Old Beckworthian’s Easter Bike Race

I hope you all enjoyed today’s annual cycle race meeting of Beckworth School’s alumni at the institution’s 17th century velodrome. As usual the highlight of the afternoon was The Class of 1942′s “Penny Father’s competition” and it was a nail-biting contest from start to finish despite there now only being three veterans well enough to ride their vintage high-wheeler Penny Farthing bikes. It ended with a plate-glass photo finish and a steward’s enquiry which gave the podium position to 11 times winner Rt Hon Alvin “Toffee Smuggler” Lewes MP. Don’t forget this school holiday there are track days at the velodrome for all of the school’s alumni, so come on down. Yours Sir T.T. “Wonky” Windsor. President. Beckworth School Old Boys

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(Above) Octogenarian penny farthing cycle racer Rt Hon Alvin Lewes MP being cheered on by ecstatic crowds earlier today

Easter Services This Easter

Hello my flock. May I wish you all a very happy Easter and invite you to the services we are having this weekend. We kick things off this evening at 5.45 with our traditional Maundy Thursday Service. In accordance to the Holy scriptures, and to remember the last supper, we will eat fish and chips in the pews and afterwards I will wash the feet and socks of members of the congregation. But please eat the food quickly and don’t come with dirty feet or footwear as the service mustn’t drag on and must finish by 7.15 (I need to get home to see Eastenders and Masterchef). Tomorrow at 5am we will have our Good Friday family service, including a blessing of baby chicks and lambs followed by communion with wine and Hot Cross Buns. Then, after a break to allow me to watch This Morning with my favourite host Philip “Pip” Schofield, we will be staging St Faith’s annual Multi Faith Good Friday Sports Day. Hosted by us every Easter to remember the time our Lord was crucified and then rolled away a stone to “rise again.” We celebrate the occasion with friends and foe of all faiths including the atheists, whether you believe in one God, no God or numerous all our welcome. It’s joyous that a shared love of competitive sports and the temptation of finding the half-dozen cream-eggs hidden around the church yard can bring a community together. Saturday will be a day of rest, feasting and shopping and then on Sunday we will have four Easter services, at 6.30am, 10am, 3pm and 6.15pm (and as they don’t clash with any good telly you’ve no excuse for not attending). On Monday we will have a mass at 11am with a blind-fold egg and spoon race through the grave yard afterwards. I trust we will see you at ALL of the services. Happy Easter and God Bless You All. Cyril Knutsford, Vicar, Beckworth St Faiths

Germany Prepares For Easter

(Above) Documentary evidence of the church’s difficult, yet popular, annual Easter egg hunt in full flow last year

Opening Hours Extended In June

Breaking Queen Elizabeth II news just in… To celebrate the Queen’s 90th birthday the council (with Government backing) have announced that the opening hours of our local public toilets will be extended by two hours on June 10th and 11th. Our beloved Queen has allegedly said “one is honoured that the WC’s will open earlier and stay open later” before probably adding “that giving her subjects the chance to spend longer “on the throne” is a fitting tribute to one.” Hurrah for HM. I for one will be popping down to spend a penny or two. If they clean them first that is… And get in some nice soft-toilet paper. Christine Batley. Chief “Latrine” Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

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(Above) Beckworth’s public toilet opening for more pleasurable hours in June

Please Continue To Help SLAPDASH

Dear all. may I take this opportunity to reintroduce both myself and my family’s campaign. I am Larry Sherwood-Beckham, second cousin of “peerless” footballer and pant model David Beckham, and the custodian of the Beckham family’s ancestral home, Shell House (picture below). For years the house has stood proudly betwixt the gas works and council estate but it is falling into disrepair. I have tirelessly campaigned for the last couple of years to save it for future generations (so I can charge football fans to see inside the room where young David once slept and dreampt of marine mollusks). Sadly the beautiful whitey-pink-grey dwelling is now almost derelict, mainly due to it being made entirely of porous seashells held together with mud and partly because a few years back faulty microwave blew it’s leaky seaweed roof off. I have tried to get lottery funding and even asked Sports Relief but to no avail as they are very tight-arsed. But dear Beckworth, Shell House is worth saving. It is probably of some cultural importance. This is where cousin David began his lifelong passion for aquatic crustaceans, inspiring many others along the way (I wonder how many of you have posters of David in action on a beach building crude shell sculptures or making wigs and mermaid costumes from seaweed and flotsem and jetsum?). Shell House was originally built by mine and David’s great-grandfather, the seafarer and famed conchologist “Dr” Terence “Terry” Beckham, and was our third favourite after-school destination when it was raining and we wanted to smoke fags. Great-grandfather would regale us of his adventures near the high seas gathering shells and mud to bring back to build his house, whilst “peerless” David ignored him and played keepy-ups in the kitchen. The house is also a unique architectural monument to the ancient, and now lost, skill of building homes with barnacles and wet earth. So come on, please donate handsomely to SLAPDASH (Save Larry And “Peerless” David’s Ancestral Shell House), I reckon £250,000 should do it and after two years we’re only up to £2.76. So dig deep. I’ll be leaving a labelled pot for loose change in the laundrette and public toilets, or you can give it to me in person in the pub (I’m at the bar every night) .

