Good evening to you all. The Beckworth trade guild are delighted to announce that local entrepreneur, and ex-barrow boy made good, Sir Philip “Phil” Green got some well deserved good news in the post today. The local council have at last approved his local housing development of 85 luxury town houses, which will give jobs to a dozen or so local builders. Sir Phil has been pushing to build these “Chelsea Harbour-like” nine story concrete and steel dwellings for the last 2 years, and at last the petty-minded left-wing green-loving commy planning department has seen sense and caved in to his demands. The beautiful gated-community will be built on the picturesque and ancient one-acre of common-land (adjacent to the village pond), known locally as Sir Philip Green’s Green. Plucky Sir Phil, inventor of the green shield stamps, bought the plot from the council for £1 back in 2012 with the proviso he’d mow the grass and never build on it. But clever Lord Green opened up some loop holes so the town can get benefit from an influx of foreign investors who are unlikely to ever live in the buildings, or pay tax. Mr Phil phoned me from his luxury yacht to tell me “After all the trumped-up nonsense about BHS it’s great to get some positive news as i sail around the Med getting an all over tan… As they say every cloud has a silver lining. Or in my case untraceable offshore 24 carat gold.” Well done to Mr Phil, a hero for capitalism. Yours, Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce

(Above) The clearly unloved Sir Philip Green’s Green is to be redeveloped at long last