Hello Beckworth, or should that be “Howdy Partners”, I hope this message finds you well. I thought it best that I reminded you that this coming weekend we will be celebrating today’s US independence day. Thanks to sponsorship by Dunkin Donuts and The Trump Fellowship Of High-Earners we will be hosting a parade, followed by a rodeo on the Sainsco car park. We are expecting many visiting rodeoers and marching bands from the USA so please expect delays if you’re hoping to do your shopping on Saturday (and use buses as all parking in the town will be suspended). The parade will start at the library (at 11am) and is due to be opened and then led by President Trump’s very distant cousin Reg Trump, ex-local window cleaner and best friend of the betting office. Reg, if he’s sober, will try to lead our very own Beckworth cheerleading troupe and the scouts brass band through the packed streets of the town…
See you Saturday, Thanking you most warmly.
Aashif Ackworth. Mayor. Beckworth Town Council
Hello Beckworth. I hope this message finds you well, and you are enjoying seeing the bunting your council has put up as a welcome to the Trump family to the UK. They were due stay in the caravan park just outside in Beckworth but their caravan got double booked so I hear they’re bedding down at a B&B in London… Anyway I am about to let a cat out of a bag. Yes I have a big secret to share! But you promise not to share… At 11am Mrs President Trump will open the redecorated Pamela Anderson Memorial Room in the library, and we will be renaming it the First Lady Melony Trump Room in her honour (and as a thanks for her buying the paint, turps and brushes). I’m unsure if Mr Trump will be attending as his meeting with Prime Minister May may overrun… So if you free at 11 why not come along and cheer at Melony, I’m sure she will be pleased. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. Mayor. Beckworth Town Council
Hello Beckworth. I hope this message finds you well and that you had much enjoyment at today’s annual Beckworth MayDay Fish Race, I certainly did (I bet on the winning fish!). The race was thankfully only marred by one death this year, and surprisingly it wasn’t a fish… Sadly one of the spectators was taken ill, fell into the river (he was quickly pulled out so didn’t interfere with the race) and passed away on the way to hospital… Which was a shame as I’m told they missed a nail-biting race.
With 173 fish competing the race was watched by probably over two thousand people crowding the river banks and bridges, someone even sent up a drone. But as the town has a no fly policy the army cadets promptly shot it down and got a round of applause for its efforts. Though I say promptly it did take hundreds of shots before they hit it. They need more practice I think. Still it’s the thought that counts I am supposing.
The race was a nail biting from start to finish, as it was cold I waited in the cafe to see who crossed the finish line first, and I’m told many fish battled it out. Some were even disqualified for cheating and argy-bargy. In the end it was one of our oldest contestants, a 42 year old goldfish named Monkey Boy, that took the chequered flag in an almost record time of 1 hour 29 minutes and 14 seconds… This was the fish’s thirteenth race, he has trained hard year on year by owner and trainer Lorraine Kelly who says she would have had him put down and stuffed if he hadn’t won after so many races without a podium finish. This obviously spurred the fish on, so well done all. I am already looking forward to next years race. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. Mayor. Beckworth Town Council
Hello Beckworth. I hope this message is finding you well. I have just remembered to send out this reminder that this bank holiday Monday (the day after tomorrow) your wonderful town council has found the funding to be hosting the annual Beckworth MayDay Fish Race. To be held on the fast-flowing River Winnet if we have a sunny day of sunshine, if not the race will take place in Beckworth High School’s unheated swimming pool. It will probably be a fun morning for most of the family, but I am under strict orders to paste in this message of warning: I must advise you to please remember to keep all cats and caged, fish-eating, birds indoor. As in previous years we have had some entrants eaten before the race had started.
And now a message to all competitors: Could you please be bringing your race-prepared fishes (You should all have been issued with your race colours and unique numbers to paint on the sides of your aquatic entry) to the Pamela Anderson Memorial Room in the library at 9:30 for the weigh-in. The race will start at 10.45 sharp from the Ginsters Bridge, and the starter this year will be local morning telly star, and one of TV’s favourite cat loving advertising men, Pip Schofield. He has promised he will be leaving his kitten at home and attending alone.
Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. Mayor. Beckworth Town Council
Hello Beckworth. May I wish my residents a happy St Georges Day, a time for us all to celebrate the patron Saint of Great Britain and reflect on what it means to be British, no matter of your creed, colour or choice of football team. A time to come together, wave flags and cheer at a small parade as it makes its way quickly through the crowded streets of Beckworth, led by the Scouts and Brownies marching band, followed by some floats and a full-scale paper-mache knight attacking a giant dragon. The latter, which is cleverly mounted on a bike, was made by local school children a few years ago as a topical allegory in remembrance of both World Wars (or so I’m told. It made little sense to me when I first saw it. It doesn’t even look like a dragon, more like a big cat). After the parade has ended there will be a historical re-enactment on the sports field of George killing the dragon and a cream tea will be on sale. We had hoped for a flypast of drones but permission was not granted by the aviation authority. To make it a day out for the whole family pre-school children can have St George flag face painting. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. Mayor
Hello Beckworth. May I wish most of my Beckworth residents a belated Happy New Year (but not the scroungers who continue to blight the high street with their begging, swearing and amateur “statue” impersonations). I’m hoping 2019 will be better than 2018, which was, to quote HRH The Queen, my anus horribles. It was blighted by funding cuts, personal injury and an expensive divorce… and the strike (and subsequent laying off of) the councils IT department, which is why this blog has not been as regular as we’re used to… But volunteers have volunteered to try and get this town blog back up and running. I hope hoping this message finds you well rested and thrilled to be back at work. I myself have been away for a ten week fact-finding jaunt to China, the Government there seem keen to come and buy our stock of council housing, run our local transport and fund the Police force. Fingers crossed.
May I say how sorry I am that I missed famed Beckworth’s New Years eve, but once again, due to council funding cuts there was no official celebration, so thankfully I didn’t miss much. I myself, on your behalf, saw the new year in watching an amazing firework display over Beijing… The things I do for you! But perhaps next year, if Chinese funding permits such extravagance, we can restart the traditional death by burning of Old Man Beckworth (to say goodbye to the old year) and the “birthing” of Baby Beckworth to welcome in the new year. So may I take this opportunity to wish us all a prosperous 2019. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. Mayor
Happy (Belated) New Year to all my Beckworth residents (but not the beggars outside Sainsco who keep hassling me for change). I am hoping this fine message finds you well rested and overjoyed to be back at work. I myself have been away for a five week fact-finding jaunt to the far east (I was inspired to go by my political rival Sadiq Khan). I humbly apologise for missing Beckworth’s New Years eve but of course due to council funding cuts there was no official celebration this year (fireworks are very expensive), so I only really missed holding sparklers outside in the rain saying “happy new year” to complete strangers. I myself saw the new year in sipping cocktails with the high and mighty of Pakistan who I’m hoping will invest in our humble town… The things I do for you! But perhaps next year, if funding permits such extravagance, we can restart the traditional death by burning of Old Man Beckworth (to say goodbye to the old year) and the “birthing” of Baby Beckworth to welcome in the new year. So may I take this opportunity to wish us all a prosperous 2018. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. Mayor
Good evening Beckworth and happy Winter Solstice. Just a reminder that this coming Saturday Beckworth will be hosting the annual Christmas Smokers Fair in the Market Square with the a traditional Germanic ”Weihnachten” Christmas Fair lining the high street. It’s sure to be a wonderful day for smokers and smelly sausage lovers of all ages so get your towels onto the supplied sun-loungers very early.
All the events will be held outdoors, with the exception of the marijuana smokers pottery classes, pipe-rack engineering and sauerkraut construction drop-in sessions which will be held discretely in a porta-cabin in the school playground.
The fairs are your once in a year opportunity to buy flavoured tabacco, nicotene patches, lighters and those poncey electric fags alongside seasonal Christmas decorations made from fragments of the Berlin Wall, Angela Merkel fairies to top your tree, Volkswagen car parts, used lederhosen and whatever else it is our German friends sell at Christmas.
Great news for all the family; the pubs will be open from 8am Saturday and stay open until 11.30 that night to cater for the expected influx of heavy drinking teutonic smokers.
See you there, thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. Mayor
Good evening Beckworth. Just a reminder that tomorrow evening two members of popstar sensations The Fizz (Formerly known as The Nolans) will be switching on Beckworth’s Christmas lights. Sadly I can’t name the two members of the band who will be with us but i’m told one is an electrician, so if we have any trouble with the lights (s)he’ll sort ‘em out on the cheap. This year’s Christmas display is surely in the top thirty of the town’s best displays of the last three decades and i’m told is about a forty-three feet long give or take a few feet. If enough bulbs haven’t blown it’s bound to brighten up the high street and be a festive tourist attraction, even for those who know Father Christmas doesn’t actually exist. The more observant amongst you may notice that some of this years lights are in the baked goods as they were once used in TV’s Bake Off before it got sold to Channel 4… See you tomorrow, thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. Mayor
Hello. Just a reminder that the final of 2017′s Chip Shop World Championships will be televised on the Dave TV channel tomorrow night from 7.30. Once again i’m pleased to announce that our local chippy Chip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah have made it to the final. They’ve never won previously but head chef Rick Stein says he’s got something up his sleeve (a battered sausage?) which should clinch the title at last. Yours Aashif Ackworth. Mayor