Tag Archives: Ian McShane

Terry Nutkin Statue Re-Stolen

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Hello. Following yesterday’s shocking adjournment of The Nutkin Statue v Penge case (due to TV’s Ian McShane dropping the evidence) the trial has taken another unforseen twist today. This morning the prosecution went to show the court the stolen Nutkin Statue and found it had been re-stolen over night. It was last seen when Mr Shane’s fellow court usher (ex-singing sensation) Gareth Gates put it in a broom cupboard for safe keeping whilst he went to buy glue to repair the broken statue model of said Terence Nutkin. Once again the partially full courtroom erupted with shock and the case adjourned for a second time. The most likely culprit is the defendant, Mr Penge, who almost certainly stole it the first time and has been in custody ever since. I am told by a Police source he has been subjected to a humiliating strip search and although all cavities were thoroughly explored the 12″ staue has yet to be found. I will keep you informed about the case which will be reconvened when the little Terry Nutkin is found. Yours Christine Batley. Chief Crime Reporter. The Beckworth Guardian

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(Above) The broken, and now re-stolen, miniature Nutkin statue model

Uproar As Terry Nutkin Thief In Court

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Hello. All hell broke loose today at the Beckworth Court Rooms during the first appearance of Mr Ned Penge, caretaker at Beckworth Town Hall and alleged thief of the priceless 12″ model of the town’s proposed Terence Nutkin Statue. All was going swimmingly and the prosecution were all over his skinny white ass, as they say in the movies. Well let’s face it, the evidence against him is pretty strong as the statue was found in his locker next to a half drunk bottle of gin and some cigarette papers, suggesting he is an alcoholic drug user looking for his next fix. He also looked very guilty stood in the dock. As I say the evidence was mounting up, quite literally, when the court produced the said statue. Unfortunately the court usher handling it (Ex-TV “Lovejoy” legend Ian McShane) had a hay-fever induced sneezing fit and dropped the expensive work of art, breaking off one of it’s arms. There was uproar from the half-packed court room and the case had to be adjourned whilst someone went to buy some glue. Poor Mr McShane looked visibly shaken and was helped to a chair by a crack team of first-aiders. This harrowing case resumes tomorrow and I will let you know how long guilty Ned the Nutkin Nabber is sent down for! Christine Batley. Chief Crime Reporter. Beckworth Guardian.

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(Above) Ian McShane being attended to by trained first-aiders