Hello Beckworth. This is your “now i’m getting tough” leader speaking. It is with a heavy heart that, having taken Police advice I have decided to close all our parks and green spaces. Yesterday thousands of young, middle-aged and old people who should know better literally flooded the local parks, no doubt putting themselves and others at risk. Please stay home. Keep well. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. Mayor.

(Above) An artists impression of Beckworth’s locked park gates