St Andrews Day Concert

Hi to all. Just a reminder that tonight Beckworth will be hosting a major event to celebrate the birthday of St Andrew (The patron saint of Scotland and Golf courses). Local Scottish residents have auctioned off a balsa-wood replica of The Stone Of Scone and hired the scout hut. Once again the top Scottish father and son band The Proclaimers are booked to perform, but after almost failing to appear last year the duo are hitching this year. In 2014 they’d walked all the way to our St Andrew gig, which is 500 miles or so from their “sunshine” retirement home in Leith. Craig Proclaimer just texted me to say they are just crossing the border, so if they get the lifts they should be here tonight. I’m told there are still plenty of tickets for sale, so grab yours pronto. Yours Natalie Clifton, Tourist Information


(Above) Once again The Proclaimers kindly celebrate St Andrews day with a gig in Beckworth but this year they won’t risk walking 500 miles to do so

Black Friday Black Outs

Breaking plunged into darkness news just in… The whole of Beckworth has just experienced a two hour black out due to fighting Black Friday customers knocking over the town’s Christmas tree. The brawling crowd managed to flatten the tree whilst clamoring for discounted sausage rolls on sale at the bakers. This in turn blew the town’s main fuse, hence the loss of power. Thank goodness local electrician Nick Knowles was on hand with a spare fuse and a torch. Well done Mr Nick. Christine Batley. Chief Reporting By Candlelight Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian


(Above) The lights go out in Beckworth making it literally a Black Friday

Not To Be Missed Black Friday Deals At 99p Land Today Only

In celebration of the day after Thanks Be Giving day (known as the Black Friday) your favourite discount store 99p Land is going totally crazy with prices today. For one day we’re having “black cross Black Friday” sale. Some sale items, marked with a black cross, are just three for £2.99 and lots of out-of-date items are reduced to the crazy price of 98p. Yes, just 98p for those essential everyday items (sold in “damaged and opened packets”) that you’ve waited all year to purchase. Everyday essentials such as plastic roof tiles, electric tooth picks, clay pipes, industrial strength egg-free custard powder, surgical trusses and non-bouncy bouncy castles. We’re open until 11pm but don’t wait to grab a crazy bargain, come on down immediately. Now. Otherwise we may sell out of your heart desires very quickly and you leave shop with only disappointment in your basket. Bim Gujranwala. Manager. 99p Land

End Of The Road For TV’s Apprehended Apprentice

A big commiseration to local lass Leslie Warwick as she was this week denied bail and had to exit from TV’s The Apprentice. I think she has been stitched up just because she had useful info on Lord Al Sugar. I’ll be fighting Ms Warwick’s corner, so good luck with the court case Leslie. Yours sincerely, Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce

World First Unveiled At Today’s Show

Hello all. Just to spread the great news that today’s International Wheelbarrow (And Garden Sprinkler) Show held annually in Beckworth has made news the whole World over. After opening the show Jeremy Vine kindly toured the show, demonstrating many of the exhibits and finally unveiling a gardening first. Gasps were heard around the exhibition when, on behalf of hose accessory makers Deck & Blacker, Mr Vine revealed to the assembled public a life-changing product. A self-spinning sprinkler with more holes than previously thought possible. Approximately 24. The item is due to go on sale in time for Christmas next year and will feature Jeremy dressed in his dancing gear on the packaging. It will certainly feature in my letter to Santa in 2016. Yours sincerely, Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce

International Show Opens Tomorrow

Hello all. Just to let you know that this years’ much anticipated International Wheelbarrow (And Garden Sprinkler) Show will be opened at 9am tomorrow by big gardening accessory fan, and local ballroom dancer, Jeremy Vine. The village hall has been swept and extra toilet roll stocked in anticipation of the prestigious garden accessory show and no doubt “The Jezzster” will be personally welcoming fellow implement fans from all around the World. This is the 14th year that Beckworth has hosted the IWAGSS and it’s bound to make news headlines. Every year there are many new products launched at the event and many exciting gadgets for the green- and light-fingered to handle. So see you there. Yours sincerely, Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce

Beckworth_Jeremy Vine

(Above) Jezza Vine pictured earlier this month whilst performing a dance on Strictly

Dramatic Arrest Ends TV Apprentices Apprenticeship

Audacious criminal news just in… Local female impersonator Leslie Warwick was apprehended by police during last night’s episode of TV’s The Apprentice. Miss Warwick was odd’s on favourite to win the series and set up home with Lord Al Sugar but an unexpected twist during filming led to her arrest. Leslie and her team were completing this week’s tiresome task, whereby they’d opened a discount store in Manchester, when resourceful Leslie decided to replenish low stock by “borrowing” some from a neighbouring pound shop. But her ambitious plan was thwarted by over-enthusiastic store staff and the rozzers were called. I’m sure she would have been let off but the coppers found incriminating photos of Lord Sugar and other Apprentice big wigs “about her person.” I’m sure it’s all a misunderstanding but unless she gets bails she may miss next weeks episode and be out of the competition. Good luck and commiserations for getting caught red handed to Mrs Leslie. Christine Batley. Chief Unveiwable to The Naked Eye Art Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

Local Artist Unveils New Sculpture In London

Breaking art news just in… Local artist Damien Hurst this morning unveiled his latest sculpture in central London. Called “Life And The Healing Power Of Milk Based Creamy Desserts” the 35′ tall invisible sculpture is the latest art to stand on Trafalgar Square’s empty fourth plinth. And is probably the most devisive so far. Especially as it’s cost taxpayers a cool £127.3 million to commission nonchalant Damo Hurst. The artist is no stranger to such controversy and at the unveiling stated “Art is all about vacuous style over crafted substance. It should challenge preconceptions and have a very catchy yet vaguely puzzling title.” He then added “But above all it should make the artist eye watering amounts of money. Hence the huge cost of this imposing unseeable sculpture.” As can be seen in photos the offending freestanding art piece depicts a giant jug of custard pouring it’s contents into London’s famous square and onto surrounding streets. Congratulations to Mr Hurst. Christine Batley. Chief Unveiwable to The Naked Eye Art Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

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(Above) Damien Hurst’s invisible jug of custard sculpture, which is set to attract art lovers to Trafalgar Square’s fourth plinth for the next six months or so…

Power Cut Hits Big Switch On…

A big thanks to all who attended last night’s switch on of Beckworth’s Christmas lights and patiently stood around in the dark as the event was delayed by 2 hours due to a power cut. Thankfully it was caused by a dodgy light bulb blowing fuses on the high street and the big switch-on went ahead thanks to Nick Knowles changing a fuse. The crowd were thrilled when Joey Sussex (local Joey Essex tribute act) finally flicked the switch lighting up almost a third of the high street. Now all we need is snow for it to feel like Christmas. G. Grimsby. Mayor

Cuddly Toy Inventor To Marry For Seventh, Or Eighth, Time

Breaking toy news just in… Local resident, 97 year old Edna Cumberbatch, is to marry husband number seven, or eight, in the new year. A very excited Edna says she has lost count of the marriages and divorces she’s had, but she still believes in love. And sex. Sprightly Edna said her new husband is 78 years her junior and doesn’t speak English, but thankfully he is very “gifted” in other areas. Mrs Cumberbatch, already a mother of 14, says she hopes to have more babies and will start trying on her wedding night. She is of course famous Worldwide as the “mother” of thousands of babies already as she’s the inventor of the Cumberbatch Dolls, which made her a multi-millionaire and quite a catch. She invented the ugly yet cuddly vegetable dolls as a present for a baby Prince Charles (who she’d noticed loved talking to veg and plants) when she was the Queen‘s Lady of The Water Closet. Many famous people own the dolls, even ex-premier Gordon Brown is said to be an ardent collector. But oddly her Grandson Benedict says he doesn’t like them much. Thankfully on the subject of the wedding he was more positive “I’m honoured to be reprising my role of page boy, for the third time, and I may even wear my old Dr Who clobber up the aisle.” Good luck with the baby making to Edna and fiance Mohammad. Christine Batley. Chief Elderly Wedding Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

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(Above) A visibly thrilled Benjamin Cumberbatch cuddles two of his Gran’s dolls