Good afternoon residents of Beckworth. I am sorry to be the bringer of not-niceness but, once again, summer brings forth murmers of anarchy and uneducated discontent. The anarchy to which I refer is the actions of the council’s very lazy labour-voting commy IT department, because once again it is due to have it’s annual strike, so the blog you’re reading may shut down for a while. The strike has been (allegedly) agreed with management and will start this Thursday morning. The husband and wife techy team are unreasonably demanding the right to work from home on all week, never work any overtime, or answer calls or emails if Game Of Thrones is on telly. Or catch up. Now we are a reasonable employer but this demand is really taking the michael, as these IT b*****ds have recently filled their home office with Game Of Thrones memorabilia hoping to open it as a museum… Although I do believe they are aiming to strike next year to have an office/shed built in their garden, fully furnished and paid by the council. The IT scum now “work” most mornings from their kitchen table before spending afternoons in The Bear & Pumpkin pub, so really are overpaid and work-shy. We’re hoping to go to arbitration as soon as possible, but personally I just want to sack the miserable lefty tossers. Sorry in advance for any hasslement caused. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. New Mayor
Hello to all our loyal supporters. Just a reminder that both our local footballl teams (the men’s Beckworth And Slocombe Academicals and the women’s Beckworth And Slocombe Laxadasicals) will be in “action” today. Both teams are playing at home in their first new season matches in the Ronseal “Does exactly what it says on the tin” League and in preparation the pitch has been completely leveled and astroturfed. Good luck to both teams, let’s hope this season see’s a performance improvement for the men’s team, for the last 15 or so seasons they’ve had a 100% match defeat record. Once again we have promising under 11′s ,LGBT and women’s teams to pin our cup hopes on as the men’s is so useless. Good luck to all players. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. Mayor (and referee)
Good afternoon Beckworth, I do hope you are all enjoying the wonderful weather your mayor’s office has layed on this weekend… And what better way to enjoy the sunshine than to celebrate the birthday of Beckworth’s most famous offspring known to fans simply as JC. Yes, I mean Joan Collins. And tomorrow afternoon our annual JC Whitsun Bank Holiday Birthday Parade will be starting at 1:00pm, so there’s plenty of time to come along. For the last 64 years or so Beckworth has combined it’s Whitsun Bank Holiday celebrations with Mrs Collin’s birthday in exchange for the popular actress & part-time trucker laying on most of the cheap entertainment, food and drink and donating some trucks from her haulage company for use as floats. I am hoping we will see crowds of enthusiastic spectators all along the 7 mile route; starting at Beckworth library steps and winding it’s way very slowly to Crewbury Synagogue. Plucky old bird Joan Collins (109 years old last Tuesday) will be dressing as a “large heffer” due to a sizeable sponsorship deal with a local slaughterhouse, so she should look spectacular. Once again we’d hoped to book the Red Arrow’s to perform a flypast but they say we can’t afford them and put the phone down when we inquired. Thank goodness Noel Edmunds has promised to put on a death-defying kite display around early evening and local east end bouncer, and part-time bouncer at the nursery, Ray Winstone has agreed to lead the floats and the WI marching band on a borrowed tricycle. See you all on Monday. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. New Mayor
Hello Beckworth. I hope this message finds you well, it is a reminder that this bank holiday Monday (tomorrow) your adored town council will be hosting the annual Beckworth MayDay Fish Race on the fast-flowing River Winnet. If we have a sunny day it promises to be a wonderous fun morning for most of the family. But I must advise you to please remember to keep all cats and caged, fish-eating, birds indoor. We don’t want a repeat of when Robson Green‘s winning goldfish Rose was maimed by a tabby and had to be put down (luckily just after the medals were given out).
If all competitors could please bring their race-prepared fishes (You should all have been issued with your race colours and unique numbers to paint on the sides of your aquatic entry) to the Pamela Anderson Memorial Room in the library at 9:30 for the weigh-in. The race will start at 10.45 sharp from the Ginsters Bridge, and the starter this year will be local restaurant critic, and one of TV’s favourite historical-food people, Giles Coran (who has told me his favourite historical fish is fish fingers).
Please keep an eye on weather forecasts, if it is stormy the race will take place in Beckworth High School’s swimming pool. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. Mayor. Beckworth Town Council
Hello and happy Easter. Breaking not quite big enough news… This morning the local Egg Club tried again in their annual attempt to build the World’s tallest Easter egg tower on the grassy knoll between the undertakers and the public toilets. They have asked me send a big thank you to the volunteer who gave up her Easter Monday to help build the chocolate structure and to those who donated their own Easter eggs. Unfortunately they failed to break the record again, even though Beckworth’s valiant choc tower reached the giddy height of 1.1m ( about 2ft 7in), as measured by an official from Guinness, before they ran out of eggs and enthusiasm. The current world record stands at 10.79m (34ft 5in I think) so they were only a few meters (and feet) short of the target. For those interested the sp”egg“tacular record breaking tower was built last year in Cape Town, South Africa. It took over a year to build the milk and plain chocolate structure (white chocolate is considered to be candy and therefore not allowed), with a team of 143,003 builders working in shifts 24 hours a day and 1,275,505 tonnes of Easter eggs… It then lasted two minutes before completely melting. So our local Egg Club didn’t do badly given they only had a morning, a few chocolate eggs and four chocaholic builders. They’re planning to try again next year and hope Nestle‘s or Lidl will supply the eggs. I’ll keep you posted if I hear anything. Yours Christine Batley. Chief Easter Eggs-pert. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette
Bonjour Beckworth. I hope this message finds you well, it is a reminder that this Sunday, the annual french Le Marche De Fromage Et Onion (Cheese And Onion Market) will be setting out it’s stalls in town. This time of year is a golden opportunity to buy your favourite french cheeses, breads and onions directly from our garlic and snail’s legs loving cousins from across le ponde.
This year we are reinstating the sale of wine and hope this won’t result in the many drunken street brawls we have suffered in past years. Nor will we tolerate urinating and vomiting in the street, nor in people’s front gardens or through letter boxes.
We are praying that the famous Emmental Fromagiers (“Cheese Soldiers”) will be released from quarantine in time to participate in the famous Cheese parade and they hope to be led by local onion fan Robbie Williams and his gang of girl guides and scouts.
If the weather stays dry there will be all day events for the whole family, including morris dancing by The Beckworth Bothamers, donkey rides, a coconut shy, a daredevil kite display by local celebrity Noel Edmunds and of course in the afternoon the crowning of Beckworth’s Miss Garlic 2017.
Also the Beckworth & Crewbury Historical Re-enactors will be staging a recreation (using play dough) of the 12th century invention of pickled onions by the famed Lady Of Chalot.
Thanking you most warmly. Au Revoir, Aashif Ackworth. New Mayor. Beckworth Town Council
Hello Beckworth. I hope this message finds you well, it is a reminder that today at 2.15pm the town’s traditional St Patrick’s Day Parade will be setting off from the recently-redecorated (at great expense) town hall. We are hoping that about five or six Paddy Power sponsored floats will take part alongside our very own “Irish” marching band, so there will be plenty for the whole family to see. The route will this year include a stop at the newly opened Paddy Power betting-office before ending up at the playing fields, where this year’s Shamrock Queen will be crowned. The parade will then return along the same circuitous route ending up at The Blind Badger pub car park where traditional ”Irish” refreshments and entertainment are being laid on. It’s bound to be a grand craic and celebrations in the pub will probably last most of the week as they’ve got an extension on their licence. So here’s to a wonderful sober St Paddy’s day. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. New Mayor. Beckworth Town Council
And Ash Wednesday.