Tag Archives: the voice

Don’t Ever Watch The Voice Again

Posted on by
Reply

Dear all. Apologies to all those who tuned into the The Voice last Saturday to watch my cousin Jack a Googoo sing his way to win the appalling singing show. Unfortunately due to a fracas just before Jack was due on stage meant that poor Jack was ejected from the studios. Jack is accused of punching a producer, something that happens a lot at the BBC I hear, and is now banned from their reality shows. I’m thinking of starting a petition to get the awful show off the BBC, it’s a waste of tax payers money, in the meantime don’t watch it! But not to worry as every storm cloud has a silver lining; Jack has recently taken up acting and is starting to make his name as an extra. He’s already filmed a few scenes for TV; this coming Sunday he is some Russian bloke in War & Peace and in February he’ll be seen playing a violent drunk on Casualty. The director told me he was a natural. I didn’t have the heart to tell him Jack was actually p****d during filming. I believe they call it method acting. They didn’t even have to use pretend vomit because Jack was so good. And don’t despair, although talented Jack is embarking on a new career he is still available for bookings to sing Kajagoogoo songs at political demos, childrens’ parties, wakes, shop openings, etc. So give me a ring to book him before he’s whisked off to Hollywood.

Thanks Nelly Ryde (Jack’s manager, survival trainer and shelf-stacker in 99p Land)

Beckworth_War And Peace

(Above, circled in red) Jack-A-Googoo pictured with the happy cast of War & Peace

Watch The Voice This Weekend

Posted on by
Reply

Dear all. I hope you’ll all be watching The Voice this Saturday as my cousin Jack a Googoo will be back on it. It’s his second attempt at winning the frankly appalling show and he stands a very good chance of winning now that Tom Jones isn’t on it (Tom was threatened by Jack’s singing ability. And by some photos Jack had). Jack tells me he’s hoping to get on Boy George‘s team this time (He’s got some “interesting” photos of him which got him back on the show), so he’s chosen to sing Calm The Chameleon. I think the show is filmed live from 7 so make sure you tune in and vote for him to win. Let’s get Jack back on TV so he can raise his celebrity profile. And whilst Jack is on the telly his bookings to sing Kajagoogoo songs at weddings, births, deaths, divorces, etc. will cost quite a bit more… But don’t worry, give me a ring to book him and i’ll do you a tidy deal.

Thanks Nelly Ryde (Jack’s manager, survival trainer and shelf-stacker in 99p Land)

Boy George File Photos

(Above) Boy George pictured earlier today on his way to have his bikini-line waxed prior to The Voice rehearsals

Theme Park Set To Close

Posted on by
Reply

It is with a heavy heart that I have to announce that local theme park, Coffin World, is set to close this coming Friday. The burial themed attraction only opened in late 2013 but failed to attract visitors with it’s urn and casket rides and was sadly beset by financial problems from the start. It was the life’s work of undertaker fan, and cabaret singer, Tom Jones and he is said to have lost his entire pop fortune on the venture. Unless a buyer can be found for the theme park a fire sale of the rides and cremation merchandise will take place late January, just before Mr “Ex- of The Voice” Jones embarks on a world tour. Commiserations to Mr Tom, Beckworth will be less of a tourist attraction without his ambitious park, but let’s hope it can be saved. Yours sincerely, Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce

Beckworth_Coffin World

(Above) One of Coffin World’s many exhilarating rides that is bound for the scrap heap

Royal Choice On The Voice

Posted on by
Reply

Dear all, just to say that I have taken my Voice vote-rigging complaint to the watchdog, OffGen, and i’ll let you know how I get on. It looks very much as if all the votes were directed towards one singer, which would have been a fair landslide if it had been Tom Jones protoge, my cousin Jack-Agoogoo. I have had more than five emails of support and two people are joining me in not paying the licence fee. On a positive note the Palace has contacted me to say The Queen wants to book Jack to sing Kajagoogoo songs at the birth of Wills and Kate‘s first child (and they let slip the child will be called Neville, but I’m sworn to secrecy). So even Royalty recognises who should have won.

Yours Nelly Ryde. Manager Jack-AgooGoo

Wills&KateNOT

(Above) William and Kate of Wales overjoyed at the news that the Queen has booked Jack-Agoogoo to sing at the birth of their first child, Prince Neville

Dubious Choice On The Voice

Posted on by
Reply

Dear all, I imagine you are as gutted as me about tonights final of The Voice. I mean, what the h**l happened? How could a clear winner, Jack-Agoogoo, come third? He gave his all, even suffering a suspected heart attack (later diagnosed as indigestion) mid-song. That alone should have got the sympathy votes. Tom Jones is in pieces as he lost a big bet that would have seen him set up for life. I’m not alone in blaming ruddy Will.I.Am for the lack of votes, fancy saying Jack’s singing was flat. It wasn’t flat. Poor Jack’s suffered throughout the whole series by having faulty microphones. Anyway, we were so obviously robbed that we’re demanding a recount (by people not a computer). He deserved to win, he was street’s ahead of the two birds and every week he was viewers choice. So watch this space as I’m going to fight this all the way for my cousin Jack. Until this is resolved I won’t be paying my TV licence and you should do the same. That should get the BBC to recount and make the right choice of winner.

