Breaking political news just in from yesterday evening… Our beloved PM Boris Johnson showed his true mettle and raised the political temperature last night during the rather boring political televised debate with aged communist & vegan sympathiser Jeremy Corbyn. After answering a few stupid questions about selling the NHS to our American cousins, his favourite hair products and tax breaks for the deserving rich, Boris stopped to announce he wanted to, quite literally, spice-up the crass BBC programme. He proceeded to don a fetching long dark wig and declare he would only continue debating if host, Emily Matron, and Comrade Corbyn called him Posh Spice, or Posh for short. They quickly agreed and the debate continued with a certain added gravitas. Let’s hope viewers saw that Posh (Boris) deserves to be voted back into number 10 at the election so sanity can return to these shores and we can make Britain great again. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Name Changing Politicians Reporter. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

(Below) After the debate Boris “Posh” Johnson shared a joke with his Dad, John Johnson, who dressed as Baby Spice in support of his son

Breaking healthy fast-food news just in… Local kebab house Knossos Kebabs has shown it has its meaty fingers on the pulse after its savvy owner Khristos Knossos contacted the Royal Family to offer free kebabs to any wayward Prince, Princess, Duke, etc who mentioned his restaurant in a frankly flaky alibi. Khris told me, as he was filling the fridge with fake cola, that he was even happy to falsify old CCTV footage if it meant his kebabs got mentioned in the press… He added “Why should Pizza Express get all the attention when the humble kebab is far more appropriate for the Royal offspring of Prince Phillip.” I heartily agree, so let’s hope we see more members of the House of Windsor staying on the straight & narrow by visiting kebab shops when they fall out of night clubs in the early hours. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Handy Andy Reporter. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

(Below) Leader of the Royal family, Prince Philip, reaches for an imaginary kebab earlier today

Breaking Televisual News Just In… At last I can share the best kept secret in TV, that our favourite local celeb has been released from rehab due to alcohol addiction just in time to star in I’m A Celebrity… No i’m not talking about Ant (or was that Dec? Sorry, I get the two of them confused), i’m talking about Beckworth’s very own reality TV star Jack A. Googoo. Before he flew to Australia to film the latest series I met Jack in the Blind Beggar pub and before he passed out he told me how his sister, supermarket cashier Nelly Ryde, had campaigned for years to get him on and thank goodness a little “incentive” to the producers got him on this year… Having cleaned up his act (I mean that figuratively as his Kajagoogoo tribute act is still really only for the deaf. Or the thick) he told me how he reckons he’s in with a good shout to win and hopes if he gets his “wicked way with the birds in the jungle” he could have a new career in porn. I for one wish Mr Googoo well on the show, it will certainly make great downmarket car crash TV. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief I’m A Celebrity Reporter. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette