Good afternoon Beckworth. This is a reminder from your wonderful mayor’s office that this weekend’s Joan Collins’s Birth Day Parade will be starting at 9:00am on Sunday not Monday as previously advertised (due to heavy rain being forecast for 30th May). For the last 63 years we have combined our Whitsun Bank Holiday celebrations with Mrs Collin’s birthday in exchange for the popular actress laying on most of the cheap entertainment, food and drink and donating trucks for use as floats. This year is extra special as we will also be celebrating HRH The Queens‘ 90th birthday, so the event will have a truly Royal flavour. I trust we will see crowds of enthusiastic spectators all along the 5 mile route; starting at the library steps and snaking all the way to Slocombe Aquarium. Birthday lady Joan Collins (103 years old this year) will be dressing as a “queen fish” due to a sponsorship deal with the Aquarium and in recognition of Elizabeth II’s birthday. I’m reliably informed Ms Joan will probably wear a majestic manta ray costume and be swimming in a specially built fishbowl on wheels, so that should should be spectacular. We were hoping the Red Arrow’s would perform a flypast but they claim to have been double-booked. On a positive note Noel Edmunds has promised to put on a death-defying kite display around lunch time. Local east end hardman, and recent beneficiary of a double-hip replacement, Ross Kemp will once again lead the floats and the WI marching band on his bicycle. See you all on Sunday. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. New Mayor

(Above) A clearly excited Joan Collins gets her glad-rags on for Sunday’s parade