causes such as having a new large TV and Alexa in the Mayoral office. Also worth a mention is that this year the Annual Beckworth Midnight Swim was well attended, with three people taking part, although one was unintentional and needed rescuing by our brave boys and girls of the fire brigade, bravo to them. So here’s to a prosperous new decade. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. New Mayor
Hello Beckworth. This is your beloved leader speaking. Just to let you know that due to unforseen circumstances we have postponed todays traditional Boxing Day Swimming Race. Some silly bugger has poured raw stinky sewage into the river, which means it can’t be swam in… until tomorrow at the earliest. Inspectors say the river should hopefully be “less brown and odorous” by then. The local water board, who’s dangerously faulty sewage works is adjacent to the River Winnet, say it’s not them and I for one believe them. The inspectors have also warned those living close to the river to take immediate action and move to the upstairs floors in case the sewage makes the river burst it’s fragile banks. Race organiser (and MP) Hilary Benn says she hopes to reschedule the race asap, but if not we’ll run it in mid-summer. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. New Mayor.
Hello Beckworth. This is your glorious leader speaking. I wanted to take this opportunity to wish almost all of you a wonderful Christmas, and to ask for you to be vigilant. Yesterday some mindless vandals vandalised my precious 2 year old BMW, removing something called a Calorific Converter, rendering the car immobile. They also left white dog poo on my gravel driveway. MAY THEY ROT THIS FESTIVE SEASON!!!! If you witnessed either event please inform the Police, we need this scum off the streets NOW. Also if you have a posh car I can borrow until mine is fixed I would be very grateful. It would need delivering to my home asap with a full tank of petrol and travel sweets in the glove-box. Thanking you most warmly, Merry Christmas. Aashif Ackworth. New Mayor.