Hello Beckworth, or should that be “Howdy Partners”, I hope this message finds you well. I thought it best that I reminded you that this coming weekend we will be celebrating today’s US independence day. Thanks to sponsorship by Dunkin Donuts and The Trump Fellowship Of High-Earners we will be hosting a parade, followed by a rodeo on the Sainsco car park. We are expecting many visiting rodeoers and marching bands from the USA so please expect delays if you’re hoping to do your shopping on Saturday (and use buses as all parking in the town will be suspended). The parade will start at the library (at 11am) and is due to be opened and then led by President Trump’s very distant cousin Reg Trump, ex-local window cleaner and best friend of the betting office. Reg, if he’s sober, will try to lead our very own Beckworth cheerleading troupe and the scouts brass band through the packed streets of the town…
See you Saturday, Thanking you most warmly.
Aashif Ackworth. Mayor. Beckworth Town Council
Hello Beckworth, I hope this message finds you well, and you enjoyed today’s 22 hour D-Day re-enactment… I caught the last quarter hour and have to say the scouts, cubs and guides that I saw did their leader Lord Geldof proud, they were amazing playing the allied “goodies,” running up a replica beach created on the sports field (thanks to trendy local builder, Kevin McCloud, for lending us a ton of sand and gravel). I’m told the Beckworth Re-Enactors who turned up were very realistic playing the “baddies,” the Germans, but I didn’t see any my self as I think they’d gone home. If anyone has photos or videos please share them as I would quite like to see what I missed. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. Mayor. Beckworth Town Council
Hello Beckworth. I hope this message finds you well, and you are enjoying seeing the bunting your council has put up as a welcome to the Trump family to the UK. They were due stay in the caravan park just outside in Beckworth but their caravan got double booked so I hear they’re bedding down at a B&B in London… Anyway I am about to let a cat out of a bag. Yes I have a big secret to share! But you promise not to share… At 11am Mrs President Trump will open the redecorated Pamela Anderson Memorial Room in the library, and we will be renaming it the First Lady Melony Trump Room in her honour (and as a thanks for her buying the paint, turps and brushes). I’m unsure if Mr Trump will be attending as his meeting with Prime Minister May may overrun… So if you free at 11 why not come along and cheer at Melony, I’m sure she will be pleased. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. Mayor. Beckworth Town Council
Hello Beckworth. I hope this message finds you well and that you had much enjoyment at today’s annual Beckworth MayDay Fish Race, I certainly did (I bet on the winning fish!). The race was thankfully only marred by one death this year, and surprisingly it wasn’t a fish… Sadly one of the spectators was taken ill, fell into the river (he was quickly pulled out so didn’t interfere with the race) and passed away on the way to hospital… Which was a shame as I’m told they missed a nail-biting race.
With 173 fish competing the race was watched by probably over two thousand people crowding the river banks and bridges, someone even sent up a drone. But as the town has a no fly policy the army cadets promptly shot it down and got a round of applause for its efforts. Though I say promptly it did take hundreds of shots before they hit it. They need more practice I think. Still it’s the thought that counts I am supposing.
The race was a nail biting from start to finish, as it was cold I waited in the cafe to see who crossed the finish line first, and I’m told many fish battled it out. Some were even disqualified for cheating and argy-bargy. In the end it was one of our oldest contestants, a 42 year old goldfish named Monkey Boy, that took the chequered flag in an almost record time of 1 hour 29 minutes and 14 seconds… This was the fish’s thirteenth race, he has trained hard year on year by owner and trainer Lorraine Kelly who says she would have had him put down and stuffed if he hadn’t won after so many races without a podium finish. This obviously spurred the fish on, so well done all. I am already looking forward to next years race. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. Mayor. Beckworth Town Council
Hello Beckworth. I hope this message is finding you well. I have just remembered to send out this reminder that this bank holiday Monday (the day after tomorrow) your wonderful town council has found the funding to be hosting the annual Beckworth MayDay Fish Race. To be held on the fast-flowing River Winnet if we have a sunny day of sunshine, if not the race will take place in Beckworth High School’s unheated swimming pool. It will probably be a fun morning for most of the family, but I am under strict orders to paste in this message of warning: I must advise you to please remember to keep all cats and caged, fish-eating, birds indoor. As in previous years we have had some entrants eaten before the race had started.
And now a message to all competitors: Could you please be bringing your race-prepared fishes (You should all have been issued with your race colours and unique numbers to paint on the sides of your aquatic entry) to the Pamela Anderson Memorial Room in the library at 9:30 for the weigh-in. The race will start at 10.45 sharp from the Ginsters Bridge, and the starter this year will be local morning telly star, and one of TV’s favourite cat loving advertising men, Pip Schofield. He has promised he will be leaving his kitten at home and attending alone.
Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. Mayor. Beckworth Town Council
Hello Beckworth. May I wish my residents a happy St Georges Day, a time for us all to celebrate the patron Saint of Great Britain and reflect on what it means to be British, no matter of your creed, colour or choice of football team. A time to come together, wave flags and cheer at a small parade as it makes its way quickly through the crowded streets of Beckworth, led by the Scouts and Brownies marching band, followed by some floats and a full-scale paper-mache knight attacking a giant dragon. The latter, which is cleverly mounted on a bike, was made by local school children a few years ago as a topical allegory in remembrance of both World Wars (or so I’m told. It made little sense to me when I first saw it. It doesn’t even look like a dragon, more like a big cat). After the parade has ended there will be a historical re-enactment on the sports field of George killing the dragon and a cream tea will be on sale. We had hoped for a flypast of drones but permission was not granted by the aviation authority. To make it a day out for the whole family pre-school children can have St George flag face painting. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. Mayor
Hello Beckworth. May I wish most of my Beckworth residents a belated Happy New Year (but not the scroungers who continue to blight the high street with their begging, swearing and amateur “statue” impersonations). I’m hoping 2019 will be better than 2018, which was, to quote HRH The Queen, my anus horribles. It was blighted by funding cuts, personal injury and an expensive divorce… and the strike (and subsequent laying off of) the councils IT department, which is why this blog has not been as regular as we’re used to… But volunteers have volunteered to try and get this town blog back up and running. I hope hoping this message finds you well rested and thrilled to be back at work. I myself have been away for a ten week fact-finding jaunt to China, the Government there seem keen to come and buy our stock of council housing, run our local transport and fund the Police force. Fingers crossed.
May I say how sorry I am that I missed famed Beckworth’s New Years eve, but once again, due to council funding cuts there was no official celebration, so thankfully I didn’t miss much. I myself, on your behalf, saw the new year in watching an amazing firework display over Beijing… The things I do for you! But perhaps next year, if Chinese funding permits such extravagance, we can restart the traditional death by burning of Old Man Beckworth (to say goodbye to the old year) and the “birthing” of Baby Beckworth to welcome in the new year. So may I take this opportunity to wish us all a prosperous 2019. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. Mayor
Just a quick to reminder that tickets are still available for Saturday’s most-of-the-day and evening Royal Wedding bash. We’re opening at 11 – 11 to celebrate the wedding of Prince William and Meghan Markle and will be showing TV coverage of the happy event on a laptop placed on the bar. We are also hoping to show (if the WiFi doesn’t play up) the FA Cup on a tablet that can passed around the pub… We’ll be letting kids play unsupervised in the garden and car park, and there’s likely to be an ice cream van parked across the road, so parents can get completely leathered whilst singing joyous songs and shouting at the screen. Entry to the pub on Saturday will be by pre-purchased tickets only and a finger buffet including pork scratchings and peanuts will be included in the price. In the evening miming sensation (and Meghan Markle tribute act) Meghan Sparkle will be performing songs from her favourite West End musicals whilst stood next to a life-size cardboard effigy of Princess Markles’s husband to be… Tickets cost £213.45 (children £100), so join us to see the future King & Queen getting hitched whilst the footies on. Featured ale is Prince Charles’s Organic Wallop and we’ve a got a few prizes to hand out to the first ten punters dressed as Royalty through the door. So see you on Saturday. Cindy Carmarthen, Bar Manager, The Blind Badger Pub & Venue
Breaking Royal Wedding news just in… This morning rumours have been circulating that Meghan Markle’s (alleged) half brother, Mark “Marky Mark” Markle will give her away this Saturday. It has been widely reported that Ms Markle’s Dad Nigel, a TV cameraman who’s worked on Casualty and Last Of The Summer Wine, will not now be attending his daughter’s wedding due to him posing for compromising photos. Marky Mark’s mum, Margy Markle, says he is awaiting for the call asking him to stand-in as father of the bride and she’s dug out his suit and lucky t-shirt (usually worn at Mark’s many court appearances) in readiness. Marky, Ms Markle’s until very recently unknown sibling, is a well known burglar and shop-lifter in Beckworth who is quoted as saying his alleged sister’s wedding is a turning point for him. Probably. I for one will be watching the wedding of the millennium to see if unemployed Marky Mark will be walking down the aisle with his probable sister on his arm… Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Celebrity Convict Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette
Spring Solstice news just in… Today is officially the start of the Spring Solstice (that’s Spring to you and I) and thank goodness the snow had gone and the weather was not freezing as our local druids put on an admirable display of nudity and fornication at sunrise this morning… Due to a mix-up over the date I’m told there weren’t actually many druids, witches or Harry Potter fans in attendance (five at last count) at the ancient Hammerite standing stones to celebrate today. But never fear, they’ll be doing it all over again in June so you’ve not really missed out (unless you love watching old bearded blokes displaying there todgers whilst dancing around mumbling). Anyway it’s been a quiet day in the world of news, what with no drunks celebs crashing their cars today or Russian’s knocking off spies, so i’m glad a bunch of tramps celebrated spring and saved me from redundancy. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Pagan Worship Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette