Blind Badger To Re-Open It’s “Farm” Shop

This is a message to all of you wanting to get slaughtered (at a safe social distance, or at least whilst sober) and buy groceries at the same time… In light of confusing messages from the pathetic Local Authority & Government and the need to close at 10pm your favourite local pub is going to (re)open half of the bar as a “grocers”. During lockdown we teamed up with TV’s favourite bald foody bloke (No not Heston, we’re talking about Greg Wallace) to re-open as a green grocer. And so, to keep the pub afloat financially and our loyal staff gainfully employed we’ve called on Mr Greg once again… Yes, The Blind Badger is once again going to embrace second rate fruit & veg to become your local “farm” shop, whilst serving warm ale and the last of out-of-date snacks. We’ve converted the car park back into an extra beer “garden” to serve literally hundreds of drunken customers. The family room will sadly no longer be open to families (kids are banned as they are the ones spreading the virus) and the toilets are out of bounds so please spend a penny before you visit us. But worry not, if the cheap drinks go straight through you as there’s a hedge near by and the graveyard is a short walk away should you get caught short… To launch the farm shop in “style” Greg’s Aussie mate from Masterchef (sorry I can’t remember his name) will be DJing tonight, but be warned in line with stupid Covid advice anyone dancing, singing or talking loudly will be barred. Also to show our support, anyone wearing the clobber of a frontline worker will get entered into a prize draw to win some of last year’s mince pies. See you this evening! Cindy Carmarthen, Bar Manager and Fruit & Veg Assistant, The Blind Badger Grocers & Pub

Your Favourite Local Pub Re-Opens As A Pub Today

This is a message to all of you wanting to get bladdered at a social distance because you’re fed up of the people you’ve been in lockdown with for three bloody long months… At long last your number one pub can stop being a second-rate farm shop and get back to serving warm ale and our old out-of-date snacks. Yes, we’re reopening at 5pm today… We’ve converted the car park into an extra beer garden so we can serve hundreds of drunken customers, we’ve closed the family room (we’re banning kids for now as they are the ones spreading the virus) and the toilets are out of bounds so please spend a penny before you visit us… To put us in a post-virus party mood  our very own ex-BBC DJ Kid “The Kid” Jenson has made us a few mix-tapes to play, but be warned anyone dancing, singing or talking loudly will be barred. On a positive note anyone wearing the clobber of a frontline worker will get entered into a prize draw to win some of our least favourite flavoured crisps (whilst stocks last). See you this evening! Cindy Carmarthen, Bar Manager, The Blind Badger Pub & Venue

The Blind Badger Pub Becomes “The Blind Grocer”

Hello Beckworth. As they say necessity is the food for the thought, so i’m just letting you all know that your favourite pub has had to close due to draconian measures to stop the spread of the Corona Virus (I thought pubs would be exempt as in times of crisis we keep every one merry and out of the shops)… But good news, we have teamed up with TV’s Greg Wallace to re-open as a green grocer. Yes, that’s right we can now sell fruit, veg alongside our bottled beers, ciders, wines, pork-scratchings, etc… Greg will run the “shop” as he’s currently unemployed like most TV people and his own shop is being redecorated. Lucky for us he’s such a talented grocery bloke and willing to teach us bar staff about marrows, plums and other stuff. So come on down, but please bring your own plastic bags and wear a mask & gloves. Cindy Carmarthen, Fruit & Veg Assistant, The Blind Badger Grocers

Greg & The Blind Grocer 3(Above) Resourceful Greg Wallace takes a well-earned enforced break from his fantastic TV career to sell his groceries from the pub

 

Celebrate St David’s Day All Day Tomorrow

This is a message to all of you wanting to celebrate St David Day in real style in a traditional dimly lit busy pub with a broken jukebox… Yes your favourite hostelry is hosting an evening of everything Scottish to toast their patron saint with warm ale. Music will be supplied by local, ex-successful BBC DJ Kid “The Kid” Jenson who says he is a big fan of Scotland, Scotch Eggs and of course the “other patron saints of Scotland” The Krankies. Anyone wearing tartan, an inappropriate school uniform or putting on a funny accent will get entered into a prize draw to win an opened packet of out of date Haggis flavoured crisps. See you this evening! Cindy Carmarthen, Bar Manager, The Blind Badger Pub & Venue

