Hello to my Coxettes, it’s your very handsome and modest Prof Brian Cox here. This week, and last, I’ve been inundated with emails, letters and damp postcards which I’ve put off answering. But whilst I wait for my beautiful hair to dry I’ll lower myself to answer… You’ve tediously been asking the same question; “Why is the UK so damp this month? It’s completely ruining our staycation in Bognor, Hull, Isle Of Man, and I’ve packed away all my thermals.” The answer is all to do with the unseasonal weather not being ours… In fact we’ve inherited a years worth of Russia‘s unwanted grey rain clouds, which are crammed full of very wet soggy rain. It is believed the Russian military have developed a way of blowing unwanted clouds our way so they can bask in sunshine, get good tans and sell lots of sunglasses (that’s why Siberia is no longer icy cold but baking hot like Greece)… I’m told our military are desperately trying to invent something to blow the clouds back, perhaps via mainland Europe post-Brexit, with PM Boris Johnson pledging hundreds of pounds to help the inventors. Sadly, until the boffins develop such a “blower,” we’re stuck with the rain… and probably snow in September. My advice to all my fans is to dig out your warm clothes and buy new Brian Cox scarves, T-shirts, undies and umbrellas from the merchandise bit of my website… As for me I’m wealthy enough to avoid the inclement weather (that’s scientific words for wet weather) by going on a Mediteranean cruise with my close pals Harry Styles, Ferne Cotton & Sir Trevor MacDonald. I don’t want to be late for the bus to the harbour so I’ll sign off now…. See you soon, and keep the faith (by buying some of my merchandise). Ta ta, Prof Brian Cox.
Hello to my Coxettes (my dear fans), it’s your beautiful Prof Brian Cox here. I’m sorry I didn’t finish answering yesterday’s burning question “why are we having such hot days this week.” My neighbours and close friends Sir Brian May and his mum (ex-PM) Teresa May popped round with a bottle of sherry to have a natter and admire my fabulous hair and my newly whitened teeth (they were very impressed), which meant I didn’t finish giving the scientific answer… So here goes, the UK is breaking temperature records (I’m told it was probably 38.1C yesterday, which is over 120 degrees in old money) because we’re being invaded by never before seen dessert plumes (tall winds to you plebs) travelling north from places like Iran, Israel and Japan. The plumes are blowing away fluffy clouds and bringing the most sunshine and daylight that we’ve ever seen… And because the UK is just like a big island, surrounded by deep seas and oceans, it feels even hotter and is making us crave cool Pimms and ice creams, which in turn raises temperatures. This creates a vicious circle, the more we drink and Cornettos we consume the hotter it gets… Today is cooler as most shops have now sold out of both, which is vey lucky… On a positive note I’ve managed to get a great all-over tan from nude sunbathing on my garage roof. I’m now going to show it off at the pub to best pals Amanda Holden & David Walliams. I don’t want to be late so better sign off…. See you soon, and keep the faith. Ta ta, Prof Brian Cox.
Hello to all my fans, who I fancy I will now name Coxettes. Your wonderful, keeping cool and not sweating, Prof Brian Cox here. My internet mail box and spam thingy are as usual overflowing with readers daily questions, most wasting my precious time, but some have wanted me to answer the same scientifically significant question; why are we having such hot days this week. One person who will remain nameless also asked if will it rain next week as they are going on a camping holiday, but although I am a genius (more so than Steve Hawkin) I’m not a weather forecaster, so I can’t help and consider this matter closed. I can however explain why the UK is breaking the Worlds’ temperature records this year (its probably 150 degrees here in my beautiful Beckworth drawing room, even with the curtains drawn and BBC Radio 4 on!)… It’s all to do with dessert winds coming north from the Middle East via Spain & Italy bringing with it extra portions of sunshine, heat and daylight…. Hold on I’ve just got to answer the door, but will continue shortly, love you all Prof Brian Cox.
