Hello Beckworth. This is your beloved leader speaking. Just to let you know that due to unforseen circumstances we have postponed todays traditional Boxing Day Swimming Race. Some silly bugger has poured raw stinky sewage into the river, which means it can’t be swam in… until tomorrow at the earliest. Inspectors say the river should hopefully be “less brown and odorous” by then. The local water board, who’s dangerously faulty sewage works is adjacent to the River Winnet, say it’s not them and I for one believe them. The inspectors have also warned those living close to the river to take immediate action and move to the upstairs floors in case the sewage makes the river burst it’s fragile banks. Race organiser (and MP) Hilary Benn says she hopes to reschedule the race asap, but if not we’ll run it in mid-summer. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. New Mayor.