Wishing You A Happy New Year. And An Apology

Dear flock. I just wanted to wish you all a wonderful New Year, let’s pray that 2017 will be far better than 2016 and that we don’t have to wait too long for another series of Poldark (with lots more shots of that scrummy lead actor getting sweaty with his shirt off). I also wanted to pre-warn you that tomorrow mornings mass will be starting a couple of hours late (at around 11.30) as I’ll be needing a lie in due to most likely still being a teensy-weensy bit tipsy. I will be seeing the new year in at the Bishop’s party tonight and they can be a riotous affair at the best of times, so let’s hope I actually make it home in one piece! See you all tomorrow.

May your God be with you, Cyril Knutsford. Vicar. Beckworth St Faiths

Tickets On Sale Now For Hootananny

This joyful message is to remind you lucky people of Beckworth that tickets are still available for tomorrow night’s New Years’ Eve Hootananny bash. And as it is becoming a local tradition (and as they are the only cheap act not booked to play anywhere else on New Years’ Eve) Jesus’s favourite folk trio The Faith Tones will be performing… The God-bothering “all-female” trio, will be playing tracks from their reissued bargain-bin Christmas LP 21 Songs for Jesus’s Birthday. Doors open at 6.30, and tickets cost £65.50 which includes an all-you-can-carry-on-a-tiny-plate “finger” buffet. So join us and see the new year in with some gender-challenging religious lady singers and get lathered on the over-ordered real ale left over from last new year’s eve. Last year’s featured ale was Worzel’s Rusty Nail and we’ve a got a few old Christmas crackers to hand out to the first ten punters in “fancy dress” through the door. So see you tomorrow, or whenever News Year Eve actually is. Cindy Carmarthen, Bar Manager, The Blind Badger Pub & Venue

Beckworth_Faith Tones

Winter Solstace Celebrated A Day Late

Solstace news just in… Many local fans of dogging and public shows of nudity were disappointed yesterday when there was a no-show of pagan worshipers at the ancient Hammerite standing stones. Crowds of lusting onlookers had arrived early with torches to see the sun rise over the stones and catch glimpses of naughty bits as groups of bearded old men and women were due to dance, sing and fornicate naked amongst the stones to celebrate the winter solstace (The worlds’ shortest day). From before dawn the disgruntled beying audience assembled but sadly no druids, witches, wizards or nutters appeared… In a statement issued later in the day the druids apologised claiming that they’d simply overslept. On a positive note a few did manage to gather earlier this morning to invoke the sun rise, all be it 24 hours late, but due to a frost (and a lack of watching public) kept their clothes on. Commiserations to all who missed this sight, let’s hope for better time keeping next year. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Pagan Worship Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

Druids Celebrate Winter Solstice At Stonehenge

(Above) Fully dressed druids doing traditional dances to get the sun to rise earlier today

Panto Opens Wednesday, And Tickets Are Going Fast

Pantomime season is here and The Beckworth Players 2016 panto, Cinderella’s Soggy Bottom. Very loosely based on the story of Cinderella, it’s been written and directed by Bake Off‘s Paul Hollywood. Poor Cinders is left at home whilst her ugly sisters, played by Paul’s ex-colleagues Mel and Sue, and opens this Wednesday night. Once again my close friend Gary Barlow, with his band Take That, will be playing all the music (actually miming) live each night. Jeremy Corbin will be playing the handsome Prince who searches for Cinders after she disappear’s from the Bake Off tent leaving a wooden spoon behind her. This year we’ve taken over the scout hut for the productions and turned it into a magical “theatre”. Due to a lot of adult orientated content and swearing the show is for over 18s only. We’ll be doing shows most nights until early January and tickets are on sale from the box-office and the local bakers, but be quick as they’re selling like hot cakes. See you at the shows, Chico (producer)

Beckworth_Jeremy Corbyn

(Above) A clearly delighted Jeremy Corbyn in his panto costume earlier today

Annual Naturists’ Christmas Lunch & Disco. Don’t Delay Book Today

Hello. Next Monday your local naturists, the Beckworth and Slocombe branch, are hosting their annual “no clothes allowed” Christmas lunch and disco in a “Marquee” on the sports field (weather permitting and if planning permission is granted). The canvas erection can hold fifteen people, so ticket’s are strictly on first come first served basis day, so buy yours today. Once again DJ at the disco will be FatBoy Slim tribute act Slim Fatboy and he hopes to take requests if he has time. My close friends Wayne and Vera will be doing a vegan Christmas feast for all present and we’re hoping to have a visit from a nude St Nick and his reindeer. So why not join us and bring your whole family (young and old welcome) to our fantastic naked festive celebration? Tickets are a bargain at only £249 per person. Lionel T. Worton. Secretary. Beckworth and Slocombe Naturists


(Above) An artists’ impression of the nudists’ marquee in use as an inviting festive venue

Local Council Bring Christmas Cheer Once Again This Year

Good adventide Beckworth. This Christmas as a treat for the residents of Beckworth your enterprising local Conservative run council are offering free waste collection as the top prize in it’s annual Yuletide raffle. Tickets only cost £3 each, minimum spend £15 per household, with all the money raised going towards refitting the council offices’ canteen. As you will know this year we introduced costs for bulky, or radioactive, waste remova and so getting a free collection is agreat prize. Other prizes in the raffle are bags of grit to keep paths free of ice, lunch with me (the mayor) and a months free use of the local library. So don’t delay, the tickets are literally selling themselves! Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. New Mayor

Beckworth-Refuse Collection

(Above) Expert waste collection like this could be free for you and yours this Christmas