Cheers, Larry Sherwood-Beckham, SLAPDASH

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International Happiness Day

Happy Happiness Day To You All and apologies for missing it yesterday (and today). To be honest I’ve had a crap weekend so it past me by, but to make up for it I’ve hired Cornflakes The Clown to parade up and down the high street tomorrow for an hour at lunch time to put a smile on everyone’s faces. It’s lucky Cornflakes was available at short notice and allowed out of prison on day release (he’s also the only local clown I could afford to book due to council budget cuts). His parole officer says he’s not really supposed to be allowed near members of the general public unsupervised but i’ve said i’ll try to pop along to make sure he’s not up to his old tricks. Here’s hoping! Mayor G. Grimsby

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(Above) Cornflakes The Clown practicing his “happiness” face earlier today

Palm Sunday Service

Hello my flock. Tomorrow is a very important date in the church calendar so please join me at Christ’s home and let us fill the pews with praise and food smells. For the day is of course Palm Sunday (and coincidentally the Bishop’s birthday). On this wonderful Sunday we celebrate the biblical story of when our Lord rode into town astride a frail donkey and just before cooking his disciples a light lunch invented the ultra-versatile palm oil. He’d decided on a snacky, buffet lunch as the Bible tells us he had plans to host a large supper that night and didn’t want to spoil the appetites of his 12 best mates. Inventing the oil was soon recognised to be a miracle, for it changed how Christian’s cooked fried food forever and became an active ingredient in everything from toothpaste to laxatives. So the Church family has for centuries given praise for it on the last Sunday before Easter. And just like our Lord and his chums we eat biblical fried foods off the floor together, such as bacon, black-pudding and eggs, cooked in the wonderful life-enhancing oil. Tomorrow church warden Noddy Holder will be on cooking duty so bring your foods early to be cooked (and bring plenty of ketchup as we always run out). The service will start at 12.10pm to give me time to listen to the Archers omnibus and must finish by 2.15pm, as I have to rush off to the Bishop’s house as he’s hosting one of his famed debauched fancy-dress parties. So see you tomorrow clutching your foodstuffs. God Bless You all. Cyril Knutsford, Vicar, Beckworth St Faiths

Beckworth Palm Oil

(Above) Palm Oil, invented 2016 years ago in Jerusalem, or somewhere like that

Sport Relief… Not On The Sports Field

Hello all. Just to let you know that due to exploratory fracking on the sports field today’s Sport Relief events will now be taking place in the children’s section of the library. None of the sports such as high jump, hurdles, 1 mile run, tug of war etc, will be adversely effected although we would ask everyone to remove outdoor shoes at the library entrance and participate wearing slippers or ballet shoes, as we’ve just had all the shag-pile carpets shampooed. See you later. Mayor Gary Grimsby

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Goat Rolling… Still Banned

Hello all. Just to let you know that due to the ongoing judicial review Beckworth’s Springtime tradition of Goat Rolling has been cancelled again this year. We’ve now been banned by all the courts in the land and Parliament, but our final roll of the dice is by taking the case to The Court Of Human Rights. Fingers crossed they see sense and side with us so we can get back to our goats. The tradition of throwing the goat as far as is humanly possible and then rolling them down the rest of the rocky hill was due to take place as usual on Fool’s Hill on the third Saturday in March (this coming Sunday). This is only the second time in 564 years that the event hasn’t taken place. Even practicing has been temporarily outlawed, with local police issuing a warning that anyone found in possession of or just talking to a goat during March will be arrested and have their four-legged friend put down. On a slightly happier note, a compromise by the court of appeal has allowed the town to right to try Horse Rolling instead… It’s a bit more dangerous due to the animals size and weight but worth a try. So let’s give it a go… Apologies for any inconvenience caused. Mayor Gary Grimsby

Beckworth Horse Rolling

(Above) A local horse practices some rolls in preparation for this Sunday

St Patricks Day Gig Tonight

Hi to all, this is to remind you that tickets are still available for tonight’s St Patrick’s Day concert in the front bar. This year we’re lucky to have Truck Morrison & The Blarney Stones playing all night and no doubt through til morning. Recently voted the nations’ 224th favourite Van Morrison and Rolling Stones covers band (as voted for in The Daily Telegraph), the 22 piece band will be playing whilst running on the spot to raise money for tomorrow’s Sport Relief. Irelands’ favourite DJ Graham Norton will be compering the event and Michael Flatley‘s sister Maddy has promised to pop by to perform the whole of Riverdance on her own whilst the band plays. There’ll also be a St Patrick’s buffet so come down and jig along. Doors open at 6.46, and tickets cost £134.50. Tonight’s featured real ale is Shane MacGowen’s Smile, and we’ve also got a few old garden gnomes (painted to look like lovely leprechauns) for sale. So see you this evening. Cindy Carmarthen, Bar Manager, The Blind Badger Pub & Venue

Beckworth Graham Norton

(Above) Graham Norton arriving early at the pub to practice his DJ set

St Patricks Day Parade

Hello all. Just a reminder that today at 2.15pm the town’s traditional St Patrick’s Day Parade will be setting off from the town hall. We are hoping that about six floats and our very own “Irish” marching band will be taking part so there will be plenty for the whole family to see. Due to some urgent demolition work being done on the public toilets the parade will take a slight detour through the Sainsco supermarket and church yard before ending up at the playing fields where this year’s Shamrock Queen will be crowned. The parade will then return along the same circuitous route ending up at The Blind Badger pub car park where traditional ”Irish” refreshments and entertainment are being laid on. It’s bound to be a grand craic and celebrations in the pub will probably last most of the week as they’ve got an extension on their licence. So have a grand St Paddy’s day and “have an extra drink or three to toast the leprochauns” as they say in the shamrock isle. Gary “Bono” Grimsby. Mayor. Beckworth Town Council


(Above) A beautiful St Patrick’s Day Parade float in rehearsals earlier today