Good afternoon Beckworth, I do hope you are all enjoying the wonderful weather your mayor’s office has layed on this weekend… And what better way to enjoy the sunshine than to celebrate the birthday of Beckworth’s most famous offspring known to fans simply as JC. Yes, I mean Joan Collins. And tomorrow afternoon our annual JC Whitsun Bank Holiday Birthday Parade will be starting at 1:00pm, so there’s plenty of time to come along. For the last 64 years or so Beckworth has combined it’s Whitsun Bank Holiday celebrations with Mrs Collin’s birthday in exchange for the popular actress & part-time trucker laying on most of the cheap entertainment, food and drink and donating some trucks from her haulage company for use as floats. I am hoping we will see crowds of enthusiastic spectators all along the 7 mile route; starting at Beckworth library steps and winding it’s way very slowly to Crewbury Synagogue. Plucky old bird Joan Collins (109 years old last Tuesday) will be dressing as a “large heffer” due to a sizeable sponsorship deal with a local slaughterhouse, so she should look spectacular. Once again we’d hoped to book the Red Arrow’s to perform a flypast but they say we can’t afford them and put the phone down when we inquired. Thank goodness Noel Edmunds has promised to put on a death-defying kite display around early evening and local east end bouncer, and part-time bouncer at the nursery, Ray Winstone has agreed to lead the floats and the WI marching band on a borrowed tricycle. See you all on Monday. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. New Mayor
Hello Beckworth. I hope this message finds you well, it is a reminder that this bank holiday Monday (tomorrow) your adored town council will be hosting the annual Beckworth MayDay Fish Race on the fast-flowing River Winnet. If we have a sunny day it promises to be a wonderous fun morning for most of the family. But I must advise you to please remember to keep all cats and caged, fish-eating, birds indoor. We don’t want a repeat of when Robson Green‘s winning goldfish Rose was maimed by a tabby and had to be put down (luckily just after the medals were given out).
If all competitors could please bring their race-prepared fishes (You should all have been issued with your race colours and unique numbers to paint on the sides of your aquatic entry) to the Pamela Anderson Memorial Room in the library at 9:30 for the weigh-in. The race will start at 10.45 sharp from the Ginsters Bridge, and the starter this year will be local restaurant critic, and one of TV’s favourite historical-food people, Giles Coran (who has told me his favourite historical fish is fish fingers).
Please keep an eye on weather forecasts, if it is stormy the race will take place in Beckworth High School’s swimming pool. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. Mayor. Beckworth Town Council
Bonjour Beckworth. I hope this message finds you well, it is a reminder that this Sunday, the annual french Le Marche De Fromage Et Onion (Cheese And Onion Market) will be setting out it’s stalls in town. This time of year is a golden opportunity to buy your favourite french cheeses, breads and onions directly from our garlic and snail’s legs loving cousins from across le ponde.
This year we are reinstating the sale of wine and hope this won’t result in the many drunken street brawls we have suffered in past years. Nor will we tolerate urinating and vomiting in the street, nor in people’s front gardens or through letter boxes.
We are praying that the famous Emmental Fromagiers (“Cheese Soldiers”) will be released from quarantine in time to participate in the famous Cheese parade and they hope to be led by local onion fan Robbie Williams and his gang of girl guides and scouts.
If the weather stays dry there will be all day events for the whole family, including morris dancing by The Beckworth Bothamers, donkey rides, a coconut shy, a daredevil kite display by local celebrity Noel Edmunds and of course in the afternoon the crowning of Beckworth’s Miss Garlic 2017.
Also the Beckworth & Crewbury Historical Re-enactors will be staging a recreation (using play dough) of the 12th century invention of pickled onions by the famed Lady Of Chalot.
