Credited to local self-styled anarch-artist Franksy
Entrepreneur news just in… Three local business people have been inspired by the Government allowing inexperienced “start-ups” to bid for major contracts such as post-Brexit ferries. Forming a consortium down the pub the plucky (and frankly tipsy) trio have approached transport minister Chris Grayling with an offer to run the loss making East Coast Mainline. Spokesperson Abdul, who runs our local chemist, was quoted as saying “We’re perfect for the job. We’ve absolutely no experience running a rail company or any transport related business, we’ve no trains or staff but we’ve promised to be really cheap.” He went on to say “and as with all Government contracts we’ll actually fail to deliver and cost the taxpayer millions more than we said. And there’ll be no downside as we’ll get millions in subsidies..” Chris Grayling’s spokesperson declined to comment but said she’ll forward the message when her husband gets home.
Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Transport Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette
Hello Beckworth. May I wish most of my Beckworth residents a belated Happy New Year (but not the scroungers who continue to blight the high street with their begging, swearing and amateur “statue” impersonations). I’m hoping 2019 will be better than 2018, which was, to quote HRH The Queen, my anus horribles. It was blighted by funding cuts, personal injury and an expensive divorce… and the strike (and subsequent laying off of) the councils IT department, which is why this blog has not been as regular as we’re used to… But volunteers have volunteered to try and get this town blog back up and running. I hope hoping this message finds you well rested and thrilled to be back at work. I myself have been away for a ten week fact-finding jaunt to China, the Government there seem keen to come and buy our stock of council housing, run our local transport and fund the Police force. Fingers crossed.
May I say how sorry I am that I missed famed Beckworth’s New Years eve, but once again, due to council funding cuts there was no official celebration, so thankfully I didn’t miss much. I myself, on your behalf, saw the new year in watching an amazing firework display over Beijing… The things I do for you! But perhaps next year, if Chinese funding permits such extravagance, we can restart the traditional death by burning of Old Man Beckworth (to say goodbye to the old year) and the “birthing” of Baby Beckworth to welcome in the new year. So may I take this opportunity to wish us all a prosperous 2019. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. Mayor