Could You Be Pippa Middleton’s Mother?

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The Beckworth Players are looking for a lady (or man in drag) to play Pippa Middleton’s mother Vera, in their next musical production, All-Star Family Fortunes. The lady we had lined up for this starring role has unfortunately been detained at her majesties pleasure. So now the part is open to literally anyone (we’re desperate as rehearsals are well underway). Director, and local heartthrob, Ross Kemp says he is determined to find the perfect lady/man, “preferably someone hot, with nice shaved legs and a large bottom”. The musical, written by Vernon Kay himself, will be Mr Kemp’s first production so he’s praying it’s a winner and could transfer to the West End (of London, not Beckworth). Only people over 18 should apply and Ross will be personally auditioning all applicants in his flat after the pubs have shut. Good luck, Chico (producer)

Family-Fortunes Still Seeks A Star

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The Beckworth Players are still looking for a male lead, to play Vernon Kay, in their next musical production, All-Star Family Fortunes. So they will be holding another open audition, this coming Tuesday evening at 7.30. Location: The George & Ringo Room at the Town Hall, due to their rehearsal space being fumigated. It’s open to everyone who’s a male, and director (and local celeb) Ross Kemp says he is determined to find his perfect man, “someone with that special something and the ability to act, sing and dance in dangerous situations, just like me”. The musical has been written for us by local celeb, and husband of Ferne Cotton, Vernon Kay! So, to quote Mr Kemp, do you have balls of steel and a voice to melt ice-cream? If so please come along. Just to warn you, Ross wants a man for this role, so no ladies or women at this audition as he has filled all the female parts. All men must be 18 or over (or at least look it), be very muscular and have your own black tap shoes. Given the queues of would-be Dicks who wanted to star in our recent performances of Richard III, we expect to be literally overcome with testosterone, so arrive early. See you Tuesday boys, Chico (producer)

Open Auditions: Vernon Kay’s All Star Family Fortunes – The Musical

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The Beckworth Players will be holding open auditions for their next musical production, All-Star Family Fortunes, this Thursday evening at 7.30 in their rehearsal space (above Chiswicks The Fishmongers). Open to everyone, first-time director (and local celeb) Ross Kemp says he wants to find the next Will Young and Fern Cotton for this all singing, all dancing musical spectacular, which has been written for us by local celeb Vernon Kay! Are you a Will or Fern (you can actually have any name, he’s just giving them as an example of talented local people and could have easily asked for a local Justin Beiber and Lindsay Lohan). Please come along and show us what you’re made of. You must be 18 or over and have large lungs. Given the success of our last musical, Salvadore Dali, we expect to be swamped, so come early. See you Thursday, Chico (producer)