Hello. Tomorrow is a very important day in the Beckworth historical calendar and for once it would be opportune if residents actually took notice. For those still living in the dark ages, or the many with their heads stuck in phones ignoring the wonderous world around them, it is Fishfinger Fire Day. And to celebrate we are asking residents to wear the frozen foodstuff in their button holes, just as was done ritually until early last century. We tried to get it re-celebrated last year but no one joined us. Shame on you! So let’s try again. For those interested it was first noted in local history books over 335 years ago: on 19th February 1578 at 4.26am Beckworth almost lost it’s centuries-old fishfinger industry. Because in those early hours an accidental fire destroyed the town’s sole manufacturer and could have almost completely flattened the town and outlaying villages, had the gentle night breeze been really strong and the flames far larger. The fishy inferno was absent-mindedly started by the baker making the tangerine-hued breadcrumbs, which are of course still the most vital ingredient today (some olden things just can’t be improved on; even by computers and horseless carriages). Anyway, the ensuing blaze could have proved tragic if it wasn’t for the actions of a hirsute young navy officer home on leave: Lieutenant Lupin BirdEye. For he noticed clouds of orange smoke and a burning cod and bread smell coming from the open door of the fishy bakery as he came back from the pub fully-blootered. Acting alone and without recourse to phone the fire-brigade he simply improvised his very own hose whereupon he heroicly extinguished the fire. In honour of him saving a tray of charred and urine-soaked fishfingers (and most importantly the recipe) he was promoted to Captain. Ever since then he had his name and picture plastered over all subsequently made fish fingers, and appeared in wonderful adverts. That was until recently when his visage fell out of favour. So it is vitally important we honour the dear captain and don’t let his story die with the flames. So please, for once, join us and wear your orange cod stick with pride. Thanks, Bill Christchurch. Beckworth Historical Society.

(Above) A 16th century portrait of the Fishfinger hero Captain Lupin Birdseye