Hello all, it’s your genius Prof Brian Cox here. The line above asks “Is Today Jesus’s Birthday?” I get that out of the way straight away as I can answer it very quickly, whilst I comb my beautiful hair, and the answer is… No, of course its not! His birthday is at Easter, so you’ve missed it. To discover the reason our American friends celebrate 4th July we have to go back about 500 years in history to the Middle Ages (sometimes known as the Dark Ages as it was before Edison had invented light bulbs… or lighthouses). In those days terrible Tory landowners had inflicted heavy taxes on the poor here in England, so many poor folk emigrated as stowaways to the USA (that’s poor as in they had no money… not they were unlucky). Many of the very first US settlers were originally from Beckworth, such as Donald Trump‘s turnip picking ancestors Vince and Mary Trump. In fact “fact fans” the name Trump is in fact Turnip wrongly spelt when they landed in America! Anyway I digress… like many of their fellow Beckworth stowaways they settled within spitting distance of New York‘s famous Statue Of Liberty and named their new village New Beckworth, with whom we were once twinned until we fell out with them last year. Anyway, July 4th was chosen as a day to celebrate arriving in the USA as it was almost exactly half way through the year and the day when the first pub opened in New Beckworth. So that’s the answer, and remember who told you first… I’ve got to rush off now, I’m having a cream tea and drinks with my most special new friends HRH Princess Meghan and Prince Harry pals, and don’t want to be late…. See you soon, and keep the faith. Ta ta, Prof Brian Cox.
Hello all, Brian here, I actually answered this in full 6 or 7 years ago on this very website… So apologies if I ask you to a search for it whist I use my immense knowledge of the universe to make more television programmes whilst showing off my beautiful hair and getting more female fans…
Suffice to say that the universe is in perfect balance, so for every shortest day there must be a longest day… usually about 6 months apart due to the cycle of the sun. Or the moon. The longest day is most memorable in the UK because here it means almost 24 hours of sunshine in one day… unless its raining or is cloudy. Which means a lot of people will today go to the beach to get a tan or to ancient stone circles to dance naked.
Anyway, that’s me done, so if you don’t mind I’m going to get on my unicycle to a posh restaurant to have a “£5 eat as much as you can” lunch with my old school chums Will and Kirtsy Young to reminisce about teachers we fancied (and who of course fancied me) and blowing up the science lab. Thanks, Prof Brian Cox.
Hello all, it’s your favourite popstar turned genius here. Yes, the Godlike Prof Brian Cox. As is usual this time of the year readers have been wasting my precious time, wanting me to answer the same scientifically tedious question, year in year out, it never changes… I’m talking about you all asking why do the clocks change. And why do it twice… I’m in a bit of rush but the succinct answer is because of those unelected rule-makers in Europe. Over a hundred years ago they decreed that our glorious United Kingdom need to be taught a lesson and given a bloody nose (it was during WW1 after all). So spies from the continent sneaked into Great Britain and started messing around with all the clocks, putting them forward by an hour or so (or it may have been back)… Because of this our poor soldiers were getting up in the middle of the night to fight the Gerrys and by day break were totally exhausted…. It took 6 months before all the clocks were put back to the right time. Our government at the time thought this was all spiffing fun seeing the working class getting up at unGodly hours that they decided to keep the clock changing going, twice a year… And now we’re so used to it that no one argues that it’s a great waste of time or question why we do it! So that’s the answer… now i’ve got to rush, I’m having a lazy Sunday lunch and drinks with one of my best celebrity pals, Declan Donnelly, who’s looking for a new workmate…. See you soon, and keep the faith. Ta ta, Prof Brian Cox.
Hello all, your wonderful, Godlike, Prof Brian Cox here. As per usual readers have been wasting my precious time, wanting me to answer the same scientifically tedious questions, year in year out… I’m talking about why twice a year you ask why do the clocks change. So once again i’m just going to say “read my previous blogs on the matter”… Why not ask me something challenging, and timely to fit in with Red Nose Day like “my dog has no nose, so how does he smell?” or about horses ask “why do they have long faces?” Talking of Red Nose Day I think you should start a petition to have me present it, as my hair always looks great and lifts any occasion, and am just as funny as Jonathan Ross. Anyway i’ve got to rush, I’m having Sunday brunch and drinks with my good celebrity pal Joey Essex…. See you soon, so keep the faith. Ta ta, Prof Brian Cox.