The Krankies 4

(Above) Donnie & Marie Krankie pictured recently in the Blind Badger pub garden

A Few Tickets Still On Sale For Tonight’s Hootananny

Just to let you know that a few dozen tickets are still available for tonight’s New Years’ Eve Hootananny bash. I’m glad to say that Jesus’s favourite folk trio The Faith Tones will be performing (as a key member of the group has been let out on parole)… The infamous God-bothering “all-female” trio, will be playing tracks from their last Christmas LP 21 Songs for Jesus’s Birthday.… Doors open at 6.30, and tickets cost £115.69 which will probably include a “light” buffet of the pub’s Christmas leftovers and out of date snacks. So join us to see in the new decade in style. Let’s hope it’s better than 2010s (which have been frankly rubbish and saw me divorced for the fifth time, have three hip replacements and nearly lose the pub)… Tonight’s featured ale is Boris’s Pale Ale and we’ve a got a few old ore-loved Christmas cracker hats to hand out to the first ten punters dressed as Jesus or a disciple (or his mum or dad). So see you later. Cindy Carmarthen, Bar Manager, The Blind Badger Pub & Venue

Pub To Open For Breakfast Tomorrow…

This is a message to all of you who want to see the results of the General Election whilst toasting the new PM or drowning your sorrows… Yes your favourite pub will be opening at 7am on the premise of serving bacon sarnies as breakfast. We’ll have the telly on with subtitles so you can hurl abuse or cheer at your preferred political party no matter how rowdy the bar gets. The featured ale at the pub is Generous Deflection and anyone wearing a tory supporting badge will get entered into a prize draw to spend a day in Beckworth’s town stocks. See you the morning! Cindy Carmarthen, Bar Manager, The Blind Badger Pub & Venue

Oh Come All Ye Faithful, Joyful (And Triumphant?)…

This is a message to all of you who want to watch the I’m A Celebrity final amongst other drunk fans… Yes your favourite pub, and contestant Jack A-GooGoos local boozer (until he was barred for fondling a barmaid) is hosting an evening of Jungle “joy” to cheer him on . The featured ale at the pub is Bushtucker Vile and anyone wearing just a loin cloth will get entered into a prize draw to win a scratched Kajagoogoo CD we recently found in a run-down charity shop. See you this evening! Cindy Carmarthen, Bar Manager, The Blind Badger Pub & Venue

St Andrews Day P**** Up Tonight

This is a message to all of you who like to celebrate St Andrews Day in style… because your favourite pub is hosting an evening of everything Irish to toast their patron saint with cheap ale. Music will be supplied by local gay (husband and husband two piece) Pogues tribute band The Rogues and the featured ale at the pub is Tam O’Shandy. Anyone wearing green or putting on an Irish accent will get entered into a prize draw to win an opened packet of out of date pork scratchings. See you this evening! Cindy Carmarthen, Bar Manager, The Blind Badger Pub & Venue

Support Local Businesses This Black Friday

Hello all. I just wanted to share the offers some of Beckworth’s forward-thinking local traders are offering today in celebration of Black Friday… I’m told that Abdul’s The Chemist are offering a saving of 10% on all flavoured condoms and novelty mouthwash purchased alongside any NHS prescription… Knossos Kebabs have a 50p reduction on all kebabs if customers use the code KRAP19… Anglican Windows are offering a free door with any 30 plastic windows paid in full today… There’s half-price entry to the Banana Museum… The Lesbian And Gay And Bi-Sexual Society will be having cocktails and fannytails in the scout hut tonight (not sure if this to do with Black Friday or not?)…. Beckworth Police have a sale on their very popular “pre-loved” truncheons and handcuffs… The scouts are offering half-price “bob-a-job” when they get back home from school… The Blind Badger pub will be opening until 1am with discounts on out-of-date bar snacks… Master Gregs The Grocers are giving “a cuddle from Greg Wallace” away with every 2kg of carrots… and Fawkes Funerals have 10% off all 2nd hand coffins if ordered before 4pm today… So you’ve lots of reasons to shop locally today and support Beckworth High Street… Yours sincerely, Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce

Cheer On Your Local No 1 Celeb In Your Local No 1 Pub Tonight

This is a message to all of you who like to sup flat ale whilst watching the best thing on TV on a large TV that you can hardly see let alone hear… Yes I’m A Celebrity starts tonight and to celebrate the fact that we have our own local celeb, Jack A-Goo-Goo, on it we’re throwing a party (well sort of)… It’s only twenty two quid on the door, and for that there will be bar snacks, a glass of cheap champers on entry and an i’m a celebrity themed pub quiz before the programme starts… Featured ale tonight will be Bush Tucker Vile and advance warning: If you’re coming with the family it’s probably best to put the oldies and young ‘uns in the snug as the quiz may get rowdy and out of hand! Cindy Carmarthen, Bar Manager, The Blind Badger Pub & Venue