Dear flock. I am writing this on behalf of our dearly departed vicar (he’s not dead just off on holiday) as he asked me to apologise for having to postpone all the Easter related services, egg hunts, parties etc at the last minute… The choristers helped me hack the account as the Rev didn’t leave any passwords for me. But he did leave a hastily scrawled note pinned to the locked church doors saying that the Bishop was taking him away for a well deserved surprise rave up in Ibiza with all their chums. I’m sure his holiness will be back soon, so watch this space… Happy Easter to all, Noddy Holder (Church Warden)
Good afternoon my flock. As you know today is one of the most important dates in the church calendar and one which I personally look forward to the whole year. For today is Palm Sunday, when our Christian family celebrates the day our Lord rode into town on a stolen donkey, just before preparing his twelve disciples a scrumptious bread and fish based brunch, no doubt washed down with lots of red vino. The Bible tells us Jesus cooked it all in palm oil, which gives today it’s name and a reason to celebrate on the last Sunday before Easter. And just like Christ and his dozen or so chums today we would usually eat fried foods off the floor together, such as bacon, black-pudding and eggs, all cooked in palm oil. I say usually because today’s Sunday service is being postponed until tomorrow evening as I’ve a dreadful hangover and the clocks changing has really thrown me out today… But at least we can now look forward to having a Palm Monday Evening Service, and who knows it may catch on! So tomorrow, from 7pm, our church warden Noddy Holder will be on cooking duty but we’re relying on you my flock to provide the grub, so raid those larders and be generous. Please join us at Christ’s home tomorrow and let us fill the pews with praise, food and lots of wine. God Bless You all. Cyril Knutsford, Vicar, Beckworth St Faiths
Hello all, it’s your favourite popstar turned genius here. Yes, the Godlike Prof Brian Cox. As is usual this time of the year readers have been wasting my precious time, wanting me to answer the same scientifically tedious question, year in year out, it never changes… I’m talking about you all asking why do the clocks change. And why do it twice… I’m in a bit of rush but the succinct answer is because of those unelected rule-makers in Europe. Over a hundred years ago they decreed that our glorious United Kingdom need to be taught a lesson and given a bloody nose (it was during WW1 after all). So spies from the continent sneaked into Great Britain and started messing around with all the clocks, putting them forward by an hour or so (or it may have been back)… Because of this our poor soldiers were getting up in the middle of the night to fight the Gerrys and by day break were totally exhausted…. It took 6 months before all the clocks were put back to the right time. Our government at the time thought this was all spiffing fun seeing the working class getting up at unGodly hours that they decided to keep the clock changing going, twice a year… And now we’re so used to it that no one argues that it’s a great waste of time or question why we do it! So that’s the answer… now i’ve got to rush, I’m having a lazy Sunday lunch and drinks with one of my best celebrity pals, Declan Donnelly, who’s looking for a new workmate…. See you soon, and keep the faith. Ta ta, Prof Brian Cox.
Spring Solstice news just in… Today is officially the start of the Spring Solstice (that’s Spring to you and I) and thank goodness the snow had gone and the weather was not freezing as our local druids put on an admirable display of nudity and fornication at sunrise this morning… Due to a mix-up over the date I’m told there weren’t actually many druids, witches or Harry Potter fans in attendance (five at last count) at the ancient Hammerite standing stones to celebrate today. But never fear, they’ll be doing it all over again in June so you’ve not really missed out (unless you love watching old bearded blokes displaying there todgers whilst dancing around mumbling). Anyway it’s been a quiet day in the world of news, what with no drunks celebs crashing their cars today or Russian’s knocking off spies, so i’m glad a bunch of tramps celebrated spring and saved me from redundancy. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Pagan Worship Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette
Hey you lucky people who have Mums, Sunday is Mother’s Day and to celebrate we will be opening 11am ’til 11.15pm to serve as many of your lovely Mum’s as possible. And what Beckworth mum wouldn’t want to spend her special day with us at her favourite kebab shop, Knossos Kebabs? For one day only we’re offering large donna kebabs for £12.99 each (whilst stocks last) and we’ve laid on a star of radio, church and TV, an entertainment man that every lovely mama will love. Yes, we’ve booked local Sir Cliff Richard tribute act Richard Cliff to sing along to a CD of his hero’s hits through lunch and again at dinner time. We’ve only got 6 proper seats and 2 deckchairs in our kebab shop so most people will have to stand, but maybe you come early and not stay long. It’s a day out Mothers won’t want to miss, so bring all your mother’s and Grandmother to see Khristos. Or borrow one if yours is dead or in hospital. See you Sunday.
Khristos Knossos. Knossos Kebabs