I would like to thank all of Beckworth for voting me in to be your new Mayor. I look forward to getting the town back into shape after many years of misrule by my lazy left-wing scum of a predecessor. He was a unprincipled dishonourable man who clearly lacked the benefits of a private-education and had no moral compass. I myself come from humble beginnings, for instance my brother is just a lowly chemist, but we have been taught you must succeed at all costs. But now i’ve won the election my whole family is looking forward to me wearing the fancy robes and chain with pride and having the best office in town from which to build our power-base. I will strive to achieve as many of my electoral promises as possible but of course many will prove impossible or not worth the effort, so please be tolerant and understanding in the coming years. Please remember, as the great Mr Prime Minister Cameron said, we’re in it to win it… Or something like that.
Aashif Ackworth, your new conservative Mayor.

(Above) A very excited Aashif Ackworth wins Beckworth’s mayoral election