Tag Archives: Chris Evans

Local Shop Keeper Announced As New Top Gear Presenter

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Hello. I just thought i’d let you know that the BBC has announced it’s hired local shopkeeper Matt Le Blanc to join their Top Gear televisual programme as a presenter. Mr Blanc, son of chef Raymond and a “resting actor” is of course best known in Beckworth as the owner of the Plonk De Le Blanc off-licence. Like many of our shopkeepers he took a second job, in his case performing bit-parts in television comedies, to get him through the recession and keep his shop open. Mr Matt will be joining the Top Gear next month alongside local mobile-DJ and hair salon owner Chris Evans and Beckworth’s famed blind driving instructor Mr The Stig. Good look to the boys, I hope the money made from their telly programme will help keep their local businesses afloat through these difficult times. Yours sincerely Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce.

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(Above) A clearly delighted Matt Le Blanc joins his fellow Top Gear hosts, Mr Evans and the mysterious Mr Stig, earlier today

BBC Announce Inspired Money-Saving Idea

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News Just In… The BBC have just announced their latest cost-cutting plans which will enable them to save a few pounds here and there but most importantly boost Chris Evans’ wages. The most enterprising idea is to pool resources by combining some of their most successful programmes, thus halving the number of staff needed… The first channel to see these improvements will be BBC1 where daytime programming will this summer roll out some very special new series. Announced today are Pointless Doctors, Bargain In The Country, Breakfast In The Attic, and News Under The Hammer. I can’t wait to see these as i spend most of my working day watching telly… and more are due to be announced in the next week or so. Christine Batley. Chief Addicted To Day Time TV Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian. Beckworth Guardian

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(Above) The BBC’s highest paid star Mr Chris Evans appears delighted on hearing his pay rise is secure thanks to savings to made elsewhere in the corporation

Found: Usher’s Tie

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Hello. As you will have seen Beckworth is all over the papers and on the local late night news because Police (me and Rozzer my dog) are close to solving “the stag do massacre”. There is mounting evidence (three grey ties were found last weekend and another today) which points to an accidental murder most heinous. The fourth tie, as worn by the usher at a wedding, was discovered close to the boating lake early this morning. A vigilant octegenarian stumbled on it whilst removing his pants (he was illegally breaking and entering the park wanting to take an early morning skinny dip). All four ties are of a unique silver design, like the sort worn by DJs Chris Evans and Nick Grimshaw on their BBC radio shows. This neck-wear was found hanging dangerously on a life belt and points to the fact that the dead groom’s body was most likely dumped in the lake after meeting a ghastly S&M end in a strip club. We now believe everyone on the stag weekend to be implicated in the killing as we have yet to find the body, the suspects and a motive. Maybe you yourself are involved and have useful information but are to frightened to come forward? Perhaps the whole thing was your idea and you are now hiding in the woods living off leaves and wood like Bear Grylls? Was it a revenge killing because you weren’t asked to be the best man? Did you have a change of heart about killing the Groom (your best friend) but failed in your drunken attempt to save him with mouth-to-mouth? In doing so have you got a cold sore you are ashamed of people seeing? If so CID would like to hear from you. Please ring 999 and ask for PC R Cowgrove at Beckworth Police station. My dog and I will be handling this serial killing and we both hope to be in line for knighthoods when we put the perpetrators behind bars. I’ll keep you posted on developments. Yours, PC Cowgrove. Beckworth Police

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(Above) The shocking discovery made this morning by a pensioner going for a skinny dip

Little Terry Found. Again

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Hello. I am very pleased to announce that after much sterling detective work on my part the stolen miniature Terence Nutkin statue has been found alive and well just half a mile from the court room where it was stolen. After a tip off from the Antiques Roadshow’s Fiona Bruce the 12″ high sculpure was spotted for sale (at a reasonable £250) at a local “bootfair” and captured by myself with help from the riot squad. This is the second time Little Terry has been stolen and recovered, although this time the statue appears to have put on some weight and grown his hair during his ordeal, had his broken-off arm expertly reattached and had his little willy covered by a large leaf. The owner of the “boot” denies wrong-doing but has been arrested and bail denied due to the seriousness of this crime. Sculptor, and Nutkin’s creator, Chris Evans was very relieved at finding his “offspring” but said to me “Are you sure it’s the same ruddy statue?” I assured Chris by showing him the photographed evidence (below) and then closed the case, which means the trial of the first theft can now resume. PC R Cowgrove

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(Above Left) The Terence Nutkin statue before it’s recent theft and
looking relaxed (Above Right) after it’s recovery

Watch Out For Little Terence Nutkin

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Hello. It is with a heavy heart that I am once again putting out an appeal for the recovery of the town’s 12″ Terence Nutkin statue. The priceless plaster-of-paris model was made to visualise the full-scale statue, currently being carved out of bronze, and is said to be worth over £75. “It’s a unique little model, the only one in existence” says scuptor, and local celeb Chris Evans “I can easily knock up another, but it’ll cost the council over a grand.” Due to the nature of Nutkin’s disappearance from the Beckworth Courts Of Law I have commissioned a 21st century aid to find him. Local Police artist, and comedian, Rory Bremner has drawn an artists impression of the little Terry Nutkin and I will be leafletting the life-like image around Beckworth on my bike. Due to the seriousness of the crime the Police station will be open 24/7 for anyone keen to help with our enquiries (The station is of course closed on Saturday and Sunday and between 6pm and 9.30am on weekdays) . If you want to snitch on anyone about the crime, or have nicked it yourself, ring 999 and ask for PC R Cowgrove. I’m all over this horrific case, so rest easy it will get solved without too much bloodshed. PC R Cowgrove

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(Above) A police artists impression of the missing 12″ Terence Nutkin statue

Terry Nutkin Statue In Miniature

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Hello all. After a very well attended public meeting the other week, regarding design proposals for the towns’ Terry Nutkin memorial statue, a very artistic statue was chosen. Created by famed artist, disc-jockey and local celeb Chris Evans, the statue will stand 10ft tall, be made of recycled brass and sit on a stone plinth (the idea of a memorial fountain having been rejected at an earlier council meeting due to worries about vagrant’s bathing). If you missed the meeting you can view a miniature of the statue (I learnt at the meeting that a little pretend statue like this is called a maquette) in the entrance hall of The Town Hall, open daily between 8.30 and 5. The real statue should take about 9 months to make so we’re hopefully looking at a March 2014 unveiling. I am confident it will become a major tourist attraction just as the Mother Teresa Memorial Bus Shelter has done.

Thanks G. Grimsby. Mayor

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(Above) A detail of the chosen Nutkin statue design