Terry Nutkin Statue Re-Stolen

Posted on 05/07/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello. Following yesterday’s shocking adjournment of The Nutkin Statue v Penge case (due to TV’s Ian McShane dropping the evidence) the trial has taken another unforseen twist today. This morning the prosecution went to show the court the stolen Nutkin Statue and found it had been re-stolen over night. It was last seen when Mr Shane’s fellow court usher (ex-singing sensation) Gareth Gates put it in a broom cupboard for safe keeping whilst he went to buy glue to repair the broken statue model of said Terence Nutkin. Once again the partially full courtroom erupted with shock and the case adjourned for a second time. The most likely culprit is the defendant, Mr Penge, who almost certainly stole it the first time and has been in custody ever since. I am told by a Police source he has been subjected to a humiliating strip search and although all cavities were thoroughly explored the 12″ staue has yet to be found. I will keep you informed about the case which will be reconvened when the little Terry Nutkin is found. Yours Christine Batley. Chief Crime Reporter. The Beckworth Guardian

(Above) The broken, and now re-stolen, miniature Nutkin statue model

Uproar As Terry Nutkin Thief In Court

Posted on 04/07/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello. All hell broke loose today at the Beckworth Court Rooms during the first appearance of Mr Ned Penge, caretaker at Beckworth Town Hall and alleged thief of the priceless 12″ model of the town’s proposed Terence Nutkin Statue. All was going swimmingly and the prosecution were all over his skinny white ass, as they say in the movies. Well let’s face it, the evidence against him is pretty strong as the statue was found in his locker next to a half drunk bottle of gin and some cigarette papers, suggesting he is an alcoholic drug user looking for his next fix. He also looked very guilty stood in the dock. As I say the evidence was mounting up, quite literally, when the court produced the said statue. Unfortunately the court usher handling it (Ex-TV “Lovejoy” legend Ian McShane) had a hay-fever induced sneezing fit and dropped the expensive work of art, breaking off one of it’s arms. There was uproar from the half-packed court room and the case had to be adjourned whilst someone went to buy some glue. Poor Mr McShane looked visibly shaken and was helped to a chair by a crack team of first-aiders. This harrowing case resumes tomorrow and I will let you know how long guilty Ned the Nutkin Nabber is sent down for! Christine Batley. Chief Crime Reporter. Beckworth Guardian.

(Above) Ian McShane being attended to by trained first-aiders

Little Terry Nutkin Found

Posted on 12/05/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Good news from Beckworth Police. We have found the 12″ high Terence Nutkin Statue which was stolen from the Town Hall. It was found alive and well in the caretaker’s cupboard where he claims he had put it for safe keeping. The caretaker, a Mr N.Penge, is currently helping us with our enquiries whilst we see what else we can fit him up for. I reckon he’s behind the heinous crime of all these brass instruments being found all over Beckworth, though he denies it. But let’s see what the water-boarding turns up. PC R Cowgrove

(Above) Little Trence Nutkin returned home safely

Serious Theft, Small Scale

Posted on 10/05/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Blimey, it’s all go at the station today, we’ve got a crime wave going on. This crime report has just come in: Please can you all be vigilant as a plucky thief has stolen a 12″ high Terence Nutkin Statue from the Town Hall. That’s right it’s 12 inches tall not 12 foot!! Why they made such an easily purloined pocket-sized statue is beyond me? Next time Mr Mayor put it in a locked case under armed guards, or better still make it life size, that way it will be easier to spot when stolen. The statue is described as being a sort of cream colour, made of plaster and it looks a bit like the late Mr Nutkin, but of course it’s a lot smaller than him. Anyway, please keep a look out for the Action Man sized Nutkin effigy as the council ain’t too happy about having lost it. If you find it ring 999 and ask for PC R Cowgrove at Beckworth Police station, maybe the council will offer a reward for it’s safe recovery which we can share? PC R Cowgrove

(Above) Before, and after, the daring Nutkin miniature statue theft

Terry Nutkin Statue In Miniature

Posted on 09/05/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. After a very well attended public meeting the other week, regarding design proposals for the towns’ Terry Nutkin memorial statue, a very artistic statue was chosen. Created by famed artist, disc-jockey and local celeb Chris Evans, the statue will stand 10ft tall, be made of recycled brass and sit on a stone plinth (the idea of a memorial fountain having been rejected at an earlier council meeting due to worries about vagrant’s bathing). If you missed the meeting you can view a miniature of the statue (I learnt at the meeting that a little pretend statue like this is called a maquette) in the entrance hall of The Town Hall, open daily between 8.30 and 5. The real statue should take about 9 months to make so we’re hopefully looking at a March 2014 unveiling. I am confident it will become a major tourist attraction just as the Mother Teresa Memorial Bus Shelter has done.

Thanks G. Grimsby. Mayor

(Above) A detail of the chosen Nutkin statue design

Public Meeting: Proposed Terry Nutkin Statue

Posted on 30/04/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all, just a reminder that this Thursday there is a public meeting to unveil design proposals for the towns’ Terry Nutkin memorial statue. Please come and attend to help us choose the winning design. Venue: The John & Yoko Room, The Town Hall. Doors open 7.30 sharp. Refreshments and veggie nibbles will be on sale.

Thanks G. Grimsby. Mayor

(Above) One of the proposed Nutkin statue designs (by local artist Benedict Cumberbatch)

Life in Beckworth

Bringing you the (almost) everyday comings and goings of the residents of Beckworth, a typical English market town. Informing you about their lives through the mediums of words, images, an interactive map and stereophonic sound recordings

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