New Ride Opens At World Famous Amusement Park

Your local (frozen goods and household essentials themed) amusement park Iceland Land is proud to announce the grand opening, tomorrow at 10.06am, of it’s latest star attraction. The Cillit Bang Rollercoaster Ride. To be unveiled by Mr Clit Bang himself, Barry Scott, the white-knuckle ride is reckoned to be even more knuckle-whitenening than the Mr Sheen Rollercoaster Ride and Mr Muscle Rollercoaster Ride it replaces, due to the fact it’s had a lick of paint and the wheels oiled. Thanks, Ms Kerry Katona MBE. Acting Assistant Manageress, Iceland Land


(Above) An excited Barry “Cillit Bang” Scott testing his roller-coaster ride earlier today

Fudge: One Year On

Dear all. On behalf of local father and son chefs Anthony “Tony” Worrall-Thompson and Heston Blumenthal may I thank everyone who has made fudge bricks for them over the last 12 months. The chefs are now very close to opening “phase one” of “Fudgeworth” (a model village of Beckworth made entirely of fudge) to the public and this has been down to your help and the enthusiasm of the duo, have done all the building themselves without the use of outside contractors or heavy plant equipment. But it’s a big building project and we still need your help. Please continue to make fudge bricks, windows, doors etc and models of people, buses, cars and trains. And animals. We are an equal opportunities hotel with wheelchair access so there’s no excuse for anyone with fudge making skills not dropping off their confectionery work. Thanks, Sandy Luton, General Manager, Hill View Hotel


(Above) Tony and Heston hard at work in the kitchen making confectionery building materials earlier today

Mother’s Funeral

Dear all, I have sad news to share. My popular mother, widower Celia Luton, passed away on the 38 bus earlier this week, and she will be buried next Thursday at St Faiths. Due to her dying on public transport it is down to the council to arrange transport for her journey from the bus depot to the church (I believe they have a converted “hopper” bus for such solemn occasions). As you’ll know my dear mother was a hobbiest inventor and the world would be a poorer place without her many useful everyday extending items. The telescopic selfie stick and telescopic bus pass holder her best known. Mum will be buried according to her final wishes in a coffin of her design. The telescopic coffin she recently patented, and had shown on Dragon’s Den, will increase in length from 5′ 6″ to 25′ during her send off service, and need 16 council-supplied pallbearers (bus drivers) with a forklift to lift into her long grave. Many thanks, Sandy Luton


(Above) Mrs Luton lying in state at the bus garage in her patented telescopic coffin (shown partially extended earlier today)

Your Local Manadarin Restaurant Welcomes In The Year Of The Goat

Come and see in the year of the goat tonight at The Bamboo Caravan. To celebrate every dish on the menu, including the vegetarian options, will be made from goat and The Gay Hussar pub next door will be supplying us with goat based cocktails. Geri Halliwell and the Chinese State Mime School will be doing a dragon procession through the restaurant and customers spending over £25 per head will get a free sparkler to wave around at midnight. Alan Ip. Manager. Bamboo Caravan.


(Above) Geri Halliwell and friends rehearsing in the Bamboo Caravan

Star Spot: The Bloke Off Countryfile

Hellody Hoo, Marion here. I’ve just seen that fella John from Countryfile being filmed chatting to some cows in a field. I asked the farmer what was going on and he told me he think’s they are doing a sequel to the film Being John Malkovitch. He reckons’s it’ll be called Being John Craven. The scenes I saw him doing looked very good, so i can’t wait to see the finished film. Ta ta, Marion

Beckworth_John Craven

(Above) John Craven chatting to a cow earlier today

St Norris’s Day This Evening

Hello my flock. Today is the Feast of St Norris and we will be holding a memorial service this evening at 7.45. During the mass we will be reflecting on his humble syphilitic life, his kind deeds to birds and tireless service to his home town of Bognor Regis, which he kept clean of guano with his bare hands. Norris died at the age of 32 after a protracted pustulous illness and was buried at the bottom of the town’s well as was customary in the 15th century. Upon hearing of his passing the pox-riddled Pope (Jeremy XI) canonised Norris as the Patron Saint of Pigeons and Guinea Fowl and declared that on 12th February “we should cast aside carnal thoughts by wearing feathers atop our sinful bodies and by clearing up bird sh*t. With our hands” The latter we will perform in the dark after we’ve had tea and biscuits post service. Young and old parishioners are welcome, although the service will include some scenes of mild nudity and swearing. And please remember to wear feather in your hat in celebration of Norris. So see you this evening sporting your finest plumage. God Bless You. Cyril Knutsford, Vicar, Beckworth St Faiths

Beckworth_St Norris

(Above) A parishioner celebrates St Norris’s Day in style. In a wood.

