Santa’s WonderfulWonderLand Due To ReOpen Despite Public Outcry

After many years of hard work and greasing-palms I am pleased to announce that a vastly improved Santa’sWonderfulWonderLand will be re-opening again in time for Christmas. We have made every effort to calm public nerves after last years closure and have made the festive amusement park as safe as we can, which isn’t easy given it’s on the site of the disused Beckworth Quarry (and was for many years used to dump toxic waste). But to pull in the crowds no expense has been spared. Amongst the few rides we have we can boast the UK’s only pedal-powered ferris wheel and a boat-ride through the manmade water-filled caves and drainage pipes. You can pay a bit extra to queue for the outdoor Santas Grotto, we’ve a reindeer riding arena (for under fives only) and a new Frozen themed (unheated) cafe selling frozen food. On weekends we’ll try to spray the whole place with fake snow (we’re hoping to buy tons of polystyrene balls off a supplier in Croatia) so Saturdays and Sundays will be extra magical. As snow costs a lot entry on these days will be a lot more expensive. Co-manager Robin Thicke reckons this Christmas & Frozen themed park is one of the best he’s ever worked at, and he’s been to quite a few between singing gigs at holiday camps. So come and celebrate Christmas and stuff early this year. Yours Dick Van Preston. Manager. Santa’sWonderfulWonderLand.

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(Above) The allegedly much improved Christmas themed amusement park. Frozen cafe and happy punters not shown

Top Gear’s Snowy Adventure Seen Filming Outside Town

I’ve just seen the presenters and crew of telly’s Top Gear programme filming one of their overseas adventures here in Beckworth. Little Andy Hamilton aka “Hamster” was riding a steam powered sledge through fake snow as he raced Jeremy Clarkson on snowshoes and James May on a makeshift snowboard. A woman with a clipboard told me that due to BBC cost-cutting the town is “standing in” for Italy, and the local slag heaps were meant to be the Alps. From where i was standing they looked pretty realistic if not a bit small.  Dick van Preston

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(Above) The presenters of TV’s Top Gear programme count their wages during a break from filming earlier today

Santa’sWonderfulWonderLand Opens

After five years of planning I am pleased to say that Santa’sWonderfulWonderLand (Incorporating SnowWhiteLand) is now open to the public on the site of the disused Beckworth Quarry. To pull in the crowds no expense has been spared and amongst the dozen or so rides we boast the UK’s first stairlift based helter-skelter and the world’s only mining-based rollercoaster. Pay a bit extra and there’s a Santas Grotto to queue for, a reindeer patting area (appointment only) and Snow White’s cafe staffed by midgets. Some Friday nights the whole place will be sprayed with fake snow (providing we can get enough of that polystyrene stuff you get in big parcels) so weekends will be extra magical and more expensive. Please note that everyday the first customer through the gates will get 10% discount in the gift shop so it’s worth queuing overnight. Co-manager Robin Thicke has declared this Christmas/Seven Dwarf themed attraction is the best he’s ever worked at, and he’s worked at quite a few between singing gigs on cruise ships. So come and celebrate Christmas and stunted growth early this year. Dick Van Preston. Manager. Santa’sWonderfulWonderLand.

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Must-see attractions include Santa’s Grotto (Above Top)
and the white-knuckle Gravel Shute rollercoaster ride (Above Bottom)