Yours Nelly Ryde. Manager Jack-AgooGoo

Andrea-Begley_wins_2597696b

(Above) Andrea Begley, allegedly winning the Voice 2013

Make The Right Choice Tonight On The Voice

Posted on by
Reply

Dear all, just a quick message as I rush off to the Voice studios for tonight’s live final. We need your votes more than ever to help Jack-Agoogoo win tonight, because in a bout of paranoia the BBC have replaced my friends and family as vote counters with a ruddy computer (which we all know can go wrong). So please plesae please vote for my cousin Jack. He deserves to win if only to get more lucrative gigs in the future.

Thansk Nelly, Jack-Agoogoo’s manager

Jackagoogoo_Backstage

(Above) Jack relaxes pre-show with host of The Voice, Holly Willoughby

Top Choice On The Voice

Posted on by
Reply

Dear all, I’d just like to say a huge thank you to all of you who voted my cousin Jack through to next week’s live final of The Voice. Your support makes all the hard work worthwhile, and don’t forget if you bring me your phone bill showing the Voice phone number on it at least 20 times, there’ll be £2 off your next bill at 99p Land (if I’m on the tills)! I also have to say a very huge thank you to my friends and family who manned the phones last night at the BBC and to my Uncle Bryan for counting up the final votes. Just to say, if last night had been the final, and not the semi’s, Jack would have romped home with over 80% of all the votes!!! Tom Jone’s is well chuffed with the results as he has a large bet on Jack winning that could pay off his mortgage and payday loan. Just a reminder that Jack is still available for bookings (of his popular Kajagoo tribute act Jack-Agoogoo), though once he wins The Voice this coming Saturday he will cost a lot more to book.

Thanks Nelly Ryde (Jack-Agoogoo’s manager and shelf-stacker in 99p Land)

Beckworth_JackAgoogoo

(Above) Jack-Agoogoo takes a fag break during rehearsals

Keep Watching The Voice

Posted on by
Reply

Dear all, please please please keep watching The Voice as my cousin Jack needs your support more than ever. Those following the gripping programme will know that a quiet word in Tom Jone’s ear before the show got Jack through the knock-out round. When his was talent was pointed out to Tom there was no contest, and the reason he sounded off-key throughout was just a problem with the microphone. Rumours of a rift in the Tom camp are very wide of the mark, in fact Jack and Tom are getting on so well that Jack will be holidaying this summer at Tom’s villa in Ibiza. Before he jets off to the sun (after hopefully winning The Voice) Jack will still be available for bookings of his popular tribute act Jack-Agoogoo. Just tell me when and where and like a fairy-godfather i’ll do the rest.

Thanks Nelly Ryde (Jack-Agoogoo’s manager and shelf-stacker in 99p Land)

Beckwort_TomJones

(Above) Tom and Jack-Agoogoo relaxing during rehearsals

Watch The Voice Again

Posted on by
Reply

the-voice-360

Dear all, I’d just like to say a big showbiz thank you to all of you who have stopped me whilst i’ve been stacking shelves at 99p Land to congratulate me on my cousin Jack’s performance on The Voice. Your encouragement makes all the hard work worthwhile, but let’s not forget, he’s not won yet! For those of you know who don’t know, he has been chosen to be in Tom Jone’s team, which suits Jack very well as they are of similar age and build (Jack is hoping to cadge some clothes off Tom, and get some fake tan for me). On the days when he’s not staying with Tom, in a local Travelodge, Jack is still available for bookings of his popular (1980s rock group Kajagoo) tribute act Jack-Agoogoo. Just ask me about dates and cost and i’ll do the rest.

Thanks Nelly Ryde (Jack-Agoogoo’s manager and shelf-stacker in 99p Land)

Watch The Voice

Posted on by
Reply

kajagoogoo-209472

Dear all, just to say my cousin Jack will be on The Voice this Saturday, so please watch and phone in your votes. You may remember he was local heat runner-up on Stars In Their Eyes six years ago, when he performed as famous 1980s pop-stars Kajagoogoo. He still performs his popular tribute act Jack-Agoogoo and is available for bookings (though not on Tuesday mornings as he signs on then), just ask me and i’ll do the rest.

Thanks Nelly Ryde (Jack-Agoogoo’s manager and shelf-stacker in 99p Land)