Good news just in regarding Beckworth’s rapidly aging decrepit population…. At last a new publicly-funded privately-run for profit hospice is to be built in the time. After much negotiation with town planners the old folk’s home is to be built on the site of the old toxic gas works and will use a quick building process new to the UK but pioneered in Russia (stacking up redecorated fire-damaged Portkabins). A frankly disinterested spokesperson has said in a succinct text message that “the end of life home is to be a sort of less fancy “Premier Inn” with a menu of the highest calibre… Think of it as a live-in Kebab shop for those in their twilight years.” In another text it was announced that “the home will be delightfully called The Ferns after it’s caring co-owners (and half-sisters) Fern Britten and Fern Cotton.” It’s due to open in about three and a half weeks if enough cheap, discarded portakabins can be found, but the sisters are so confident they’re already taking bookings. It sounds so good i’ve put my aged parents down for a place without seeing it! Christine Batley. Chief “Still Looking After Mother and Father” Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) An artist’s impression of the planned old folk’s home