Hello. All hell broke loose today at the Beckworth Court Rooms during the first appearance of Mr Ned Penge, caretaker at Beckworth Town Hall and alleged thief of the priceless 12″ model of the town’s proposed Terence Nutkin Statue. All was going swimmingly and the prosecution were all over his skinny white ass, as they say in the movies. Well let’s face it, the evidence against him is pretty strong as the statue was found in his locker next to a half drunk bottle of gin and some cigarette papers, suggesting he is an alcoholic drug user looking for his next fix. He also looked very guilty stood in the dock. As I say the evidence was mounting up, quite literally, when the court produced the said statue. Unfortunately the court usher handling it (Ex-TV “Lovejoy” legend Ian McShane) had a hay-fever induced sneezing fit and dropped the expensive work of art, breaking off one of it’s arms. There was uproar from the half-packed court room and the case had to be adjourned whilst someone went to buy some glue. Poor Mr McShane looked visibly shaken and was helped to a chair by a crack team of first-aiders. This harrowing case resumes tomorrow and I will let you know how long guilty Ned the Nutkin Nabber is sent down for! Christine Batley. Chief Crime Reporter. Beckworth Guardian.

(Above) Ian McShane being attended to by trained first-aiders