Star Spot: Celebrity Masterchef

I’ve just seen those two blokes from Masterchef (I forget their names) herding some celebrities into The Bamboo Caravan chinese take-away. Someone in the grocers told me these (so called) celebs are working in the kitchen for a night as part of the Celebrity Masterchef finals. I won’t be ordering from there whilst these nonces are cooking, you never know what you’ll get. Fried mice probably!!! Thanks Gilbert


(Above) The Celebrity Masterchef finalists pose for a photograph in the toilets of the Bamboo Caravan before starting their shift in the kitchens

Beckworth Star Spot: Richard Branson

I’ve just seen Richard Branson, airline pilot and founder of the Branson Pickles empire, waiting to pick up a take-away from The Bamboo Caravan. He told me he was getting spring rolls, a number 36, a 42 plus a 89 with boiled rice and was so hungry he could eat a horse. Mr Branson was very chatty and not at all like a millionaire pickle magnate, he even left his Sun newspaper for me to read (though he’d torn out Page 3 girl Samantha from Bolton). What a top bloke. Thanks Gilbert


(Above) Mr Branson waiting to pick up his chinese take-away this lunch time

Beckworth Star Spot: The Wanted U.S. Spy Edward Snowden

I’ve just seen that wanted spy bloke Edward Snowden buying a strawberry-blonde hairpiece in Wiggins For Wigs. I was in there getting my own syrup washed and combed as today’s bitter wind had completely buggered it up. Suddenly the door flew open and in came the spy from the cold. He looked quite flustered and the silly bugger claimed he was being followed. So Bradley Wiggins Snr calmed him down with a cuppa and got to work on a new hair and side-burn ensemble. Mr Eddie “The Eagle” Snowden seemed very relieved when he saw his new barnet and even bought a matching beard as it was in the sale. Mr Wiggins Snr told him “even your own Mother wouldn’t recognise you now,” which seemed to make Eddie the spy very happy. On leaving he asked the way to the airport as he said he’s going on a very long holiday. Lucky Man. G. Barnstaple


(Above) “Spot the difference”
A Wiggin’s Wig & Beard make Edward look years younger

Beckworth Star Spot: U2

I’ve just seen the Pope’s pal, rockstar Bono, buying travel sweets and fags in the newsagents. He looked very different without his sunglasses on, a lot fatter and more ginger. Also, he didn’t sound Irish at all, in fact he had more of a Geordie accent. It’s funny what these pop people will do to avoid being recognised. Then, when I came out of the shop I spotted his friend Edge busking by the bottle bank down the road, so I’m guessing they were off on tour. Gilbert Barnstaple.


(Above) Bono photographed going to meet his friend Edge earlier today