Celebrate Fishfinger Fire Day

Hello. As you will doubtless know next Thursday is a very important day in the Beckworth calendar. It is Fishfinger Fire Day, and to celebrate we are asking residents to wear the frozen foodstuff in their button holes, just as was done ritually until the 1930s. As noted in local history books it was around 300 years ago, in 1578, that Beckworth almost lost it’s centuries-old fishfinger industry to a fire that ravaged the town. Accidentally started by a baker making the bright orange breadcrumbs the ensuing blaze robbed locals of their staple fish diet for months to come. But it could have been wiped out altogether if it wasn’t for the actions of a young navy officer home on leave. Lieutenant BirdEye noticed smoke coming from the neighbouring bakery and quickly extinguished the fire within using a flask of rum he had about his person. In honour him of saving the last few fishfingers, and most importantly the recipe, he was made May Queen of the town, promoted to captain and has had his name and picture plastered over all subsequently made fish fingers. So join us next week and wear your cod stick with pride.
Thanks, Bill Christchurch. Beckworth Historical Society.


(Above) A 16th century portrait of the Fishfinger hero Captain Birdseye

Wanted: Nude Bums On Seats

Hello. This Saturday your local naturists (the Beckworth and Slocombe branch) are sending a team to the 27th International Festival Of Nude Whistling And Shouting and we still have some seats available on the coach. The event is being held in the romantic city of Damascus and we’ve room for another fortyone broad-minded people. We’ll be setting off early on Friday, driving all night and staying overnight Saturday in a naturist friendly youth hostel. If you are keen to go nude and support finalists in the World Nude Vocalising Championships this is the weekend for you. Last year’s Nude Shouter winner Ray Winstone is hoping to make it two in a row but is up against 2013 winner Sylvester “Sly” Stallone, and Hollywood stunner Julia Roberts, representing the USA, will try to retain her title in the Naked Whistling. My close friend Wayne, himself a runner up whistler in years gone by, said Damascus will be a wonderful place to spend Valentines Day and is promising me a big surprise when it gets dark on Saturday night. I wonder if he’s entered us both into the duets section of the Nude Karaoke? If you’d like to see Wayne take me by surprise please come along. The trip will cost £475 per person but that does include bed and breakfast. I hope to see you on the coach, Lionel T. Worton. Secretary. Beckworth and Slocombe Naturists

Beckworth_Julia Roberts

(Above) Beautiful Ms Julia Roberts, pictured whilst unusually still wearing clothes, will try to retain her title in the Naked Whistling but will come up against stiff competition

Chicken Shop Condemned By Health Inspectors

Harrowing haute cuisine news just in. Popular local chicken cafe “Ken Tucker’s Fried Chicken” was yesterday closed down by Health Inspectors after repeated (alleged) cases of food poisonings. Mr Tucker told me to “push off” when I cornered him in the pub last night but not before saying “it’s a ruddy witch hunt, I treat them chickens better than my kids. I rear them in cages in my garage, feed them grub I buy cheap from Poland and then shoot them myself. So they’re well looked after. Then my nephew, who learnt a bit of food hygiene in prison, cooks and freezes them.” If any of you have eaten Ken’s free-range chicken, and had loosened stools or vomiting as a consequence, we’d like to hear your graphic stories. Christine Batley. Chief Dodgy Poultry Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian


(Above) Ken’s garage where he lovingly hand-rears his chickens

Star Spot: Gok Wan

I’ve just seen a Gok Wan and a TV crew filming his new series “Dieting On Ice”. One of the telly people who was hanging around told me it will be very successful as frozen water and watching people suffer are very popular. In the reality show unknown celebrities will be forced to live with Torvill and Dean in an abandoned ice rink for 3 months and viewers will vote off the lardiest person each week. The Z-listers will have to forage for food whilst skating round the rink and Mr Gok will skate on occasionally to give them advice on loosing weight and looking good on the ice. I can’t wait to watch it as I love Mr Wan and figure skating. LOL Courtney Beccles.


(Above) Gok Wan and his wife take a break from rehearsals earlier today