Hello. It is with a heavy heart that I am once again putting out an appeal for the recovery of the town’s 12″ Terence Nutkin statue. The priceless plaster-of-paris model was made to visualise the full-scale statue, currently being carved out of bronze, and is said to be worth over £75. “It’s a unique little model, the only one in existence” says scuptor, and local celeb Chris Evans “I can easily knock up another, but it’ll cost the council over a grand.” Due to the nature of Nutkin’s disappearance from the Beckworth Courts Of Law I have commissioned a 21st century aid to find him. Local Police artist, and comedian, Rory Bremner has drawn an artists impression of the little Terry Nutkin and I will be leafletting the life-like image around Beckworth on my bike. Due to the seriousness of the crime the Police station will be open 24/7 for anyone keen to help with our enquiries (The station is of course closed on Saturday and Sunday and between 6pm and 9.30am on weekdays) . If you want to snitch on anyone about the crime, or have nicked it yourself, ring 999 and ask for PC R Cowgrove. I’m all over this horrific case, so rest easy it will get solved without too much bloodshed. PC R Cowgrove

(Above) A police artists impression of the missing 12″ Terence Nutkin statue