Thanking you most warmly. Au Revoir, Aashif Ackworth. New Mayor. Beckworth Town Council
Hello Beckworth. I hope this message finds you well, it is a reminder that today at 2.15pm the town’s traditional St Patrick’s Day Parade will be setting off from the recently-redecorated (at great expense) town hall. We are hoping that about five or six Paddy Power sponsored floats will take part alongside our very own “Irish” marching band, so there will be plenty for the whole family to see. The route will this year include a stop at the newly opened Paddy Power betting-office before ending up at the playing fields, where this year’s Shamrock Queen will be crowned. The parade will then return along the same circuitous route ending up at The Blind Badger pub car park where traditional ”Irish” refreshments and entertainment are being laid on. It’s bound to be a grand craic and celebrations in the pub will probably last most of the week as they’ve got an extension on their licence. So here’s to a wonderful sober St Paddy’s day. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. New Mayor. Beckworth Town Council
Happy New Year Beckworth. I hope this message finds you well rested and happy to be back at work. I myself have been away for a two weeks jaunt to the far east and so missed Beckworth’s New Years’ eve council funded entertainment on the sports field. I have been told that the traditional death by burning of Old Man Beckworth, to say goodbye to 2016, went smoothly as did the “birthing” of Baby Beckworth to welcome in 2017. Due to a lack of funding there was no pyrotechnic display this year but I think you’ll agree that the money is better spent going towards good causes such as a new Mayoral car. Also worth a mention is that this year the Annual Beckworth Midnight Swim was the best attended ever, with seven people taking part. Six of those intentionally. So here’s to a prosperous 2017. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. New Mayor
Good adventide Beckworth. This Christmas as a treat for the residents of Beckworth your enterprising local Conservative run council are offering free waste collection as the top prize in it’s annual Yuletide raffle. Tickets only cost £3 each, minimum spend £15 per household, with all the money raised going towards refitting the council offices’ canteen. As you will know this year we introduced costs for bulky, or radioactive, waste remova and so getting a free collection is agreat prize. Other prizes in the raffle are bags of grit to keep paths free of ice, lunch with me (the mayor) and a months free use of the local library. So don’t delay, the tickets are literally selling themselves! Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. New Mayor
(Above) Expert waste collection like this could be free for you and yours this Christmas
Good eventide Beckworth. Just a reminder that tomorrow evening local “rapper” and star of the X-Factor, Honey G will be switching on Beckworth’s Christmas lights. Honey, known to us here in Beckworth as veterinary surgeon and sheep-breeder Nelly Greggs, says she is a big fan of switches and is preparing a rap for the occasion. This year’s Christmas display is probably the town’s best in years (we diverted funds from the local hospice to pay for it) and if measured would probably stretch a hundred feet or so along the high street. With the street lit-up by energy saving light-bulbs in the shape of the stars of Strictly Come Dancing it will really feel like the baby Jesus and the Shepherds are almost amongst us… Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. New Mayor
(Above) Honey G busts a move in preparation of the big Christmas turn-on
Good evening Beckworth. Apologies that this year’s bonfire celebrations had to be cancelled at the last minute. This was because we couldn’t find any matches to light the bonfire or fireworks. If all goes well, and we have a lighter, the fireworks night celebrations should go ahead tomorrow. Or failing that Monday… Attractions will hopefully still include a torch-lit barbershop quartet and all lady jazz band, vegan food stalls and topical effigy of Theresa May made by the local mother and toddler group. As per usual Prof Brian Cox will retell the story of the gunpowder plot from a small marquee (weather permitting) and for the over 18s we’ve got locally brewed ales on draft. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. New Mayor
(Above) The effigy of Theresa May ready for the bonfire
Good morning Beckworth Thank you all, well almost all, for supporting the Trick Or Treat ban last night and creating a wonderful almost incident free Halloween. Most residents celebrated behind closed doors and only sixty-four arrests were made thanks to the council’s zero-tolerance policy and the Police Riot Squad patrolling in armoured cars through the night. As usual it was the under 10s causing the most problems, a police spokesperson blaming the rioting that ensued in the McDonalds drive-through most likely due to the McFlurrys running out. On a lighter note, congratulations go to the Madonna family, with Mum winning the hotly contested adult Halloween Costume competitions, and daughter Loads winning the under-18s competition. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. New Mayor
(Above) Mrs Madonna pictured in her back garden with daughter Lords, both modelling their Halloween costumes last night
Good morning Beckworth. I’m sorry to impart bad news, especially as it falls on the day of Strictly, but I have to inform all residents that I have taken Police advice and banned trick or treating once again… It is the only way of keeping Beckworth safe this Halloween and comes after yet another year on year increases of muggings by under 10s. The town’s ageing population already live in fear of clowns and now worry that Halloween night has been highjacked by far-right yummy-mummys and by Satan worshipping youth clubs. I hope the ban won’t effect your enjoyment of all-hallows eve. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. New Mayor
(Above) Terrifying scenes like this will banned this Halloween