Hello all, your beloved Prof Brian Cox here. As per usual you lot are asking me to waste my precious time answering the same scientifically tedious questions, year in year out. I’m talking about why twice a year you ask why do the clocks change. If I had a fiver for all the times i’ve told you the answer i’d have enough to buy a CD of the Best of (my old band) Tears For Fears. So this year i’m just going to say read my previous blogs on the matter… Why not ask me something deep like “why is the air see-through” or “what is the best way to keep one’s hair looking immaculate?” In the mean time i’m going to enjoy an extra hour in bed before having Sunday lunch round at the “palace” of my good celebrity pals Charles and Camilla…. No doubt i’ll be back answering your insipid queries soon, so keep the faith. Ta ta, Prof Brian Cox.
(Above) A Tears For Fears Best of available from all good petrol stations
Hello all, Prof Brian Cox here. Once again, and I do mean again, I am using my brain that that’s the size of a planet to answer your repeatedly tedious questions. I’m a patient, yet extremely busy, celebrity doctor with gorgeous hair aiming to improve your humdrum lives, but please stop trying to elicit the same b****y information from me. At this time of year I can be certain that some k**b will ask me why do leaves go brown, is it time to put the central heating on or why do the clocks change? I got asked the latter just yesterday by one of my foreign celebrity fans, Xi Jinping, the King of China who I met at a boring function in London. On being introduced to me he failed to bow or even mention how great my hair looked, which put me in a bad mood. Then, to add insult to injury, he got me to sign an Ultravox 12″ single. Even though I’d said I was in Tears For Fears. Anyway, I told him in no uncertain terms, as i’m telling you, please make the effort to read my fact filled blog entry (on this site) about the b****y clocks changing, as I only wrote it two years ago. It’s all there and i’m in no mood to repeat myself. ‘Nuff said. The king looked a bit crest-fallen when I had to rush off and leave him, but I had an important engagement to play croquet with my new best friends The Duke & Duchess of Cambridge and David Cameron. No doubt i’ll be back answering your insipid queries soon, so keep the faith. Ta ta, Prof Brian Cox.
(Above) The King of China tries to tell a disgruntled Dr Cox a funny story about a large fish he’d once caught
Hello to all my devoted followers and apologies for the inordinant gap between my blogs. As you know tending to my beautiful hair, playing in my band Tears For Fears and steering my successful TV career take presidence over everything else. But now i’m back. And once again answering your difficult questions… Today, the first day of Autumn, I have been inundated with three emails asking: “Gorgeous Professor Brian can you answer the conundrum “Why Do we Have Autumn? And how does your hair always look so vibrant?”” I’ll keep the answer brief as the former is more historical than scientific, and the latter a secret i’ll take to the grave. As i’m very, very inteligent I’ve managed to research this Autumnal diemna whilst sat in make-up getting lovingly touched up by a fawning young man (I’m about to appear, and no doubt win, an episode of Pointless this afternoon)…
Autumn was invented many moons ago by the ancient Greeks as a way of describing the in-between weeks and months betwixt the heat of summer and the wintry cold of winter. After much research the clever Greek philosopher Barius Autumnus noticed that the climate changed gradually from September through to Christmas and the nights grew mysteriously longer, as if the sun was getting p****d off. He also noticed the leaves falling off trees (as did conkers but that’s another story) and that around this time people started wearing coats and scarfs. And warm vests. He declared that the ancient world should rejoice and embrace a new season. One in which farmers could bring in the harvest and the rains could fall almost daily. An additional ninety-two days to join the 250+ days already stationed within the traditional three seasons. At first Barius thought of calling it Second Spring. Or Late Summer Time. But these didn’t catch on. Then his pushy wife persuaded him that giving this fourth season his family surname, Autumnus, would give them greater social status. This would be fortunate as near neighbours, the Summerius family, thought themselves superior due to their Great Great Great Grandmother having invented summer. So Autumnus, or autumn as we now know it, came into being. As 21st September was Mrs Autumnus’s birthday it was chosen by Barius as the day the season would always start, which made a nice present for his wife. And that as they say “Is history”.
Right, now that my mascara and lipstick have been applied and my hair has been teased and volumised, I’m rushing off to meet my close friends from Pointless in the TV studio bar for a livener or three before we record the show. Thanks, Prof Brian Cox.